


Wisteria

by reallyokaygirl



Category: Red Velvet (K-pop Band)
Genre: Cheating, F/F, Minor Character Death, minor character illness
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-09
Updated: 2020-12-18
Packaged: 2021-03-07 22:34:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 41,878
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26915197
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/reallyokaygirl/pseuds/reallyokaygirl
Summary: Throughout their lives, Joohyun and Seulgi have been drawn together but always pulled apart. A story inspired by Folklore by Taylor Swift.
Relationships: Bae Joohyun | Irene/Kang Seulgi
Comments: 13
Kudos: 87





	1. August

**Author's Note:**

> _"I want to watch wisteria grow right over my bare feet 'cause I haven't moved in years and I want you right here."_
> 
> _-The Lakes_ by Taylor Swift.
> 
> * * *
> 
> **Trigger warnings:** Minor character illness, minor character death, cheating.
> 
> This fic is dedicated to Thai, Julia, and my #drivethrus, Paw, Klep and Xy. 
> 
> Thanks to [SeptemberLillies](https://twitter.com/SeptemberLilies/), the best beta! I'm surrounded by great and _incredibly_ talented Reveluvs. :') 
> 
> I have six chapters planned. **There is no schedule _._** In the words of Irene, please "wait with respect!"
> 
> * * *
> 
> All of my contact info is available in my carrd - [reallyokaygirl.carrd.co](https://reallyokaygirl.carrd.co) \- if you have any questions, want to learn more about me, want to see my fic recs, or want to spot me a cup of coffee. :) 

_August slipped away into a moment in time ‘cause it was never mine_

Inspired by _August_ by Taylor Swift. 

Author’s note: I literally know nothing about gardening. 

* * *

Bae Joohyun had a secret.

She was a secret romantic. 

Joohyun even cringed when she thought about it— _her_ , a very dignified, studious, proper 19-year-old girl, being secretly obsessed with the idea of falling in love. It seemed beneath her, almost. Silly. 

But she just couldn’t help herself. She just _loved_ love.

No one knew this of course. Not her parents, nor her sister, Sooyoung. Her best friend in the entire world, Seungwan, had no idea. 

Because how do you explain to the people who knew you best that, _no_ , you weren’t at all interested in any of the boys in school, and _no_ you never had been, but _yes,_ you almost _desperately_ want to be in love? 

The opportunity to be romantically involved with someone had come up a few times in her life. There was Junmyeon, an admittedly handsome boy in her school, who shyly asked her out when they were in the 9th grade. Minho confidently confessed to her in front of everyone one day in 10th grade. And just this past year, Bogum worked up the nerve to ask her for her phone number.

She (respectfully) turned them all down. 

Look, she wasn’t bragging; she was just _very_ aware of her reputation. She got attention wherever she went; if a classroom had windows, she knew there would always be some underclassman trying to catch a peek at her. 

But this attention she got—unwanted romantic (and worse) attention from boys—was just _so_ tedious. None of them seemed to care that she was intelligent, warmhearted, or funny. Or that she is a little bit loud (despite her small size), or any of the other things about herself that she valued. Those boys just cared that she was pretty, not even bothering to get to know her before declaring their love for her.

In every instance, she would rather be known for her warmheartedness than her beauty. 

So while her friends and her little sister were all interested in dating the guys they went to school with, Joohyun felt left behind. 

And her fascination—that’s a totally more dignified word than _obsessed_ _—_ with romance just lived secretly in Joohyun’s bedroom, where her secret collection of romantic novels, dramas, movies, and songs were. To her, the idea of romance and falling in love was just an idea, something not even close to a reality. 

Nevertheless, it is also the thing she wanted to experience the most.

When would _she_ get the butterflies in her stomach that her friends talked about? When would she lock eyes with her soulmate and just _know_ , without a shadow of doubt, that _that_ was her person? Someone who she could spend her time with, share all of her thoughts with—someone who would find her interesting and want to learn everything about her. Someone who would treat her like she was… important.

When would she find _her_ person? 

Until then, though, she kept her secret a… well, secret. 

No one needed to know about her stack of novels, different stories of people falling in love (hidden under her mattress). No one needed to see her secret collection of romantic comedies and dramas (hidden in an unsuspicious folder on her computer titled ‘Chemistry.’ _Ha_ , get it?). No one needed to know that fantasies of finding _the one_ preoccupied her thoughts before going to bed every night.

To everyone else, she was just not interested. To her friends, it made her seem like a great, wise woman. She had clarity that they needed when they went to her with boy troubles. Joohyun was impartial, unbothered by romance. 

Her parents, of course, were thrilled by it. Her mother saw it as a sign of her future success, unencumbered by frivolous teenage things. Her father was relieved. In his words: _“All teenage boys are scum. This is a fact, I used to be one.”_ Both of them told her that, whenever she was ready, they would welcome whoever she thought was worthy of her time. Even Sooyoung encouraged her to just focus on learning about herself before she bothered with dating. “You might just be looking in the wrong place,” she would say, with a shrug. Her sister was _five years younger_ and already giving her sage advice. 

She was just glad they all were so supportive. And fooled. 

So every day she kept her love of romance hidden. She kept her fantasies about meeting her true love a secret. 

And she waited. Because if there was anything her favourite books taught her, love would come to her. Maybe not today, or tomorrow. But it would come.

-

Maybe it would be today. 

-

Bright and early at 7:30 am that Wednesday morning, Joohyun thought to herself: she actually _liked_ her summer morning routine. 

Like the day before, the first thing she did (after turning off her alarm), was check her phone. And like yesterday, she received a flurry of excited texts from her best friend, Seungwan, who was on summer vacation abroad in Canada. The time zone difference made their conversations a little stilted but Joohyun didn’t mind. She lived vicariously through the pictures of poutine, Montréal smoked meat, and bagged milk, which led to a few days of back-and-forth with poor Seungwan trying to explain it to Joohyun. 

Then, after mindlessly scrolling on her phone for a few minutes, she checked her schedule for the day. On Mondays and Tuesdays, Joohyun was usually back at school. She was taking university prep classes, as her final year of high school was upon her. On top of that, she usually tutored summer school students—her specialty was History and English, but she had a good grasp on every subject. 

From Wednesday to Friday, she went next door to help their elderly neighbour with different chores. 

She got up out of bed and then went straight to her closet. She pulled out an outfit for the day—jeans and a t-shirt, nothing fancy—and then went to the bathroom to continue her routine. Shower, skin care, hair and dress up. 

When she finished, she pulled her hair back into a ponytail. She looked in the mirror, satisfied—she didn’t need make-up for grocery shopping, cleaning, and gardening, her usual tasks for her neighbour. 

She went downstairs to help her mother make breakfast. She was in charge of the prepping and chopping of the ingredients, while her mother cooked. Slowly, her father and Sooyoung trickled into the kitchen to help where they could (their presence usually caused a bit of a disaster in the kitchen, but they made it work).

They always sat down as a family for breakfast. 

This was Joohyun’s favourite part of her summer morning routine.

She was lucky enough to have two parents who were _obnoxiously_ in love. After all these years, her father flirted with her mother and her mother still giggled over his corny lines. On top of that, she and Sooyoung were showered with love and affection (and a _little_ bit of teasing) from both of them. Their breakfasts were always full of love, laughter, and lots of cringing. 

After breakfast, they all went their separate ways. Her parents both had office jobs and Sooyoung was going to spend her day with her friends doing god knows what (Joohyun had a sneaky suspicion it had to do with following around a boy that she liked). 

Today, Joohyun was going to help her neighbour with her garden. The older woman, who she just called _halmeoni_ , grew her own vegetables in her little backyard. Over the years, Joohyun and her family had benefited from the fresh carrots, lettuce, onions, and herbs from their generous neighbour. As she grew older though, she was unable to tend to her garden as much as she had in the past. 

That’s where Joohyun came in. 

Under the woman’s direction, she helped her plant, water, replant, and resoil whatever vegetation needed it. The woman gave her a little pocket money for it, but Joohyun honestly would’ve done it for free. She enjoyed spending time with the elderly lady, who seemed to have an excess of love to give. She had known the woman since she was just a little girl; it was almost like she had become her own grandmother in many ways.

Sometimes Joohyun wondered where her family was—she’d told her about her son and his wife, and her granddaughter who was Joohyun’s age. But aside from a few pictures, she’d never met nor seen them. 

It seemed like her curiosity would be satisfied that day. As soon as she approached her neighbour’s backyard, she heard the faint sound of chattering. Did she have guests? 

Joohyun went straight to the back where she was surprised to find that her neighbour wasn’t alone. In fact, she was talking to a _really_ pretty girl, probably around Joohyun’s age.

The girl from the family photos, except she was much older than the child in the framed portraits hung in the grandmother’ _s_ living room.

This girl was _really_ pretty. Like, _really really_ pretty. Joohyun was immediately struck by her slim but athletic build. And her eyes—they were the prettiest eyes she’d ever seen. The girl had monolids and high cheekbones, the combination of which only seemed to emphasize her beauty. And her smile? Wow. Whatever the grandmother said must’ve been hilarious if it got the girl to smile like that. 

...Joohyun shook those _very_ unexpected thoughts from her head and then cleared her throat to get their attention.

“Joohyun-ah! You’re here!” her neighbour said, carefully standing up from her chair on her back porch and bracing herself on her walker. Her companion rushed forward to help the old woman. 

“Hi, _halmeoni_ ,” Joohyun said. She shyly smiled at the girl next to her. “I didn’t realize you had a guest, but I can come back later—”

“Nonsense! I want you to meet this young lady,” she said excitedly. The girl gave a slight wave but continued to help the woman with a careful hand on her shoulder. “Joohyun-ah, this is Seulgi, my granddaughter.” 

The girl—Seulgi—gave Joohyun a kind but curious look. She looked bright and happy and gazed at her grandmother with so much affection. It made Joohyun immediately like her. 

“Hello, Joohyun- _ssi_ …” 

“Joohyun-ah is the sweet daughter of the family next door! She’s always here to help your old grandmother when she needs it.”

“You’re not old, _halmeoni!_ ” Joohyun denied.

“I told you she’s sweet. She’s also a liar.” 

“Hey!”

Seulgi just smiled while watching the two interact, a little surprised, almost like she was an outsider looking in. And she was, Joohyun thought. 

“Where are you from?”

“Seoul. My father is from Daegu, but we all live in Seoul...” 

“Are you just here to visit?”

“I’m here for the summer.”

“My dear son has _finally_ relented and instead of sending Seulgi off to some boring summer camp, she’s going to be staying with me!”

 _Oh_. That made Joohyun’s stomach drop, just a little. She thought that maybe this meant she wasn’t needed. She couldn’t help but frown but she quickly changed it to a smile—it probably looked like a disappointed grimace. 

“That will be so nice for you, _halmeoni._ I guess that means you won’t need my help then...”

But instead she shook her head and carefully, as she was still quite weak, took both girls' hands. 

“Of course I do, Joohyun-ah, don’t you worry,” she assured. “Seulgi-ya lives in an apartment building. She has no clue how to deal with my garden.”

“You’ll both have to teach me,” Seulgi said, brightly. 

“And Joohyun, if you don’t mind—Seulgi-ya is just a few years younger than you. Can you show her around Daegu when you have free time? I can show her what I can, but my legs aren’t as good as they used to be.”

“Only if that’s not a total inconvenience for you,” Seulgi said, sincerely, as if she was embarrassed that her grandmother even asked. 

Joohyun _was_ always a bit of a sucker for pretty girls (don’t even ask her about her purple friend). She wouldn’t have usually committed to showing a stranger around town, but Seulgi’s eyes were so kind, and before she could stop herself, she agreed.

“Of course,” Joohyun replied easily. “It’s no problem.”

Seulgi’s relieved smile made all of her apprehension disappear. 

-

The three had been working together for the past few days in the small backyard garden, harvesting the ripe vegetables and tending to the ones that were still growing. Most days Seulgi would have to leave them for a few minutes at a time to answer phone calls from her parents, different distance education tutors, and some other person—possibly a friend, or a boyfriend even, based on how Seulgi would always be blushing and smiling while on the call.

She’d always come back though and work extra hard, to make up for lost time. It was an admirable trait that Joohyun recognized in herself. 

Today though, it was just Seulgi and Joohyun. Seulgi’s grandmother wasn’t feeling well when Joohyun arrived. It was actually a shock when she entered the house, seeing Seulgi assisting her grandmother with an oxygen tank. Stubbornly, the old woman tried to still help them, but both teenagers insisted that she take it easy. Seulgi even lured her in front of the television by playing the newest Hyun Bin drama ( _“She just loves that guy, she has a huge crush on him.”_ )

Joohyun showed Seulgi the _very_ specific way that her grandmother tended to the various parts of her garden—from the cabbage, to the _gochu_ , to the tomatoes—while they talked. They avoided discussing her grandmother’s health—Joohyun tried to bring it up, not quite knowing the details or the extent of her illness, but Seulgi was not forthcoming and Joohyun didn’t want to press. 

So they kept the conversation light. Hobbies, school, and summer. 

“I know your grandma would visit you in Seoul a bit—sometimes my parents would look after her house while she was away. But why haven’t I ever seen you here?” Joohyun asked, after demonstrating to Seulgi how to carefully prune her grandmother’s prized tomato plants. 

Seulgi shrugged, closely watching what Joohyun was doing. “My parents usually keep me busy. Summer school, professional development courses, business parties, business trips abroad.”

“Sounds amazing. Busy, but amazing,” Joohyun said, carefully handing the pruners to Seulgi. “Now your turn.”

“Okay, but stop me if I do it wrong, I don’t want to ruin her tomatoes…” Seulgi mumbled, her brow furrowed in concentration. Then she continued, “Trips and stuff are fine, I guess, but I just wish I was able to see my grandma more. Even when she’d visit us, I could only really see her for a bit. I was always so busy…” 

“You’re what, a couple years younger than me?” Joohyun asked, observing the 16-year-old, who was now clearing the dirt off the stems she’d cut. Seulgi nodded, her lips pursed. “Why are you so busy?”

“My parents have high expectations for me,” Seulgi answered, noncommittally. Then she nudged Joohyun, her eyes glimmering playfully. “Aren’t you busy too? Grandma told me that you’re basically the nicest person in the world, that you tutor every kid in town, lead the volunteer committee at your school, _and_ help her out around the house.”

Despite herself, she blushed at the summary Seulgi gave her. “That's not completely true… I just help people when I can. Your grandma likes to exaggerate about me...” 

“I don’t think that’s true at all. I think she sees you for exactly who you are.” Seulgi turned back to the plant, but her expression changed and became serious, just for a moment. Joohyun searched her eyes for any mirth, but no, Seulgi was sincere. She also had beautiful eyes and she couldn’t turn away from her gaze, which also seemed to be evaluating her. 

“Anyway,” Seulgi said abruptly, with the faint dusting of red on her cheeks matching Joohyun’s. “I’m done with the tomato plant, I think. Did I do okay?” 

Seulgi’s gaze met Joohyun and only then did the older girl realize that she’d been staring at Seulgi the whole time. She _prayed_ her blush—which always showed itself off in her damn ears, which couldn’t lie—wasn’t obvious as she looked over Seulgi’s handiwork. To Joohyun’s delight, she found no flaws. 

“That’s perfect, Seulgi-ya!”

“Yeah?” Seulgi smiled again, that vibrant and cute eye-smile that Joohyun had come to really enjoy seeing. 

_“You two done out there?”_ Seulgi’s grandmother’s voice called out from inside. Joohyun could see her slowly making her way to them, struggling a little without her walker. Both girls quickly stood, not wanting her to walk any further than she needed to without support.

“I knew you two would be a good team. Well done, girls,” she said, putting both arms around each girl for support. She observed the garden and the different buckets full of already ripened vegetables and fruit. “Seulgi-ya is a quick learner and Joohyun-ah is the best teacher! You’re both the perfect pair!”

The older woman shot a smirk at Joohyun, which the girl didn’t quite understand. Despite this, she felt another blush creep up her cheeks. Fortunately, she wasn’t alone, as she saw Seulgi’s cheeks redden before she turned away. 

“Okay, on _that_ note,” Joohyun said, moving away slowly to make sure that Seulgi was fully supporting her grandmother, “I should leave. My parents are expecting me home by noon today.”

“Are you sure, Joohyun? I’m sure they won’t mind if you spend a little more time with us. I was going to make sujebi,” the grandmother offered. 

Joohyun shook her head; knowing how little Seulgi got to spend time with her grandmother, she didn’t want to get in the way.

“That sounds lovely; maybe next time,” Joohyun said, apologetically. 

With a wave goodbye, she set off for home—but somehow she could feel Seulgi’s eyes watch her as she left. 

-

Every Friday was Joohyun’s parent’s date night. It was a disgustingly adorable tradition that they’d kept up since they started dating (with varying degrees of success, having two daughters to raise). While their parents were madly in love even after all these years, Joohyun and her sister still remained _woefully_ single (according to Sooyoung). 

But hey. With them not around, at least they could watch whatever television show they wanted. 

They were planted in front of the TV, with Joy watching some loud variety show with a boy group that Joohyun didn’t recognize. Sooyoung was enraptured by what was happening on the television—some game with those two annoying loud MCs. Joohyun, on the other hand, was half-watching, half-playing games on her phone. 

As Princess Peach she _just_ threw a green shell at Mario in front of her (she delighted in watching the little plumber spin) when her phone buzzed, startling her. She grunted—damn, there goes her lead—then tapped the new message. 

It was from ‘ _Halmeoni - Next Door’_ (to distinguish her from her actual grandmother, of course). The message read: _‘I’m sending Seulgi-ya over with a big container of kimchi-jjigae!”_

Joohyun quickly typed out a _thank you_ then sat up to keep an eye out their front window for the teenager. 

“What’s up?” Sooyoung asked, tracking Joohyun’s movement.

“ _Halmeoni_ is sending Seulgi over to drop off food.”

“What kind of food?” Sooyoung asked, excitedly. When Joohyun told her, her sister punched her fist in the air. “ _Yes!_ She’s the greatest woman of this century,” she enthused.

Joohyun pouted. “Hey! Yesterday you said _I_ was the greatest woman after I bought you ice cream…”

“I said you were the greatest woman of _this generation_ , but _halmeoni_ ’s got you beat for the entire century,” Sooyoung reminded her, as if it was a totally obvious distinction. “Sorry, unnie. When you can cook like she does, then I’ll reevaluate.” 

Sooyoung, the jerk, laughed as Joohyun glared, then she joined her on the couch and looked out the window. It was a commercial break, which is why Joohyun thinks her sister even paid attention to her. She hummed, then said, “I wonder if _halmeoni’s_ granddaughter will live up to the hype.”

Joohyun tilted her head, confused. “What do you mean?”

“You talk about her _all the time_. Yesterday you talked about her all through dinner, I was surprised you even touched your food.” 

Joohyun thought back to the meal just the day before and didn’t remember it _at all_ that way. Sure, she excitedly told them about her day next door, but pfft, she didn’t _just_ talk about Seulgi. She also talked about tidying the kitchen. With Seulgi. But she _also_ talked about the kitchen!

“Shut up. That’s not true.”

“ _You_ shut up, it totally is,” Sooyoung argued back, _so_ disrespectfully. Kids these days had no respect for their elders! Before Joohyun could offer another rebuttal (she was going to swat Sooyoung’s shoulder), her sister exclaimed. “Oooh! Is that her? She’s a _cool_ unnie!” 

Joohyun nudged aside Sooyoung to look out the window, and sure enough, there was Seulgi. The last few times she’d seen Seulgi, they’d been doing chores and stuff—the latter was dressed like her, in plain clothes. Seulgi was dressed similarly now—but instead of the usual oversized t-shirt, she was wearing a cool button-up plaid shirt and a baseball cap.

“She has a girl crush style,” Sooyoung observed. Then Seulgi spotted the two at the window and gave them a wave. “I’ll get the door!” Sooyoung said, before she could be stopped. 

Joohyun was fast though, and both girls reached the entrance at the same time. Their abrupt opening of the door seemed to have startled Seulgi; she visibility flinched as it swung open quickly. 

“Hi!” Sooyoung greeted eagerly, both girls trying to hide the fact that they were nudging each other with their smiling, friendly faces. 

“Hello, I’m Seulgi! I’m staying with my grandmother next door,” Seulgi introduced herself. Then she lifted the plastic bag in her hand. “I’m here to drop off food from her.” 

“Tell her we say thanks!” Sooyoung said, as Joohyun accepted the bag. “I’m Sooyoung, by the way, Joohyun- _unnie_ ’s taller, younger, more beautiful sister.”

“ _Ya!”_ Joohyun cried out, nudging Sooyoung a little harder than before. “Isn’t your show back on?!” 

Sooyoung’s eyes widened and rushed back to the television leaving a comically quick, _“Bye Seulgi-unnie, nice to meet you!_ ” in her wake. 

Seulgi bit back her laughter at the two sisters. “She seems fun!”

“If by ‘fun’ you mean ‘annoying,’ then absolutely,” Joohyun said, with an exaggerated sigh, earning another laugh from Seulgi.

“Anyway, _halmeoni_ made a lot of kimchi-jjigae so I’m glad she’s giving some to you guys. I like it, but I don’t think I could like it straight for an entire week…”

“Tell her thank you for us,” Joohyun said. “I’ll put it in the refrigerator right away and tell my parents. We’ll have it tomorrow.” 

“Does she do this a lot? Make food for your family?”

Joohyun nodded. “Sometimes. Both of my parents are great cooks, but we just all love everything that _halmeoni_ makes. Sometimes she joins us for supper, too. You should come over with her one of these days!”

“We’d like that very much.” Seulgi smiled small but the softness in her eyes told her that the invitation meant a lot to her. Like Joohyun had just invited her to something way more exciting than family dinner at the Bae household. 

It was kind of sweet.

Seulgi lingered at the doorway for a bit, like she was torn between staying and going. The younger girl looked really cute when she was nervous, fidgeting with her hands and chewing on her bottom lip. Joohyun was about to invite her inside, but then Seulgi spoke. 

“Uh… _halmeoni_ is going to spend the day with her knitting club tomorrow and I was wondering if you were doing anything? If you had time to maybe show me around Daegu?”

Seulgi’s smile was timid and cute. How could Joohyun say no to her?

-

“Thanks again for showing me around, Joohyun-unnie…” 

“No problem! I don’t really leave my neighbourhood much anyway, so this is a fun day for me too,” Joohyun said, as the two got on the train. Joohyun smirked at Seulgi’s excited energy, looking like a proper tourist with her big backpack on her back, which she explained she needed for her camera and lenses. 

Today, Joohyun was going to show Seulgi around Daegu. They planned to visit a couple of places that Seulgi wanted to check out. The younger girl initially texted Joohyun a long list of ‘instagram-worthy’ places in Daegu, which she said she found online. They managed to narrow it down to a couple places—Kim Kwang Seok Street, Dongseongno, and one of the _many_ cafes on the list. 

It was fun to see the city through Seulgi’s eyes. Joohyun had seen Kim Kwang Seok Street’s statues and murals _tons_ of times before. There was nothing new about shopping at Dongseongno Street. But going around with Seulgi, who was just so enthusiastic about everything, made each experience feel new.

Seulgi also was a passionate amateur photographer, finding beauty in _everything_. Along with pictures of the sights (and even some pictures of things that Joohyun thought were too _artsy_ for her to understand), Seulgi made Joohyun pose nearly everywhere. 

Joohyun didn’t realize that Seulgi would be photographing her all day. 

By the time they finished walking (and shopping) around Dongseongno, she felt like she’d been photographed more in that afternoon than her entire life. After what felt like the 100th shot that Seulgi took of her, the girl apologized. 

“Sorry, _unnie,_ I’m just trying to get better at taking pictures of people.”

Joohyun shrugged. “It’s not a problem. I should’ve made you pay me to be your model today though.”

“I’ll pay you back when we have dinner! It’ll be my treat.”

“I don’t know; my fee is a little higher than that…”

“Anything you like! Did you want that dress you were looking at when we were at UNIQLO? Wait, you deserve nicer things than that, we could go to a department store—”

“Seulgi, no,” Joohyun said, putting her hand on Seulgi’s shoulders and pulling the girl from her thoughts. “I was just teasing you.” 

Seulgi groaned, and her little pout made Joohyun want to give her a hug. So she did. When she pulled away, she saw that the younger girl seemed startled by the affection, her cheeks red and her eyes flitting to the ground. 

“You’re not one for skinship, are you?” Joohyun asked, grinning at Seulgi’s reaction. 

The girl shook her head. “No, not really. My school discourages it, so none of my friends do it...” 

“Well, _I_ like skinship,” she said, slipping her arm through Seulgi’s and bringing her closer. “Consider this my fee for being your unwilling model all day.” 

Seulgi stiffened but made no attempt to pull away. “I’m still going to buy you dinner though.”

“ _Fine_ ,” she said, “but just this once. You’re my dongsaeng, I should be treating you.” 

“All summer you’ve been treating me, unnie,” she said, sincerely. She brought her opposite hand up to squeeze Joohyun’s, which was clutching her arm. “I’m glad my grandma has you, you know. I’ve been kicking myself that it’s taken me this long to spend time with her, but knowing that she’s had you all along makes me feel less...sad. I know she hasn’t been lonely.” 

A warmth spread from within Joohyun’s chest up to her cheeks with Seulgi’s kind, sincere words. 

“Thank you, Seulgi…” was all that Joohyun could say. 

“So _please_ , let me buy you dinner, and treat you to things, whatever you like, because it’s the least I can do for you. Okay?”

“ _Fine…_ ” 

“And get used to being my model,” Seulgi added, with a cheeky grin. “As a photographer, it’s my job to capture beautiful things.”

Despite blushing, Joohyun still swatted at Seulgi’s arm. 

“You’re _infuriating_ , Seulgi-ya.”

“Yet you can’t get enough of me.”

It was annoying how true that was to Joohyun. 

-

It was obvious that the sweet _halmeoni’s_ health was deteriorating. 

Joohyun still didn’t know the details, but she’d overheard her parents discussing it with hushed tones. The prognosis wasn’t good. The words _myeloma_ and _stage IV_ came up. Joohyun was heartbroken when she Googled them later. 

While the elderly woman’s spirit remained vivacious and bright, physically, she was slowing down. She needed both Seulgi and Joohyun’s help with things that had come easily to her just months ago, like gardening and strolling at the park. 

It struck Joohyun as strange that she had yet to see or even hear much about Seulgi’s father. His mother was _not well_ (Joohyun couldn’t bring herself to describe her condition any other way) yet whenever she asked Seulgi about him, she would dismiss it. 

_“They’re not that close.”_

_“He’s always busy.”_

_“The world could be ending and he wouldn’t stop working.”_

It was heartbreaking that Seulgi seemed used to his behaviour, especially since it was his attitude towards his family that kept Seulgi from her grandmother for all these years. Seulgi didn’t seem to like him and at best, seemed to have a strained relationship with her mother. Her life in Seoul, according to her, was not worth talking about. She went to a private school. Spent most of her time with the housekeeper and driver. Only really saw her parents at business events, Chuseok and other holidays. 

When asked about her friends, Seulgi was vague. Based on how many texts she seemed to get and her Instagram (Joohyun and Seulgi started following each other a few days ago), Seulgi seemed quite popular. There were a few recurring faces in her photos, but Seulgi never talked about them. 

Joohyun found it strange. The girl was a mystery in so many ways. But her sincerity, her kindness, her humour, and her entire _presence_ was so comforting to her, like she’d known her her whole life. 

That day, the three were out enjoying the August sunshine. Instead of doing chores around the house, Seulgi’s grandmother asked if the girls would join her on a walk. Seulgi and Joohyun both took turns pushing her newly acquired wheelchair as they took her down familiar paths and tree lined walkways. 

Joohyun could tell that her older neighbour hated having to use the wheelchair but when Seulgi revealed it to them both—saying she had it custom made and ordered—she didn’t protest. It was a thoughtful gesture, but Joohyun understood her apprehension; perhaps it was a reminder of her growing list of limitations. 

The three strolled through the park’s pathways, stopping every once in a while so that Seulgi could photograph things—Joohyun, trees, flowers, Joohyun, her grandmother, benches, Joohyun, her grandmother _and_ Joohyun together—when they ran into a group of seniors in the plaza. 

The group of older ladies seemed excited to see Seulgi’s grandmother out and about. A few of them rushed over and insisted that the girls leave her with them for a bit while they caught up ( _‘Surely you girls don’t want to listen to us gossip out our children and grandchildren.’)._ The girls didn’t really want to leave her—especially Seulgi, who had become really protective over her grandmother. It took multiple reassurances that she would be okay and for them to not worry about her _,_ before the two relented. 

“My goodness, it’s like you two think you’re _my_ grandmothers. You girls need to lighten up, let me have fun with my friends,” she said, proceeding to promise them that she’ll call them when she was ready to go home.

As the girls walked away after being figuratively pushed aside, Seulgi began to laugh, clearly a little shocked. 

“I can’t believe my grandmother just ditched us for her friends and then they all shooed us away,” Seulgi said. She shook her head in disbelief. “Popular girls are mean…” 

Joohyun giggled. “I guess we have to live with the fact that we’re both so _no jam_ , even the elderly don’t want to hang out with us.” 

“Please don’t tell your sister about this, she’ll be ruthless...” 

-

After feeling a little embarrassed to be called out by the group of seniors, Seulgi suggested that they drown their shame in a delicious snack. Joohyun thought that was an _excellent_ idea. She led them to a nearby café, which Seulgi seemed to love. She immediately started taking pictures when they arrived at the storefront, impressed by the trendy façade. 

After finding a table inside near the front window, Seulgi left to purchase their drinks and food. She insisted that she’d pay for Joohyun—which led to a small argument—but Joohyun eventually relented. 

Watching Seulgi go up to the counter, she took the opportunity to evaluate her new friend. She was friendly while ordering their food; even the barista, who had probably served dozens of people that day, seemed taken by her charm. 

There was just something about Seulgi. 

Seulgi reminded her of the characters in books and movies that she was drawn to. The main characters, who were beautiful, charismatic and attracted everyone. She was so cool and so pretty. She had the most magnetic eyes, and was (often unintentionally) funny. Seulgi was effortlessly loveable. A total catch. 

In contrast, Joohyun felt like a forgettable side character. Yes, sure, she was pretty, but she wasn’t interesting enough to be a protagonist, even in her own life. She felt overlooked. 

But for some reason, Seulgi looked at her. She made her feel special. 

Seulgi returned shortly, with drinks in hand, placing Joohyun’s preferred order (an earl grey tea latte) in front of her—and Joohyun didn’t even need to remind her of what she wanted. She put her own strawberry latte in her spot, then went back to grab their food.

“I got carrot cake and chocolate cake,” she said, putting the cakes between them. “We’re _sharing_ , so don’t eat all the carrot cake, _unnie_.” 

“I won’t,” Joohyun said (but damn it, she really did love carrot cake). She busied herself with tending to her tea, stirring it to make sure the tea bag was properly steeped. She expected Seulgi to dive into the cakes, as she often did when food was in front of her. But instead, Seulgi proceeded to take her camera out of her bag. 

Without warning, Joohyun heard the _click_ of the camera. 

“What are you doing?” Joohyun almost laughed at how Seulgi quickly tried to hide her camera under the table. 

“Nothing.” 

“Did you just take a picture of me?”

Seulgi had to have known she was caught, but she still proceeded to lie. “No.”

"I just saw you!” she said, incredulously laughing. 

Seulgi blushed. “Okay, okay, I did. But with the lighting and the way you were stirring your tea… you looked beautiful, unnie.” 

Joohyun’s eyes fell back down to the table. “Shut up…”

“That’s not a very nice way to accept a compliment, you should work on that.”

“You know what?” Joohyun grabbed her phone and turned on the front-facing camera. “If you’re going to take pictures of me, I should at least get a photo with you.” 

She slid out of her seat and sat next to Seulgi. She couldn’t help but grin when she felt Seulgi loop an arm around her shoulders. Then _click_ , she took a quick picture with her phone, both of them with matching smiles.

When she and Seulgi were busy reviewing it— _gosh_ , Seulgi had a cute smile, Joohyun was _definitely_ going to print this picture and put it on her dresser—she felt a hand on her shoulder.

Joohyun jumped—and then Seulgi jumped—and then she saw who interrupted her. She jumped again, but this time into the arms of her best friend. There she was, in the flesh, Son Seungwan. Joohyun’s very best friend, who was supposed to be away on vacation in Canada!

“Seungwan-ah?! You’re back? I thought you were home next week!” Joohyun punched her. “What are you doing here?!”

“ _Surprise!_ ” Seungwan replied in English, taking the hit in stride and hugging her back just as tightly. “I was accepted into a couple pre-university biology courses last minute and they begin next week. I was on the waitlist so my parents and I didn’t think that I’d get in but I did! I wanted to surprise you though, but it turns out _I’m_ the one surprised!” Seungwan turned to Seulgi, “Hi! I’m Seungwan.”

Joohyun totally kicked herself, forgetting momentarily about her new friend.

“Ah, I’m so sorry,” Joohyun said, leaving Seungwan’s embrace. “Seulgi, this is my best friend, Seungwan. Seungwan, I’ve texted you about Seulgi-”

“-you definitely have!” Seungwan said with a cheeky smile that Joohyun didn’t care much for, but whatever, her two favourite people were here with her. “Joohyun had told me so much about you, it’s so nice to finally meet you.”

“Likewise,” Seulgi said politely. Joohyun was surprised to not find any of the usual warmth in Seulgi’s eyes; instead the girl looked uncomfortable. She followed her gaze and saw that her eyes flitted down to Seungwan’s hand, which had found its way to Joohyun’s. Seulgi’s brow furrowed a bit, which surprised Joohyun. It was strange, but she remembered that Seulgi wasn’t used to skinship. Maybe she just found it uncomfortable. 

“I can’t stay, I’m just here to pick up coffee before I go school supply shopping with my mom, but we should hang out soon. All of us!” Seungwan said, including Seulgi. Strangely though, the girl kind of frowned. 

“Oh… maybe, but I have my grandma—” Seulgi began, but she was soon interrupted by Seungwan.

“And I could tell you both about _the guy_ that I met in Toronto!” 

“Oh, Seungwan-ah’s found a Canadian boyfriend!” Joohyun teased. She let go of Seungwan’s hand and went back to her seat and her beloved latte. “I’m sure your _halmeoni_ wouldn’t mind if we all hung out!” Joohyun said to Seulgi, a little pleading in her eyes. 

Suddenly, Seulgi smiled shyly. She reluctantly nodded, then agreed. Well that proved it to Joohyun. It was _definitely_ the skinship, because now that Joohyun had let go, Seulgi was now much more herself. 

-

Later that day, when Joohyun had been getting ready for bed, she received a burst of texts, all from Seungwan. They read: 

_“UMM. Please explain Seulgi to me.”_

_“What’s her deal?!”_

_“Are you guys… you know?”_

_“;)”_

_“I love you no matter what, you know that, right?”_

_“I’ve told you that my sister is a lesbian, why would I judge you?!”_

_“Seriously though, she’s pretty and totally into you.”_

_“If she could fire lasers from her eyes, I’d be ash right now.”_

_“Why aren’t you answering my texts?!?”_

_“Oh, are you already sleeping?”_

_“Unnie, it’s 9 pm, why are you sleeping, you’re such an old lady sometimes.”_

…Joohyun turned off her notifications and then flipped her phone face down.

Seungwan could wait for replies to her _ludicrous_ texts tomorrow. 

-

Joohyun’s day had been spent in summer classes. She took CSAT prep courses in the morning and then university interview prep classes in the afternoon. After classes she went home to “hang out” with Sooyoung and her friends (which she only did because her parents asked her to make sure they didn’t destroy the house). 

Eventually though, evening came.

It’d been days since Joohyun had been able to relax. With all of her time spent occupied, she barely had any time for herself. But tonight, after making sure her parents didn’t need her for anything and that Sooyoung was distracted by a drama or whatever she was watching on the TV, she was _finally_ able to hole up in her bedroom without distraction.

She had _so many_ movies to catch up on! 

And at only 8 pm, it was pretty early for her to have a moment to herself. Lying in her bed, surrounded by her soft fluffy pillows and stuffed animals, she decided to rewatch a favourite film of hers. It was easily the most romantic film she’d ever seen in her life. 

_Carol_.

She was at the scene when the two main characters had just met—Therese just sold the toy train set to Carol—when her phone buzzed next to her. And again and again. She expected it to be more texts from Seungwan, who was unimpressed with her replies to her texts about Seulgi (where Joohyun _vehemently_ denied everything!). 

But when Joohyun saw who the texts were from, her heart started beating a little bit faster.

Seulgi.

_“I’m bored.”_

_“Grandma goes to bed so early.”_

_“There’s nothing good on TV.”_

_“What are you up to?”_

With shaky hands—she didn’t quite understand why she was so excited—she texted, _“Want to come over for a bit?”_

-

Next thing she knew, Joohyun was waving at Seulgi from her front porch, as the girl ambled her way over. Joohyun had told her parents that the girl was going to come over, and when her mom gave her a _suspiciously_ sly smile, she knew she had to meet the girl outside before she came inside.

Moms were weird, Joohyun decided. 

“You’re my saviour, my hero, the best woman of this generation,” Seulgi said, reaching Joohyun.

Joohyun laughed. “Sooyoung needs to stop telling people to call me that.”

“Seriously, I was _so bored_. There’s only so many episodes of _Knowing Bros_ you can binge before it destroys your brain cells,” Seulgi whined. “But are you sure your parents are okay with me coming over this late?”

“It’s not late at all,” Joohyun assured her. “My mom wants to meet you though.”

“ _Ooooh_ , meet the parents? Isn’t this too soon?” Seulgi teased, her eyes sparkling.

Despite feeling her cheeks go a bit warm, Joohyun laughed, playfully hitting the girl’s shoulder. She held the door open for Seulgi. 

“Shut up and come inside.” 

“Yes, dear,” Seulgi replied, voice low like a docile husband.

 _What a dork_. 

But as soon as the girl saw Joohyun’s mother sitting in the living room, waiting for the two, her demeanor changed. Gone was the playful, kind of dorky girl that Joohyun had come to know. Instead, Seulgi’s shoulders rolled back, standing a little straighter, as she gave a polite bow and greeting. 

“Hello, I’m Seulgi. Thank you for letting me come over,” Seulgi greeted, like some sort of mini-business woman. It was _so_ weird and Joohyun couldn’t help but laugh, which earned her a glare from both her mother and Seulgi.

“So you’re the famous Seulgi!” her mother said, with that annoying _mom_ smile. The one that mom’s had when they thought they were reading their kids’ minds. What could she possibly be thinking though?

“Famous?” Seulgi asked, looking between Joohyun and her mother. 

“Why are you looking at me like that?” Joohyun said, self-consciously. 

“Every time she comes home from next door, it’s _Seulgi-this_ and _Seulgi-that_ ,” she said, still with the smile. “Anyone who can make my Joohyun-ah light up like _that_ has to be important.”

“Stop it, mom,” Joohyun bristled.

“And you’re so well-mannered, maybe you can teach my daughter how to be polite too,” her mother continued, ignoring Joohyun. 

Seulgi smiled, her charming smile. “I’ll try my best. She might be a lost cause though.”

“ _Ya!_ ” Joohyun said, hitting Seulgi. 

“Hey, I didn’t raise you to hit your friends like that, Joohyun-ah!” her mother scolded. “Seulgi, help yourself to whatever you like in the kitchen. And if Joohyun gives you any problems, just find me or her father.” 

Before the two could continue to gang up on Joohyun, she pulled Seulgi away. 

“Okay, thanks mom, we’ll be upstairs, _bye_ ,” she said, leaving her mom laughing to herself in the living room. 

“She’s nice!” Seulgi said brightly, as the girl led them upstairs to her room.

“Remind me to never have you two interact ever again.” Joohyun was only joking...slightly. “Okay, here’s my room!”

She opened the door. 

Joohyun watched as Seulgi took in her bedroom, feeling a little self-conscious as the girl observed the space. Her eyes scanned the room at all the posters then she stepped inside. She looked at her small CD collection, giving her music taste a hum of approval. Moving to her bed, Seulgi picked up her stuffed Lumpy Space Princess that sat on her bed, giving it a little pat on the star before putting it back. 

Then she saw the _Carol_ DVD case sticking out from under her pillow. _Oh no_ , Joohyun forgot to put it away, only closing her laptop when Seulgi said she would come over. 

Not that it was a big deal, but like, _no one knew_ about her love for romantic movies, much less her love for _this_ particular one. Before Joohyun could stop her, Seulgi reached for it and read the cover. 

“What’s this?”

“It’s a movie.”

“I know what movies are, jerk.”

Joohyun shifted on her feet uncomfortably. _Oh damn_. How could she describe this _really_ gay movie without seeming like she was gay?! She wasn’t gay! It was just an amazing film. Not that there was anything wrong with being gay, she just personally, wasn’t. 

Probably. 

Before she could try to explain, Seulgi gasped. 

“Oh wait! Duh, this is _Carol!_ This is an amazing movie.”

“You know _Carol_?”

“Of course I know _Carol_ , doesn’t every gay girl know _Carol_?” Seulgi said, obviously. Then she furrowed her eyebrows. “Uh, wait, I thought you knew that I was…” 

“You’re…” 

“Gay,” Seulgi finished her sentence for her. Then she cautiously continued, “I thought you knew. And I kind of thought that maybe you were…”

Joohyun’s eyes widened. “What? _Me?_ ”

Seulgi nodded. “It’s no big deal if you are. Or aren’t.”

“I’m not.” 

“Okay then...” Seulgi trailed off, looking like she wanted to say more, which only frustrated Joohyun.

“What?” 

_“Really?”_ Seulgi pressed. 

“Why is that so weird to believe?”

“I don’t know… I mean. Look at your room?” Seulgi gestured around Joohyun’s room, like it was the most obvious thing in the world. 

And _sure_. She had a big poster of SNSD on her wall. And another of BoA. And a little picture of Rachel McAdams that she kept on her dresser mirror. And she had a picture of the South Korean Women’s Football team on her dresser mirror too, not because she liked sports, but because she found them to be _so_ inspiring. 

But that didn’t mean she was _gay_. She just really admired women! Women were allowed to admire other women! It didn’t mean that she was _gay_.

“Wait, what’s _this_?” Seulgi said, seeing a book on the floor poking out from under her mattress. 

_Oh god_. 

“This is the _Carol_ movie poster. Wait, it's a book, too? _The Price of Salt_...”

How was this happening?! It was like all of Joohyun’s secrets were literally spilling out from under her bed. 

“Can I borrow this?” Seulgi asked. 

Joohyun, still in a bit of a fever nightmare over Seulgi finding the DVD and book, hesitated. “It’s in English...” 

“Oh… I’ve been taking English classes online, I can give it a shot…” 

This book was Joohyun’s _prized_ possession. She had gone through a lot to even get it. She secretly got it from a small bookstore run by a nice American woman who had kind, understanding eyes when she placed the order. It took _weeks_ for it to arrive but when it did, she cherished it, reading it along with her Korean-English dictionary when she needed it. 

Anyone else, she would have said no. But for some reason, she trusted Seulgi. 

“Sure.”

“If I need help with the English, I’ll ask you,” Seulgi said. “I doubt my English tutor would care to translate a lesbian novel for me…” 

Despite her discomfort, Joohyun laughed. “Deal.” 

Seulgi put the book on the nightstand then nonchalantly flopped backwards onto Joohyun’s bed, her head on the pillow.

Joohyun was… _straight_ (probably). 

But… _a girl was in her bed_. She short-circuited for a half-second. She didn’t know why seeing Seulgi lying back on her pillows made her brain turn to mush, but it did. 

Joohyun shook her head of the crazy, strange thoughts that were threatening to develop and then pushed the girl over.

“Move your butt,” she said, sitting on the bed next to her and grabbing her laptop. “Let’s watch something.” 

“Why? Are you tired of me going through your stuff?” Seulgi said, sitting up again and crawling away. “I wonder what you have in your closet…” 

Joohyun pushed Seulgi back down, making the girl laugh. “Get back on my bed!” 

“Not the first girl to demand that from me…” Seulgi teased, slyly. 

“Shut up…” All Joohyun could do was blush.

The two settled on her little bed, sitting against the headboard shoulder-to-shoulder, with Joohyun’s laptop perched on their legs. 

“Choose something,” she said, opening up Netflix.

Seulgi picked pretty quickly (“This is one of my _favourite_ movies,” she explained) and clicked ‘Play.’ 

-

When Joohyun woke up the next morning, she was alone, with a blanket covering her. The laptop was gently placed on her nightstand and a post-it note was on top of it.

_You fell asleep during one of the football scenes; I don’t blame you. But you didn’t even make it to the end when Ellie and Aster kiss! I’m going to make you watch this with me again. Earlier in the day, because I didn’t consider that you have the same sleeping habits as my halmeoni._

_JUST KIDDING!!! Please don’t punch me next time you see me!!!_

_Anyway, I didn’t have the heart to wake you up. Sleep well, unnie._

_Thanks for the company!_

_KSG <3 _

Joohyun smiled at the note, and traced her finger over the heart that Seulgi drew at the bottom. She could imagine Seulgi getting up from the bed and tiptoeing around, to make sure that Joohyun wouldn’t wake. She pictured Seulgi writing the note and then turning back to cover Joohyun with the blanket, to make sure that she slept comfortably. 

And she hoped that before Seulgi left the room, the girl stopped and looked at Joohyun sleeping one more time. She could just imagine Seulgi’s cute, content smile as she softly closed the door behind her...

 _Oh_.

This… this was exactly what she’d read about hundreds of times. She’d seen this happen in countless movies. 

This feeling… this _longing_. 

Joohyun didn’t quite know if she was gay or not.

But she knew that she _really_ liked Seulgi. 

-

Nearing the end of the summer, the grandmother’s garden was thriving. There were some plants that still needed time to grow and be harvested later in the Fall, but some of the herbs and different greens were ready. Joohyun could just imagine the delicious kimchi soups and stews that would be made with all the fresh cabbage. 

Right now, Joohyun and Seulgi were tending to it. Joohyun was in charge of picking the ripe vegetables and fruits and removing any weeds or dead plants that she found. Seulgi was in charge of checking and replenishing the soil. The two were working quietly—both of them humming along to the new Taeyeon song playing on the radio—when Seulgi’s phone rang.

The girl took off her gardening gloves and checked.

“Oh, I have to take this, I’ll be right back,” she said, answering with a quick _“Hello?”_ but walking away before Joohyun could figure out who was on the other line. 

Joohyun continued to garden or at least that’s what she fully intended. But she found herself ignoring the tomatoes, choosing instead to watch Seulgi. The girl was on the phone, but unlike how she usually was (narrowed eyes and a frown meant she was talking to her parents or a tutor) she was smiling. Sometimes laughing.

Whoever she was talking to made her all giggly and happy. It was… different. 

Now she was _really_ curious about who it was. Who could make Seulgi smile like that? Laugh like that? She never mentioned any friends back home, despite her social media accounts indicating that she was definitely popular. 

Joohyun had to begrudgingly admit, she was jealous of whoever she was talking to. 

Seulgi made her way back, still on the phone, but she stopped before she reentered the garden. She was close enough that Joohyun could hear part of the conversation. 

_“Okay, I should go… I know, it’s been forever but… You_ do _mean a lot to me, of course you do, it’s just, this is my grandmother, I get to finally spend time with her…”_ Seulgi said, trying to placate whoever she was on the phone with. Joohyun’s eyes widened. It was obvious that she wasn’t talking to her parents. Who was she talking to? “ _Thank you for understanding, Sena… I miss you too… Okay… Bye… ”_

She turned back to her plants as soon as Seulgi hung up, pretending to be busy with trimming an already perfectly pruned tomato plant. The girl plopped down next to her again, continuing to care for the soil. 

“A friend?” Joohyun asked, hoping that she sounded casual, despite her heart suddenly pounding.

“Hmm… yeah, I guess?” Seulgi shrugged. She continued to stare at the garden box in front of her, not meeting Joohyun’s eyes. “It’s kind of a weird situation with her but... I’m _kind of_ seeing her...she’s sort of my girlfriend.” 

“Oh?” Joohyun tried to be nonchalant and steel her expression, but she knew she probably failed. Fortunately, Seulgi didn’t respond to her sudden strained voice and furrowed brows. 

“Yeah. Kind of,” she said, with a strained smile. “We aren’t official but… yeah.” 

Joohyun made a noise of acknowledgement then went towards the other end of the garden, deciding that tending to the carrots that were far, far away from Seulgi was the best thing for her to do at that moment.

 _Girlfriend_. Of course Seulgi had a girlfriend. Seulgi was a lead character. They always had girlfriends. Joohyun was just a minor role, virtually insignificant to Seulgi’s life. And even if she wasn’t just a blip to Seulgi, Joohyun barely just admitted to herself that she was possibly gay. Why would Seulgi even be interested in her? 

Despite needing the distance from Seulgi, it stung that the girl made no effort to check on her. They continued to work separately until her time there ended and Joohyun was to go back home. 

After cleaning up the yard and dumping everything in the compost and recycling bins out back, Seulgi finally broke the silence. 

“Are we okay?” Seulgi asked. “You seemed off after I told you about Sena…”

Joohyun stiffened at the girl’s name. 

“I’m fine.”

Seulgi sighed, almost disappointedly. “You sure? If you’re uncomfortable with girls _dating_ …”

“What?” Joohyun stopped her, “No, it’s not _that_ at all!”

“Are you sure?” Seulgi asked, skeptically. 

On the one hand, Joohyun was relieved that Seulgi didn’t see her _blatant_ jealousy, but on the other hand, she was horrified that Seulgi misconstrued her silence for _that_. 

“Yes, I’m sure. I promise,” Joohyun insisted. “I would _never_ even be upset about that… I’m sorry that I made you think that.” Seulgi nodded, but still looked unsure, so Joohyun pressed. “I swear. I just had an off day, that’s all. But it’s nothing you did. I promise.”

“Yeah?”

“Yes. I swear, Seulgi-ya. If anything I should,” she swallowed her pride with these next words, “call that girl myself and thank her for taking you on; I was worried that you’d be hopeless in Seoul. I’m glad someone is there to look after you.”

That seemed to appease Seulgi. But when she smiled, with the usual flutter that the girl’s grin gave her, it also made Joohyun’s heart hurt, just a little bit. 

-

In theory, having Seulgi and her grandmother over for dinner was not a terrible idea. The Bae family had welcomed the grandmother to their house hundreds of times before; Joohyun knew what to expect, usually. 

In practice though, something about Seulgi’s presence seemed to have awakened something _horrible_ in her family. Those monsters—her parents, Sooyoung, and surprisingly, as if emboldened by her family, her _halmeoni_ —kept teasing Joohyun. It was subtle enough that fortunately, most of it seemed to have gone over Seulgi’s head. But Joohyun knew.

And she was _seething_.

It started quietly, first with her mom making sure the two girls sat next to each other. 

“You two look so cute together!” she said, with Seulgi’s _halmeoni_ cooing next to her.

“They make such a beautiful pair,” the grandmother agreed. 

Joohyun just quietly blushed at the surprising compliment while Seulgi grinned proudly, draping her arm on Joohyun’s shoulder.

“It’s just _unnie_ , she makes everyone around her look good!” 

Then the dinner continued normally, with all of them enjoying the bulgogi that Joohyun’s mother made and the side dishes that were expertly prepared by Seulgi’s grandmother. Joohyun almost counted it as a one-off comment from the two women.

But then her dad suddenly had a dangerous glint in his eyes after Seulgi shared how appreciative she was for Joohyun keeping her company all summer. 

“Seulgi, you are so sweet,” he said, in between bites of kimchi and rice. “We’ve always wanted Joohyun to meet a nice girl, we’re so glad she met you.”

He threw Joohyun a coy wink, but Seulgi was too busy scarfing down her ssambap that she didn’t seem to notice it. 

“Oh, I’m glad I met her too!” she said, her mouth still full of food (despite that being one of Seulgi’s ickiest qualities—the poor girl couldn’t chew with her mouth closed to save her life—Joohyun was pathetic enough to think it was cute). “I’m glad I’ve met all of you, especially since my _halmeoni_ loves you all!”

Then Sooyoung jumped in. 

“Seulgi- _unnie_ , I’m glad you’re taller than her, now we don’t have to worry about who’ll grab things off the top shelf for her when she goes away for college.” 

“If she comes to school in Seoul, I’ll definitely help her! I can only imagine how stressful it is for tiny people when they see high shelves,” Seulgi said, sympathetically patting Joohyun’s head (and making her glare even more). 

“Seulgi is _barely_ taller than I am,” Joohyun mumbled in self-defense.

After that, little comments were peppered-in here and there. How Joohyun and Seulgi should promise to keep in touch with each other after the summer is over. How her parents could get used to having Seulgi around their dinner table. How Seulgi should visit Daegu more often to visit her grandmother and Joohyun, of course.

Joohyun was aghast. On the one hand, she was a little touched by how annoyingly supportive everyone was being about her _little_ —infinitesimal, really, it’ll pass—crush. But on the other hand, how did they know about it?! Sure, yes, maybe she did talk about her a lot. And _maybe_ she was super giggly all day at the idea of them coming over for dinner. But _still_. She hadn’t told them! She wasn’t out! Her family couldn’t have known! 

Unless… they just _knew_. Her family _did_ know her best. Which, Joohyun supposed, was well enough. 

It saved her an awkward ‘coming out’ conversation.

But still. _Ugh._ If she knew her parents were like _this_ around prospective partners—which Seulgi was _definitely not_ (she had a girlfriend, after all)—then she decided to remain single forever. 

That’s right. No grandchildren for her parents! That’ll teach them. 

Fortunately, they were all finally done eating, including Seulgi, who was last to finish (she seemed to have a bottomless stomach). They gathered in the family’s living room, but soon after Sooyoung left for her bedroom—Joohyun was sure she was just going to go online and watch boy group videos on YouTube. The adults were talking _really_ intently about some boring political scandal and it was really not interesting to either girl. So Joohyun and Seulgi—after a few brief glances at each other—made an excuse to leave. 

(Seulgi’s grandmother made a quiet, off-hand comment as they walked out that sounded suspiciously like, _“You two better keep your hands to yourselves!”_ which sent the three alleged adults into a fit of giggles. _)_

The girls went outside to Joohyun’s front porch—Joohyun dropped down on the steps, finally happy to be away from her weird family. Seulgi joined her. 

“Your family is funny!” she said brightly. Joohyun just grumbled. “What? They are! I’m jealous.”

“Fine, you can have them,” Joohyun said. 

“Seriously though. You’re lucky, _unnie_ ,” Seulgi said, emphatically. “Your dad is so proud of you, you can tell. Your mom lights up every time she talks to you. Your sister admires you. And even though you’re being really grumpy right now, you could tell how much you love all of them. I could feel it in the house. I’ve… I’ve never had that. It felt like a real family there.” 

Seulgi was right. Even though she found her family _so_ annoying, she was lucky. 

The two continued to talk while the adults talked inside. Random things. Seulgi shared stories about what it’s like to live in Seoul and Joohyun shared stories about Seungwan and Sooyoung (and Sooyoung’s probable but latent crush on Seungwan). They also got into an intense conversation about who was best in Wonder Girls (Joohyun _knew_ it was quite obviously Yubin, but somehow Seulgi thought that Sunmi was best. In fact, Seulgi _loved_ Sunmi, to the point where Joohyun got a little bit jealous). 

Before they knew it, it was dark. The evening air even brought a chill, but the girls continued to talk underneath the dim porch light. 

“And _that’s_ why it’s a _fact_ that Kim Yubin is the best in Wonder Girls,” Joohyun ended her pro-Yubin monologue, when a cold wind blew past; Joohyun involuntarily shivered. 

Then she felt warmth. A surprisingly strong arm wrapped it’s way around her shoulders, bringing her against the heat of Seulgi’s body. Joohyun looked up in surprise and was immediately taken in by Seulgi’s own deep gaze. 

Joohyun’s heart was pounding, beating out of its chest. Seulgi was _so close_. Her lips were just centimetres away, and they looked _so_ beautiful… 

...then she realized what she was doing.

And it seemed like Seulgi did at the same time. 

They both pulled away abruptly, neither meeting the other’s eyes. 

“Uh, I guess you’re right about Wonder Girls,” Seulgi said, awkwardly scratching the back of her head. “Anyway we should go inside, _halmeoni_ and I should head home…”

She stood up, not even waiting for Joohyun to reply, which made the girl feel pathetic. Was the idea of kissing her so awful that she had to run away? Was it because she had a girlfriend and she was embarrassed and ashamed of herself? 

Joohyun just followed behind, not even looking, when she bumped into Seulgi’s back. 

Seulgi had stopped in her tracks in the foyer, away from the sight of the adults, but close enough to hear them. 

“What’s going on?” Joohyun asked, quietly. Seulgi shushed her, and then leaned forward. Her eyebrows were furrowed and she chewed her lip. 

_“Do Seulgi or Joohyun know?”_ Joohyun heard her mother ask… 

_“Not yet… I’ll tell them soon…”_

_“Those girls deserve to know. They both think the world of you…”_

_“I know… just… these girls are so young, they shouldn’t have to worry about me any more than I know they already do. And I’m sure Seulgi suspects something, she’s seen the amount of medication I take…”_

Oh no. They were probably talking about her grandmother’s health. 

At this point, Joohyun knew they couldn’t keep listening. She tried to pull Seulgi back outside. “Maybe we should just give them privacy…” 

Seulgi resisted. “No,” she said firmly. 

“ _The pain comes and goes,”_ Seulgi’s grandmother continued, a little tremor in her voice apparent. “ _I’m more exhausted lately and the treatment… well, it’s not really going well...”_

 _“They stopped with the chemotherapy, right? You’re doing radiation therapy now?”_ This time her father asked. Joohyun had never heard him sound so disheartened. 

_“No; they decided to stop. At this point… they’re just treating the pain. The cancer keeps growing…”_

Seulgi looked up at Joohyun, her eyes already filling with tears. She looked completely distraught. 

She had no idea.

“Cancer?” Seulgi whispered, her voice so sad and small, it nearly broke Joohyun.

Joohyun barely nodded in reply; Seulgi was already walking purposefully into the living room. Joohyun followed as closely as she could.

There were the adults, all looking surprised by the interruption. 

“ _Gongju_?” her _halmeoni_ asked, surprised. 

“Do...do you have cancer?” Seulgi asked, her voice breaking a little. The sad frown on her grandmother’s face seemed to be the confirmation she needed. “All those times your friends picked you up for card games or whatever, that was for appointments and treatments, wasn’t it?”

“Yes.” 

“Are you...dying?” 

At that question, Joohyun reached forward and slipped her hand into Seulgi’s. Joohyun hoped that by holding her hand, she was giving Seulgi some strength. 

The girl, barely holding her tears back, squeezed her hand. 

“Oh, Seulgi…” 

“ _Halmeoni_ … but…but it’s not fair...” Seulgi’s face nearly crumpled as she tried to fight back tears. She turned to Joohyun’s parents. “ _Abeonim_ , _eomeonim_ , could you two help _halmeoni_ next door, I just need to… I just need to go for a walk. I’ll… I’ll see you back home, _halmeoni…_ ”

Seulgi ran out; it was clear that she was sobbing as she left. 

Joohyun almost rushed out to go after her, but first she needed to do something. 

She turned back and gave the older woman, the sweet woman who she’d become closer to than any of her biological grandparents, a hug.

“We all love you, _halmeoni,”_ she said, into her embrace. “I’ll make sure she’s okay.”

The woman gave her a thankful yet sad smile. “Thank you for taking care of my Seulgi.”

Then Joohyun left to look for the distraught girl.

-

Seulgi didn’t go far; not that she could. The neighborhood was still unfamiliar to her, and there was nowhere to really go without a car or bus. Joohyun had been the one to show her where the closest bus stop was, a short walk from her house.

That’s where Joohyun found her, sitting on a bench under the bus shelter. 

Seulgi spoke as soon as Joohyun approached. The older girl didn’t even know that Seulgi noticed her. 

“I just got to know her; I don’t want to lose her.” 

Joohyun sat down beside her. Now that she was close to her, she could see the tear tracks on her cheeks, hastily wiped away.

“I should’ve known,” Seulgi continued. “Sometimes she’d have a… look on her face. Like she was keeping a secret. I’d seen it before on my dad’s face, they both look so similar. Except they’re both _so_ different. She’s so warm and funny and she loves me for me and… and my dad thinks I’m worth nothing if I’m not useful...” 

Seulgi closed her eyes, blinking back her tears. Joohyun put her arm through hers and laced their fingers together. 

“I’m so sorry, Seul…” Joohyun gently pressed her lips to Seulgi’s shoulder, trying to comfort her as best as she could. 

The gesture seemed to have worked; Seulgi sighed deeply and opened her eyes again, wiping her tears with her shirt sleeve. 

“Was she okay when I left?” Seulgi asked. “I didn’t want her to see me cry… is she mad at me for leaving?” 

Joohyun shook her head. “Of course not. I think she’s worried, but she’s not mad…” 

Seulgi nodded, clearly relieved, but also a little sad smile graced her lips.

“You know, I wish she told me but I’m not surprised she didn’t. No one tells me anything. My parents don’t. I think they think I’m not smart or immature or too weak and soft to understand things. And I get it, I know I seem naive sometimes and I can be a little slow to pick up on things but I’m not stupid...”

“You’re not, Seulgi. You’re not at all. I’m sure she has a good reason for not telling you. Even if you don’t agree with why, you _have_ to know that she would never intentionally hurt you.” Joohyun squeezed her hand and Seulgi nodded. “And your parents? Well, they’re wrong. You’re smart and sweet and you care about people, that doesn’t mean you’re stupid or naive or soft! It means you’re a good, thoughtful person!“

Joohyun huffed, almost angrily. She didn’t want to disrespect Seulgi’s parents, but fuck it, it had to be said. Joohyun hated that Seulgi had ever felt like she might be those things. Seulgi was amazing and her parents should have been telling her that every day.

“Do you mean it?” Seulgi asked, almost meekly.

“Yes. It’s true, Seulgi. You are incredible,” Joohyun answered, with as much conviction that all 19 years of her life could muster up. “You deserve all the love in the world. Your parents might not know it, but your grandmother knows it…”

“And you know it.” Seulgi whispered, her eyes staring deep into Joohyun’s, almost like she’d just discovered the universe’s deepest secrets. The way Seulgi looked at her made her feel like she was being torn open, all of her secrets and thoughts bare to the world. 

But Seulgi could just do that to her. One look and anything Seulgi wanted, Joohyun wanted to give her. 

This time, Seulgi let go of Joohyun’s hand. But instead of pulling away, Seulgi brought her hand up to the nape of Joohyun’s neck, naturally turning the girl towards her more. That movement brought them even closer together.

It was like Joohyun couldn’t breathe. 

“You… you make me feel like… I’m worthwhile.” Seulgi said, her words quiet. She moved her hand up, reverently cupping Joohyun’s cheek. “I’ve never known anyone like you.” 

Seulgi’s stare was intense. And before Joohyun could say anything, Seulgi leaned forward and gently, _so_ softly, she pressed her lips to Joohyun’s. 

Joohyun’s first kiss. 

And it was perfect. Like a movie.


	2. Mirrorball

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Please note the following trigger warnings:** Death, cancer, homophobia. 
> 
> On a personal note, much of what I wrote is informed by my own experiences with a close family member dying of cancer. I apologize for the elements that are not 100% medically accurate. This is very much fiction, but I tried to write with sensitivity to the matter and with respect to their memory. Take care, all. 
> 
> Also heads up: Unfortunately this was not beta'd. All mistakes are my own fault; my apologies.

_I'm a mirrorball, I can change everything about me to fit in_

Inspired by _Mirrorball_ by Taylor Swift. 

-

Before she was even born, Seulgi’s life had been filled with expectations. She was created to serve a purpose. To inherit, to follow her parent’s footsteps, and to be _great_. 

Her parents had a child to ensure their business and their wealth remained in their family. Above raising a child, beyond instilling their child with good morals and values, they aimed to raise an _heir_. 

And Seulgi was succeeding at this. 

Her parents started her young. For as long as she could remember, she had private tutors, took supplementary classes, went to youth leader business camps, and placed in etiquette lessons. She thought this was normal until she was much older; but always obedient, Seulgi never complained. When she was exhausted from everything—school, extra-curriculars, life—her parents never heard a word. 

She just wanted them to be proud of her. 

And they were… some of the time. She had her father’s work ethic and resourcefulness. Her mother’s intelligence and intuition. And while she didn’t inherit either of her parents’ ambition or guile, she had her own charms. 

Her kindness. Her creativity. Her heart. 

But those were traits that were not encouraged. If she showed too much of her own personality, she was punished, hurt with harsh words, or even worse—neglected. So Seulgi learned to keep that side of herself hidden. Instead, she shoved all of her frustration down, deep down inside, and put a smile on her face instead. 

Now that she was older, her parents had begun to be more explicit in their expectations for her. They even had a whole timeline planned for her life. 

By the age of 19, she was to graduate from high school in _at least_ the top 5 of her class. By age 20, she was going to double major in Business and Economics at Seoul National University, where both her parents attended. As a legacy student, and with a big donation from her parents, she was a sure bet to get in. 

By 24, after she graduated, she was going to get married immediately, or in her case, have a symbolic commitment ceremony (unless laws changed). This will help her look more professional and reliable to investors. They preferred serious, family-oriented people over the instability of a single person. 

By 25, Seulgi was to begin her role as successor to KG Technologies, the tech company that her parents started from the ground up. She would be under the guidance and mentorship of her father and mother, who were the President and Vice-President, respectively. 

Third only behind LG and Samsung, the stakes were high for KG Technologies to continue to thrive. If all went according to plan (which it would), her parents estimated that it would take five years for her to learn everything she needed to know. By 30, Seulgi could completely take over the company. This would just be a front; it would allow her parents to ‘retire’ to the Board of Directors, where they would continue their influence over Seulgi and the company, and ensure that none of their subordinates could try to take over. 

But right now, at 16, she tried her best not to think about any of that. She was just trying to keep up. All of that talk about her future exhausted her. 

Sometimes when Seulgi couldn’t sleep at night, she would fantasize about the ‘perfect’ life. She would have two normal, working class parents. Both of them would greet her at home after school, have meals with her, and take a genuine interest in her. They would encourage her interests and not put impossible expectations on her.

They would spend time with her. 

She would also be able to sleep-in on some weekends. She’d practice her photography and take up other creative hobbies. She wouldn’t put so much pressure on herself to excel at school in subjects she _hated_ (like math, _why_ did her parents’ business have so much to do with math?!). 

Most of all, she would have a good relationship with her family—her mother, her father, and her extended family. She especially wanted to know her father’s mother, who lived alone in Daegu. She barely got to ever see her _halmeoni_ , but whenever she did, she felt more love and warmth from her in those brief moments than she’d ever felt from her parents. 

They were more or less estranged. In the few times that Seulgi’s grandmother had visited, she had heard the arguments between her parents and _halmeoni_. Her grandmother didn’t approve of how much her parents worked and how much they expected out of Seulgi. Her father and mother didn’t think she had the right to criticize them, as she lived an (in their words) unremarkable life. 

Seulgi didn’t think she was unremarkable at all. What her grandmother didn’t give Seulgi in money or gifts, she gave her in some of her best memories. 

Like when she visited when Seulgi was six years old. Instead of taking her to Seulgi’s English tutor, the two spent the day playing at the Han River, her grandmother almost having an unlimited amount of energy when it came to little Seulgi. 

Or when Seulgi was just ten years old, and her _halmeoni_ somehow managed to sneak her out of school for the day. That day was Seulgi’s first time at Lotte World. The two laughed on every ride and Seulgi got to eat junk food without regret; it was almost worth the scolding they _both_ got from her parents. 

Or when she last saw her, two years ago when Seulgi had just turned 14. Seulgi didn’t know her well, not beyond her grandma’s short visits and their brief phone calls, but Seulgi knew she could trust her. Her grandmother was the first person Seulgi came out to and her response was full of love and support. It gave Seulgi the strength she needed to accept herself. 

Her parents and grandmother had a tense relationship (and that was putting it lightly). So it was a huge surprise to Seulgi when on the last day of school before summer holidays began, they told her that there had been a change of plans for her.

“You’re going to Daegu on Saturday. For the summer,” her father said, with the same measured, formal tone he used when speaking to his staff. It cut into the usual quiet of their evening dinner, which Seulgi typically sat quietly at while her parents talked about work.

Seulgi looked up from the bowl of jjampong in front of her and saw that her father was, in fact, looking at her. 

“I am?” Seulgi asked. It was Wednesday; this unexpected schedule change was just days away. “What’s in Daegu for me?” 

Seulgi assumed it was for another youth networking experience, or maybe her parents even set her up with an internship. What she didn’t expect were his next few words.

“You’re going to spend the summer with your grandmother.”

“Oh?” Seulgi tried to school her expression, not wanting her father to see how happy she was.

“Don’t think that this will be some vacation,” her mother said, with a stern voice and a knowing look. She looked like she wanted to quash Seulgi’s excitement. “You’ll help her during the day, but at night, you’ll have time for your actual responsibilities. I’ve signed you up for online math courses to improve your final grade this year. I’ve arranged for Ms. Lee to email you an updated curriculum on Monday and I’ve already gotten you the textbooks.” 

Well, it worked, just a bit. Her excitement had definitely dimmed. 

“And your English lessons will continue,” her father added. “Mr. Henry said he will email you coursework and your lessons will continue online.” 

“Okay.” Seulgi just nodded, accepting her abrupt change in schedule. That meant no more summer school and no internship at KG, two things that her parents had planned for her for _months_. She was fine with missing out on those. But it also meant that she wouldn’t be able to see her friends at all.

On the positive side though, she would get to see her grandmother. She couldn’t help but wonder why this was happening though.

“Is everything okay?” Seulgi asked. Surely there was a reason why she was going there suddenly. 

Her parents gave each other pensive looks. Seulgi caught on immediately that they were keeping something from her but that was typical of them. 

“Yes,” her father said, a strain in his usually composed voice. “We just want you to spend your summer with your grandmother.”

Despite the tension in his voice his words were final. Seulgi learned early on not to question her parents; it would just annoy them and lead to an argument. She just nodded once more and went back to quietly eating her food.

-

For the first time in Seulgi’s life, she was having a pretty normal holiday.

She was a little nervous when she arrived at the train stop in Daegu. She had a suitcase pulled behind her, a backpack strapped on her shoulders, thirty unread texts from her parents and friends back in Seoul, and no idea of what to expect. 

But as soon as she saw her grandmother waiting in the train station's main building, she found that wasn’t true. She knew for sure that whatever was going to happen during her summer in Daegu, it was going to be great because she was going to be with her grandmother. 

_“Gongju!”_

Seulgi was enthusiastically greeted by the petite elderly woman, who gave amazingly tight hugs despite needing a walker to get around. It was like months hadn’t passed since their last phone call, or years hadn’t passed since she last saw her. Instead, Seulgi was immediately reminded of how easy it was to be around someone who _wanted_ her around. 

Her grandmother’s house was modest, contrasting the gigantic penthouse apartment that Seulgi lived in. But what it lacked in size, it made up for in every other way. It was _lived in_. The furniture, mismatched and dated, looked comfortable and well used. It was _loud_. If music wasn’t playing—from Trot music to current Idols—then the television was on. If the television wasn’t on, then her grandmother was on the phone with one of her friends, or a few of her friends were over. 

Photos on the walls showed off snapshots of a life that was well lived. There were glimpses into holidays, vacations, birthdays and friendships that Seulgi’s family had never been part of. There were photos of her father growing up, looking so different from how he was now. When he was a kid, he was kind of… adorable? He looked a lot like Seulgi did now—a cute eye smile, big grin and floppy ears. There were even photos of her mother, from earlier in their relationship up to their wedding. They looked young and in love. Carefree, even. 

The photos were almost like looking into an alternative reality, one of her parents before their ambitions and responsibilities took over.

Seulgi herself was also featured throughout the house. There were lots of photographs up from her grandmother’s trips to Seoul. But there were also photos of Seulgi from times in her life that her grandmother wasn’t part of. She wondered how those conversations went, the ones where she assumed her _halmeoni_ called her father and insisted he send her photos. She could only imagine his stubborn grumble as he’d email her Seulgi’s latest class photos. 

Her grandmother’s quiet devotion to her family was on full display. Seulgi felt guilty that her family had never honoured her in the same way. She made a promise to herself that when she went back home to Seoul, she was going to put photos of her grandmother up in the penthouse. 

Seulgi’s first few days were uneventful, which was absolutely fine by her. She was used to 5 am wake-up calls and non-stop work until late into the evening. But on this trip, she shared the same pace that her _halmeoni_ enjoyed. Things didn’t need to be rushed, which was a change from what Seulgi was used to.

The first few days were spent catching up. They went for long, meandering walks where Seulgi helped support her _halmeoni_ when she got too tired using her walker (she made plans to buy her a nice, new wheelchair). In that time, Seulgi learned more about her grandmother than she ever did about her own parents. 

Before retiring, her grandmother owned a stall at a local market, selling dumplings and kalguksu. Her grandfather, who passed away before Seulgi was born, was a taxi driver. The modest (and sometimes scant) earnings they made were used to help put Seulgi’s father through university. 

Her grandmother was also a bit of a social butterfly. People stopped the two in the streets to say hello. She often had visitors, other seniors who she was friends with. These strangers seemed to know a lot about Seulgi and even more about her _halmeoni_. She was a little bit jealous that everyone seemed to know her grandmother except for her. She seemed well loved. 

But of course she was. Her grandmother was friendly, funny and astute. She seemed to have an excess of love for everyone. Including Seulgi. 

In just a few days, Seulgi’s grandmother could read her like a book. She learned Seulgi’s preferences and asked her about her opinion of things (which _never_ happened with her own parents). She treated her like an adult but also showered her with lots of praise and affection.

It was unfamiliar to her, but Seulgi welcomed the attention. Seulgi had never really been doted on. 

In the evenings, when her grandmother went to bed, which was usually early (she was a senior citizen, of course), Seulgi went through the many emails from her parents and assignments and tasks by those hired by them to keep her “mind busy.” So while her days were relaxing, her evenings were not so much. 

While she worked away, her friends would text. Her phone would be buzzing non-stop with pictures of them sneaking into clubs with fake IDs or having wild house parties. Seulgi expected to be jealous or feel some amount of longing over it. She was, after all, spending her summer days with old people, and then her nights with homework. 

But she _wasn’t_ jealous. Because already, she’d had some of her best memories ever with her grandmother. And every night, despite all of the messages from her friends that were definitely aimed to gloat and brag, Seulgi would excitedly go to bed. She knew that in the morning she’d way up to another great day spent with one of the best people she’d ever known.

-

Meeting amazing people would be a theme for Seulgi’s trip. 

-

It was just two days after arriving, on an unassuming Wednesday morning, that Seulgi’s life changed. 

Seulgi had been told by her grandmother that she had one of the girls who lived next door come in every few days to help clean, dust, and garden. Seulgi offered to take that over—if she was here, she might as well be useful. But her _halmeoni_ said no, wanting to introduce Seulgi to someone who was her age. And it also piqued her interest, because in her grandmother's words this girl was, “a real Daegu beauty but with a kind heart.”

When she arrived… well, Seulgi thinks her heart stopped. 

It was an unfamiliar feeling—her parents never let her socialize with people who they felt “beneath” her. So when she first saw _her_ , with her hair casually pulled back into a ponytail, her scuffed up sneakers and her budget store clothes, would definitely not have passed her mother’s discerning eye. 

But that didn’t matter to Seulgi. Things like that never did. And even if it did, she couldn’t ignore the immediate pull when she met Joohyun. First of all, her grandmother was right—she was pretty. Even in her clothing, which Seulgi’s friends would’ve definitely judged if they saw her, you couldn’t deny that she was beautiful. 

There was also something in her eyes that made Seulgi feel like she would know her for a long time. Like she’d met an equal. A real friend.

Their friendship was immediate and easy. And it shouldn’t have come to Seulgi’s surprise when she began to develop feelings for her. 

She was just…magnetic. Everything that Seulgi admired. She was naturally smart, level headed, and funny. She didn’t see Seulgi as some sort of connection or a prestige piece (like so many of her friends did). She seemed to like Seulgi for _Seulgi_ —clumsiness and bad jokes included. 

Joohyun also encouraged Seulgi to do things that she would’ve never been allowed to do in Seoul. Whenever they went out, Joohyun took her to places she knew she could practice her photography skills at. She knew about Seulgi’s love for beautiful and scenic things so she took her to parks with amazing vistas and art galleries. 

These were things that Seulgi’s parents—and her girlfriend—never did for her. 

Spending her summer with her grandmother meant that Seulgi would spend those few months with her mind split between Seoul and Daegu, comparing the two and the lives that she had in both cities. Parents versus her grandmother. Superficial friendships versus the kind, warm people of Daegu. 

Sena versus Joohyun.

-

When Seulgi came out as gay to her parents, just the past year at 15 years old, she was pleasantly surprised. Instead of facing derision from her father and mother like she thought she would, they didn’t seem to care that she was a lesbian. In fact, they saw this as an opportunity to show their progressiveness to potential Western business connections. 

Her parents’ only issue was that it limited her ( _their)_ prospective future mates ( _for her, chosen by them_ ). The well-connected (but also arrogant and obnoxious) boy who her parents had in mind for her (who she wouldn’t have even considered if she _were_ straight), was now not an option. 

Seulgi’s parents, wanting to find her a ‘respectable’ lesbian, utilized their global network of connections to find someone who fit their bill. 

That’s how they found Jung Sena. She was a girl who was two years older than her, born and raised in America to two wealthy Korean-American financiers, and _very_ pretty. 

Seulgi first got to know Sena through emails, FaceTime and texts while the girl finished high school in Los Angeles. At first, Seulgi was charmed—she was _beautiful_ and her slight American accent when she spoke Korean was cute and made her seem worldly. But she couldn’t really get to know her very well in 30-minute phone calls at odd times of the day. 

It wasn’t love at first sight, but Seulgi’s parents _promised_ that she’d eventually love her. While they weren’t ‘official’—that is, Seulgi nor Sena had ever put a label on what they were—in Seulgi’s limited experience with dating, they were as good as girlfriends. Plus, their marriage was essentially set in stone. If Seulgi knew anything for certain, if her parents wanted something to happen, it was going to happen exactly that way. 

While Seulgi definitely liked Sena as a friend, she had to work on developing feelings for her. Sena was going to be in Seulgi’s future for a long time. She was going to _be_ her future. 

Luckily for them both, after graduating from high school, Sena finally moved to Seoul for university. That’s when Sena became more of a fixture in Seulgi’s life and Seulgi got to know her much better. 

In person, everything that Seulgi had known Sena to be was even more intense, and not for the better. The confidence that Seulgi had first observed was also tinged with a bit of rudeness. Her straightforwardness was a little too harsh. Her love for the finer things made her seem a little selfish. 

But Sena was also witty, smart, interesting, ambitious and _so much more_ beautiful in person. And Seulgi was a 16-year-old baby gay. They may not have had much in common, but that didn’t really matter to Seulgi. Incompatibilities meant nothing! Seulgi was just happy to have found a girl who was willing to date her and occasionally make out with her. 

So in that sense, Sena was a dream girl. 

A dream girl who, on the Friday before Seulgi left for Daegu, was _very_ annoyed with her. 

“So you’re really going away all summer?” Sena scoffed, not at all taking the news that their first summer together was now going to be cut extremely short. 

Seulgi had been on the receiving end of that scoff a few times already in their short time of knowing each other. Sena was easy to upset, much like Seulgi’s parents. But unlike her parents, Seulgi had not yet figured out what her triggers were so that she could avoid them. 

“Yes,” Seulgi said, pensively.

“And you’re leaving on Saturday? We don’t even get to spend _any_ time together this summer?”

Seulgi nodded. 

“What’s there to do in _Daegu?_ ” she asked, accusingly, as though Seulgi was lying and going off to some beach to have fun and meet other girls. The thought offended Seulgi. She barely had time for _herself_ , much less time to even think about having _fun_. 

“My grandmother…” she said, hoping that would appease Sena. 

“Your parents are making you spend the summer with some _old lady_ in the most _boring_ city in Korea?” 

In a quiet voice, Seulgi dared to defend both things. “Well, she’s not ‘some old lady’, she’s my grandmother, and I really like spending time with her… and Daegu’s kind of cool… apparently there are lots of good hikes and cool places for photographers…”

“Ugh, you and your camera. You’re so weird,” Sena rolled her eyes. “Fine, have fun in Daegu, take a million pictures of mountains and old people.”

“Hey, don’t be like this…” Seulgi said, cautiously showing her own frustration. The girl could see Sena’s temper rising. “I get to finally see my grandmother…” 

“But you won’t be with me. Won’t you miss me? I’m _much_ more fun than some old lady…” she said, leaning forward to capture Seulgi’s lips in a kiss. Against Seulgi’s better judgement, Seulgi kissed her back.

Kissing was great. If only Seulgi could keep Sena happy and kissing her. Sena was so much nicer when they were kissing. 

“Of course I’ll miss you,” Seulgi breathed out as she pulled away. “Just… this is my _grandmother_ , Sena. I haven’t seen her in ages. I promise I’ll be thinking about you the whole summer.”

“You _better_.”

The girl furrowed her brows, and Seulgi knew she was a second away from Sena’s anger getting the best of her (as it often did). So, to placate the girl, Seulgi tried another tactic. 

“And I’ll send you pretty gifts while I’m gone?” 

_That_ made Sena smile. (Okay. That was good to know. Promise Sena gifts and she won’t yell.)

“Fine. But they better be expensive.” 

Sena leaned forward and captured Seulgi’s lips, thus ending the conversation. 

-

_“You… you make me feel like… I’m worthwhile.” Seulgi said, her words quiet. She moved her hand up, reverently cupping Joohyun’s cheek. “I’ve never known anyone like you.”_

Seulgi wasn’t thinking. She was barely even breathing. 

In the split second before she acted, Seulgi briefly thought about her parents, Sena, life in Seoul. But then those thoughts immediately slipped away. She realized that _Joohyun_ , who had made Seulgi feel more free in just a few weeks than anything else she’d experienced in the past 16 years of her life, was _right there_. 

Joohyun looked like everything she ever wanted. Everything she ever _needed_. 

So she kissed her. 

And it was perfect. 

Kissing Joohyun was everything Seulgi imagined kisses _should_ feel like. It wasn’t awkward. There wasn’t an ulterior motive behind it and it wasn’t just lust. No, this was different. 

Why did it make her feel so… _warm_? 

Seulgi felt so many things she couldn’t explain as she reveled in being so close to Joohyun. She was content with feeling Joohyun’s soft lips against her own and caressing her cheek with her hand. Kissing her felt like… a combination of every good feeling she’d ever felt. Like jumping into a refreshing pool on a hot day. Or reaching the peak of a mountain after a long hike.

She was surprised when Joohyun exploratively opened her mouth and traced her tongue slowly against Seulgi’s bottom lip. The feeling went from simple and pure to something deeper; like she was suddenly breathing fresh air again. Returning the kiss, Joohyun let out a tiny little moan of appreciation. It made the hairs on the back of Seulgi’s neck feel like they were standing on end. 

Seulgi was finally showing Joohyun, the girl who made her feel so worthwhile, how much _she_ meant to _her_. How _good_ she made her feel. 

And she was finally admitting to herself that the feeling of happiness that she felt whenever she was with Joohyun wasn’t just platonic admiration. 

The way she just wanted to be around Joohyun _all the time_? The way she wanted to make her smile and she’d go out of her way to act silly or be goofy just to make see it? It wasn’t just a simple crush. 

No, the way she felt for Joohyun was beyond just that. Seulgi felt electrified from the inside out. 

She’d never felt this with Sena. 

Oh god. 

_Sena_. 

At the thought of her girlfriend, Seulgi pulled away immediately.

Then she was brought back to reality. 

The two of them were at some dark bus stop in the suburbs of Daegu, late at night. They were there because Seulgi ran away. She ran from her grandmother, who had just revealed to her that she was terminally ill. And Seulgi responded by running away and kissing a girl who wasn’t her girlfriend.

What was wrong with her?! 

She pulled her hands away from Joohyun and put a bit of space between them on the bench. Joohyun’s cheeks were flushed. She was panting a bit, just like how Seulgi was. Remnants of how breathless she felt from their kiss. 

“We should… we should go back,” Seulgi said, looking away. She felt the shame of what she did creeping over her, not wanting to meet Joohyun’s eyes.

Joohyun, seemingly in a daze, thankfully didn’t say anything as they walked back home. In Seulgi’s mind, there wasn’t any silence. Instead were the loud, angry voices in her head. 

She thought about her grandmother. How she just left her looking so heartbroken because Seulgi couldn’t deal. She thought about her parents, who would’ve been so disappointed that she let herself lose focus this summer. She thought about Sena, who she just betrayed. 

But she also felt an immense amount of guilt over how she didn’t regret doing it _at all_. Because it was with _Joohyun_ , the best damn distraction in the world. The girl who made her feel like she might’ve deserved… more. 

More than her parents. More than Sena. 

But that wasn’t good either. Her thoughts kept screaming at her, that she’d screwed up, that she was selfish, and that she was lucky she had the life that she did, because she did nothing to deserve it. 

She didn’t deserve someone like Joohyun. 

The short walk back felt like it was hundreds of kilometres long. Every step was heavy and it showed her how selfish she was—how far she ran from her grandmother’s sad eyes. How far Joohyun went to find her, to comfort her, only to have Seulgi take advantage of her kindness. 

To take from Joohyun what was probably her first kiss. 

_God_ , Seulgi fucked up. 

She chewed her lip, licking away the taste of Joohyun’s lip gloss. She twisted her fingers together, riding herself of the memory of Joohyun’s skin under her finger tips. She kept her eyes on the ground; when she snuck a look at Joohyun, the girl looked upset. Embarrassed. 

Seulgi couldn’t imagine how awful she felt right now, to have been kissed and then ignored. 

But Seulgi couldn’t help her, it was better for them both.

Seulgi just needed to get home, she needed to talk to her grandmother, she needed to fix _one thing_ tonight and apologize to her for leaving. She needed to find out what she could do to help her, if there was anything she could do. And then, when her grandma was sleeping, she could focus on homework and on her online classes.

She could focus on everything but the girl who was quietly walking back with her, the girl who deserved _so much_ and Seulgi couldn’t give _anything_ to. 

Finally they reached their houses. The porch lights were now on at Seulgi’s grandmother’s house and she could see that the kitchen light was on; her _halmeoni_ was waiting for her. 

“Will you be okay?” Joohyun asked, breaking the silence. They stopped on the sidewalk between their houses. Seulgi didn’t meet Joohyun’s eyes as she nodded. 

“Yes. I’ll… talk to you later, _unnie_ ,” she said, turning away quickly, but not before catching Joohyun sadly bite her lip. 

She pushed that image from her mind as she pensively walked the rest of the way to her grandmother’s front door. She didn’t know what to expect. Would she be angry at Seulgi’s disrespect, eavesdropping and then leaving, without a word? Would she yell at her, like her parents often did whenever she disappointed them? 

The door was unlocked and she slowly entered. 

Seulgi braced herself but then… nothing. The front room was empty. 

She observed the space. The wheelchair sat next to the door, for easy access. Next to it were the extra oxygen tanks that had just been delivered by the clinic, to help her grandmother breathe when she needed it. On the small table where her grandmother kept her purse and mail, sat a stack of bills from different clinics and hospitals.

Had Seulgi really missed all these signs? Was she just blissfully unaware of what was happening?

Probably. She was, after all, naive to a lot of harsh things until they were explicitly thrown in her face. But instead of cruel words and yelling from her parents, this time the reality of the issue came to her through the sad—yet always kind—sound of her grandmother. 

_“Seulgi-ya? Are you back?”_ her grandmother called out from the other room. 

Once again, Seulgi steeled her nerves and followed her voice. 

There her grandmother sat, alone in the kitchen with her walker next to her. She had a pot of tea in front of her with two small mugs, the scent of jujubes in the air. She gestured at the chair across the table, and Seulgi dutifully took the seat. 

“Hi, _halmeoni_ …” Seulgi said, quietly.

Her halmeoni poured her some of the freshly brewed tea. “Drink.”

Seulgi took a sip of the tea, focusing on the feeling of the hot liquid going down her throat. She felt overwhelmed, like her mind wanted her to do everything at once. Instead of reacting, like she did before, let the tea warm her from the inside out. 

Sitting in silence for a bit, Seulgi cleared her thoughts and did the best thing she _could_ do in this moment. 

She apologized. 

“I’m sorry I left…”

Her grandmother nodded, a little tiredly but still understandingly. 

“I’m just glad you’re back, _gongju_.” She reached forward and placed her hand on Seulgi’s. 

“Can I ask you about it?” Seulgi asked. “If it’s too much, I understand…” 

Her grandmother, unphased, just squeezed her hand. “Of course. You can ask me anything.” 

“How long have you known?” 

“I was diagnosed three years ago…”

“Three years?!” Seulgi asked, her voice cracking as her vision blurred a bit from the tears. “Does dad know?” 

Her grandmother nodded. “Yes. I told him as soon as I found out.”

“But no one told me?”

“He didn’t want to distract you.” There was a sad resignation in her voice. 

“You’re not a distraction though, you’re my _halmeoni!_ ” Seulgi cried out. She knew that arguing against the actions of her father was pointless, but _fuck_ , she didn’t know he could be so… heartless. “I’m sorry I didn’t know sooner. If I did, I would’ve done everything I could, I would’ve made dad pay for you to have the best doctors, best treatment, I mean, maybe it’s not too late, maybe we can still fix this–” 

“Seulgi-ya, no. It’s too late,” her grandmother interrupted. 

“How long do you have then?” Seulgi didn’t want to ask this, but she needed to know. She closed her eyes, bracing herself for the answer. 

When her grandmother didn’t reply, she opened them. Staring back at her was her grandmother; she’d been so composed this whole time, but now her eyes were glistening. Her hand was still on Seulgi’s and she gave it another squeeze, with not nearly as much strength as one should be able to. 

“Not long…” she admitted, the corners of her mouth turned downwards. 

“Is that why I’m here?” Seulgi asked. 

Her _halmeoni_ nodded. 

“Yes.” She breathed out a disappointed sigh, as if thinking back on the last few years. “I wanted to have the chance to get to know you properly, not just a few days every other year. When I told your father of my condition, he agreed to let you come. To let me say goodbye to you, properly.”

“So me being here? Is it your… dying wish?” Seulgi asked, her voice cracking. Once again, her grandmother just nodded. This time, Seulgi broke. 

No longer able to keep them in, silent tears tracked down her cheeks. “I’m sorry. I should’ve pushed harder, I should’ve done more–”

“This is not your fault, Seulgi. This is just how life is,” her grandmother said, with so much conviction, Seulgi admired her strength so much more than ever before. “I’m just glad you’re here.”

“Me too.” 

-

There’d been two times in Seulgi’s life she felt truly happy. 

The first was when both of her parents had shown up—for the first and only time—to one of her piano recitals. She was just 10 years old and while she’d been taking lessons since she was 6, they’d never bothered to come to those events. She played her little heart out that day, her fingers deftly playing _Fur Elise_ and when her parents smiled at her with pride. She wished she could bottle up that feeling and take it with her everywhere. For a brief, _really_ brief, moment, she felt like they loved her. 

The second happened just weeks ago, that summer. 

Seulgi, Joohyun and her grandmother were walking around Duryu Park, Seulgi with her camera strapped around her neck. She took photos of the sights while the other two strolled alongside her. 

Eventually, Joohyun offered to take photos of Seulgi and her grandmother, and Seulgi jumped at the opportunity. It was no surprise when Joohyun proved herself to be a good photographer—she was good at _everything_ —and Seulgi was thankful to have some nice photos of herself and her grandmother, on a beautiful and sunny day at one of the nicest places she’d ever visited. 

Then, her _halmeoni_ said she wanted a picture of her “two favourite girls.” 

After showing her grandmother how to use her camera, Seulgi took a seat next to Joohyun on a bench. The girl next to her stiffened as soon as Seulgi leaned closer to her. 

“ _Aigoo_ , do you two even know each other? Pose like you’re friends, Joohyun-ah, you’re so stiff!”

“Am I that horrible to be seen with?” Seulgi asked with a smirk, teasing Joohyun. The girl rolled her eyes in response. 

“Yes, being seen near you will just ruin my reputation,” Joohyun teased back, nudging Seulgi. 

Seulgi could hear the click of her camera go off a few times; her grandmother was probably still trying to figure out how to use it. 

Knowing Joohyun was uncomfortable, she did her best to make her laugh. She was in the middle of retelling a story of when she’d embarrassed herself in front of her first crush. (She had been trying to show off her expert archery skills. Naturally, she missed and hit their instructor in the ear— _fortunately_ with a harmless training bow & arrow). 

Seulgi beamed with pride when Joohyun burst out laughing. When Joohyun thought something was _really_ funny, the usually reserved girl didn’t hold back. It was like her whole body reacted with joy, laughing exuberantly and freely. She didn’t seem to care that people had turned their heads to look at the girls because of how loud she’d been. 

Seulgi loved it. 

Again, she heard her camera’s telltale click and looked over at her grandmother, who was happily photographing their conversation. 

When Seulgi looked back at Joohyun, this time the girl was looking right back at her. And as soon as their eyes met, Seulgi’s heart began to pound.

Joohyun was… _gorgeous_. She was unpretentious and sweet and kind of dorky and while she found her to be a little bit serious and cold at first, Seulgi had come to realize that she was _so much more_. 

And the fact that Seulgi just made her smile like _that_? Just by being herself? Well, she wanted to be the one who got to do that forever. 

Of course, she tried to shake that thought from her head as soon as it came, remembering Sena and her parents and her obligations. 

Still, when she went home later that day and downloaded the photos on her laptop, she was happy to see that while she and Joohyun laughed together, her grandmother kept taking photos. In the majority of the photos, Seulgi was openingly staring at Joohyun, the admiration obvious in her gaze. And Joohyun’s smile was bright and beautiful as she laughed at Seulgi’s stupid jokes. Even in the shots where Joohyun playfully pushed Seulgi, the two just looked so…in love? 

_No_. It couldn’t be that. But whatever it was, the two looked great together—they just looked like they _fit_. 

She made one of the photos of the two her desktop wallpaper. 

For the days that followed, Seulgi couldn’t help herself. Being around Joohyun had made her more happy than anything else; even if she wanted to stop, she couldn’t. Seulgi loved being around Joohyun, quietly entertaining her crush on the girl, harmlessly flirting and staring until it was too late. 

The quiet feelings Seulgi had for her grew. And that amount to the moment where Seulgi, in a state of profound sadness, just wanted to be in control of _something_. So she acted on her feelings.

But now, she just felt so heavy. The regret she felt was _stifling_. It weighed heavily on her, like a vice on her chest. 

She shouldn’t have done anything. 

Despite behaving carelessly, Seulgi knew she had to take responsibility for her actions. 

She got up the morning after they kissed and made her way next door. She knew that if she got there early enough, she could catch Joohyun before she left for summer school or any of her other obligations. 

Seulgi raised her hand to knock and before she could rapp her knuckles against the door, it swung open. On the other side Joohyun jumped, surprised to see Seulgi there. It looked like she was already leaving. She had her backpack slung on her shoulders, always full of different textbooks and notebooks. 

Seulgi simultaneously cursed and praised her good timing. 

“Seulgi?” Joohyun asked, her eyes wide. She shut the door behind her, stepping onto the front porch to join Seulgi. “What are you doing here?” 

She had a coy smile on her face and Seulgi noticed her eyes flit down to her lips, almost hopefully. It made Seulgi’s heart sink. Taking a deep breath, she tried to be brave but somehow felt like she was being a coward. 

“I came to apologize…” Seulgi said. 

Joohyun’s smile slowly disappeared; her eyebrows furrowed and she nervously bit her lip. 

Seulgi continued. “You were being nice to me and I took advantage of that. I’m sorry.”

“You… regret our kiss?” Despite speaking in a tiny whisper, Joohyun’s words cut into her, making her feel raw. 

At that point, Seulgi couldn’t even meet her eyes; she stared down at the ground at her shoes, at the scuffed up wood of the porch. Instead of answering Joohyun, she deflected. 

“You’re probably not even gay–”

“–I think I am,” Joohyun interrupted. 

“Oh?”

“Yeah. I mean, I’m sure… I am. I’m gay.” 

For a split-second, Seulgi felt some hope. She was quiet, for a beat, but then remembered why she was there and why she needed to _stop this_. 

“Still. That… that doesn’t change the fact that…” Seulgi was failing to find her words, and her stomach was churning but she pushed herself to continue. “...someone is waiting for me in Seoul. I shouldn’t have kissed you.” 

Joohyun almost looked like she wanted to say more and Seulgi wanted her to. She wanted Joohyun to fight her, to angrily call her out, to say something, _anything_ to make Seulgi feel even worse than she did now. Or even better, she wanted Joohyun to fight _for_ her. To insist that Seulgi just _fuck everything_ and just pull her to her, and press their lips together. And help her forget about her parents, Sena and the life waiting for her in Seoul. 

But of course Joohyun didn’t do either of those things. Seulgi thought she looked resigned, like she expected this. Of all the expectations that were placed on Seulgi, she _hated_ that Joohyun had obviously been waiting for Seulgi to run away. 

“Can we just go back to being friends?” Seulgi asked, almost pleadingly. “Just friends?”

Despite Joohyun saying yes, the sad smile that she gave her told Seulgi that they’d never be able to go back to how it was. And that maybe they’d never really been _just_ friends to begin with. 

-

A few days later, Seulgi and her grandmother were at home, her grandmother too tired to go out. Lately it had taken more of her energy to do much of anything, and she often had severe pain when she tried. Even though she was apologetic to Seulgi that they couldn’t go out, Seulgi didn’t mind. She was more than happy to do what was best for her grandmother (and there was the added bonus that she could hide away from reality (Joohyun)). 

They were idly chatting and sharing stories, enjoying the sun setting over the garden in the backyard. Well, Seulgi was mostly bragging about her achievements in school. 

“You are like your father was, when he was young,” she said, a fond smile on her face. 

Seulgi smirked. “Is that a good thing?” 

“I suppose you know how he talks about his upbringing. It’s not quite what I remember from what his childhood was like,” she admitted. “He was kind and generous, and always willing to work hard. So smart, just like you!” 

“I am pretty smart, yeah.” Seulgi beamed, glad to get acknowledgement for her massive intellect. 

“That’s because you both take after me, and I’m brilliant,” her grandmother boasted, and really, Seulgi could accept that. Her _halmeoni_ was pretty brilliant. “Your dad was ambitious too, especially when your _halabeoji_ and I both lost our jobs. He took it upon himself to find work, even though he was barely a teenager. I always admired that about him; he looked after himself when we struggled to...” 

Seulgi had been familiar with her father’s version of his own ‘rags to riches’ story, one where he talked derisively about his childhood and the supposed neglect from his parents. She always suspected that it wasn’t the whole truth, but had never had the courage to ask him. She was glad to hear her grandmother’s perspective of his growing up.

“We didn’t have a lot of money,” she said, almost like she was disappointed in herself, “but we tried to give him _love_. But we knew how much it upset him when we couldn’t afford to give him things or set him up for opportunities. Your _halabeoji_ and I worked so many extra jobs to try to give him what he wanted, but we just couldn’t keep up. Even when things stabilized and I got my booth at the market and your grandfather became a taxi driver, things weren’t enough for your father.” 

She looked sad, recalling those harder memories. Seulgi put a comforting arm through her grandmothers’. 

“I think the breaking point was when your grandfather was accosted by some of his debt collectors. It was scary, but your dad saved us from anything happening. It was embarrassing for us, that our son had to pay for everything… After that, your dad could barely look at us or spend time with us. He and your mother moved to Seoul shortly after.” 

_That_ she had heard. Her dad told this story to her multiple times. He had come home from his job, working with friends at a small software development company that he just started, which would one day be KG Technologies. He saw two large men yelling at his father, both of them pushing him around. It filled him with so much embarrassment. He never wanted to feel that again. And he never wanted his own children to feel it either. 

It always struck Seulgi as weird that her dad’s first thought wasn’t to protect his father, but instead he made it a source of personal shame. 

“This house was the last thing he bought us before moving to Seoul. When your _halabeoji_ died, he showed up for the funeral and then left before even talking to me.” 

“I had no idea.” Seulgi felt a twinge of anger at her parents, especially at her father. Her grandparents had _tried_ and he never once cared or thanked them. He was _so_ selfish.

“I’m not telling you this to change how you feel about your parents,” she said. Seulgi snorted, her grandmother not really knowing the extent that she was starting to resent them already. “But life is more than what other people think of you. You can be in control of your own happiness; don’t let them dictate what that is. And don’t ever take away from others just to build yourself up, like they do.” 

“Okay,” Seulgi said. She mentally filed her grandmother’s words away in her head, knowing that it was important. Moments like these, where the two could talk and get to know each other, were among the most important moments of her life. 

Her grandmother smiled again, this time mischievously. 

“Now let's talk about something more fun.” Her voice was teasing and playful. “She’s a sweet girl, Seulgi… If you choose her, you’ll have made an amazing choice.” 

Seulgi tilted her head in confusion. She never introduced her to Sena… 

“Who is?” she asked.

“Joohyun-ah!” Her grandmother answered, her words coming out like _duh_ , as if it was obvious. 

“Oh.” Seulgi flushed red, embarrassed but not surprised that her perceptive grandmother saw what had been going on. “Well… I’m kind of seeing someone, you know...” 

Her grandmother ignored her denials. 

“Right, your _kind-of girlfriend_ ,” she said, almost rolling her eyes. “You know, I met your grandfather when I was 16 too. And he wasn’t exactly who my parents wanted me to end up with either, but love prevailed.” 

“Sena’s pretty great,” Seulgi said, feebly.

“I’m sure Sena is,” her grandmother allowed. “But don’t lie to your old grandmother like this, I see how you and Joohyun are together. You’re both _so_ cute.” 

Seulgi blushed even further. “We’re _just_ friends, _halmeoni_!” 

Her grandmother just laughed. 

-

Seulgi had been sitting on a bench with her laptop in her grandmother’s backyard, near the vegetables. She was working away at some of the piling up assignments and tasks that she’d let fall by the wayside. Her grandmother had left earlier, to spend time with the other _halmeonis_ in the neighbourhood (she had a couple of bottles of soju with her, so Seulgi assumed she’d be out all night). 

She had planned to go to a movie with Joohyun but that was before… _that night_. Joohyun cancelled on her earlier that day, which Seulgi saw coming. She didn’t even question her; things had been awkward enough lately. 

_“Ya! Seulgi-_ unnie _!”_

The angry, unfamiliar noise startled her. She sat up a little higher around to see who was yelling, when she saw a glaring, _very_ upset looking Sooyoung make her way around the fence into the backyard. 

“You suck!” Sooyoung said, hands on her hips and a mean snarl that honestly terrified Seulgi a little. 

“What? What did I do?!” Seulgi said, closing her laptop and bracing herself for what looked to be a verbal thrashdown in a way that only a 14-year-old girl could give. 

Fiercely and terrifyingly. 

“ _Unnie_ won’t tell me what you did, but I _know_ you did something, because she’s been sad and mopey for _days_. Wendy- _unnie_ had to take her out, to try to get her mind of _whatever_ it is you did to her.” 

Sooyoung flicked Seulgi’s forehead.

“ _Ow!_ ” Seulgi rubbed her stinging forehead, standing up and moving behind the bench, putting space between the two. 

“Did you hurt her?! She’d been happy all summer until the last few days, and I overheard her saying _something_ about you to Wendy- _unnie_. About how you had a girlfriend and how she didn’t know what to do, but then she saw me listening and then slammed her door on my face. If you broke her heart or led her own, I’m going to _kick your ass_! I’m taller and stronger than you!” Sooyoung warned. 

Honestly, Seulgi wasn’t even ashamed to cower a bit. If the force of her flick was any indication, Sooyoung could probably destroy her. 

“I didn’t do anything!” Seulgi said, clearly lying. Sooyoung leveled another laser-beam glare at her, and then Seulgi relented, just a bit. “Okay, _fine_ , but I didn’t mean to do _anything_. I apologized to her!” 

Sooyoung frowned. 

“ _Unnie_ isn’t like you.” 

“What do you mean she isn’t _like me_?” Seulgi asked, afraid she was going to face hurtful and judgemental words.

The taller girl rolled her eyes. “I mean that you’re from Seoul; people are more open there than they are here.” 

She took a seat on the bench Seulgi had previously occupied, looking too weary for a girl who was just fourteen. 

“I don’t even know if _she_ will ever tell me she’s gay, but I’ve known she’d liked girls since I was eight, I’m really perceptive,” Sooyoung said, worry for her sister all over her face. “If people found out that she’s...gay...then they’d be cruel. And she _doesn’t_ deserve that.”

Seulgi understood her concerns completely. 

“It’s good that she has people like you who care about her unconditionally,” she offered.

This, though, made Sooyoung glare at her. “But I don’t care about what other people say. I just want her to be happy. I thought _you_ made her happy, and I totally thought you had a crush on her too. And I _liked_ you for her. But now? Now that I know you did _something_?!”

Scrunching up her face with clear distrust, Sooyoung rushed forward and once again, Seulgi felt the harsh sting of Sooyoung’s finger on her forehead. 

“ _Damn it!_ ” Seulgi cried out again. “It’s like you have needles for fingers!” 

“Did you lead her on?” Sooyoung yelled. “Have you been lying to her? Do you even _care_ about her?!”

“I do care about! I haven’t been lying to her!” Seulgi said, her hands up in surrender. “Look, I didn’t mean to do _anything_. Your sister has been the best all summer _.”_

“Do you even like her?”

“Of course I do.”

“No, _like_ like her.” 

Seulgi sighed. “Joohyun- _unnie_ is… one of the best people I’ve ever met.”

“So I was right? You _do_ like her?” Sooyoung asked. Seulgi nodded. “Then what’s the problem?”

“It’s… complicated.”

“Of course it is, you’re both girls. It’s complicated, but it doesn’t have to be _hard_ ,” Sooyoung said, simply, and wisely. She was technically right—but Seulgi wasn’t in the position where she could do anything about it. 

“I have someone… in Seoul.”

“The girlfriend Joohyun- _unnie_ mentioned?” Sooyoung glared even more. “So you’re a cheater?!” 

“Look, technically she’s not really my girlfriend. We’re just kind of promised to each other. By our parents.”

“ _Seriously?!_ ” Sooyoung threw up her hands. “Promised to each other? That means _nothing_. You’re _people_ , not stuff! I can’t believe that I’m the one who has to say this, but if _you_ like _unnie_ and _unnie_ likes _you_ for some reason, then that should be enough.” 

“I wish it was.” 

“Aren’t you 16? You talk about this like you’re already 100 years old and on your third marriage. Lighten up, Seulgi- _unnie_. And _make things right_ with Joohyun- _unnie_. I don’t know what you can do—talk to her, figure out your crap with your _not_ -girlfriend, but just… fix it. I hate seeing her like this. She’s my favourite sister,” Sooyoung said.

“She’s your only sister,” Seulgi countered. 

“All the more reason to stand up for her.” Sooyoung sighed. “Look, whatever. I said what I had to say. I’m going to go now. But if you hurt her again…” 

Sooyoung made a sinister slicing motion against her neck with her finger and then walked away. 

-

Everything sucked.

It sucked that her grandmother’s health seemed to be rapidly deteriorating. Lately she couldn’t get out of bed in the morning without Seulgi’s help. 

It sucked that she still _tried_ , just for Seulgi’s benefit. That even when she was exhausted or needed Seulgi to do basic things for her that she had been able to do, that she kept a smile on her face. 

It sucked that when the doctor came to visit, he recommended that she consider hospice care, to lessen the burden on herself and Seulgi. 

It sucked that Seulgi’s parents had been basically ignoring her phone calls and emails, when she told them what was going on. It sucked that Sena brushed off Seulgi’s sadness, only wanting to talk about herself and her summer. It sucked that her friends didn’t even bother texting back. 

It sucked that the only person who seemed to care about her grandmother as much as Seulgi did was ignoring her. 

Joohyun wasn’t being mean. She was still patient and generous with her help and time. But she was acting like Seulgi was a stranger, barely an acquaintance. And Seulgi _needed_ her. Everything sucked, and the only good thing in her life was her. 

But Seulgi had enough. If everything sucked, then she had to try to do _one thing_ to reduce her life’s suckage. 

Which meant she needed to get Joohyun to talk to her. And she needed to apologize properly. Joohyun needed to know that she was amazing and deserved the best, and Seulgi couldn’t give her that. 

Also, Sooyoung put the fear of retribution in her, so…

Joohyun was packing up her bag. She and Seulgi had finished vacuuming the house and had even worked together (in a stifling silence) to prepare lunch and dinner for the day. Her grandmother had been too tired to get up from bed; Seulgi and Joohyun both took turns helping her with her oxygen and bringing her snacks and tea. 

It was Friday which meant that Joohyun wouldn’t come by until next week. This was Seulgi’s chance to apologize and hopefully not waste her next few days. Hopefully, if she made things right, Joohyun and her would be… closer to normal. 

Whatever that meant for the two. 

“I’ll see you next Wednesday,” Joohyun said abruptly, not looking back as she walked out the door.

Damn it, this was her chance!

Seulgi rushed out behind her. 

“Unnie, wait!” she said, following her down the walkway to the sidewalk, stopping her with a hand on her wrist. Joohyun pulled away quickly (a bad sign), but stopped (a good sign). “Look, I’m sorry. I’m sorry for… what I did and I’m sorry for how I reacted. I need to explain myself more.”

Joohyun stood up a little straighter, almost defensively, and she looked away. “You don’t need to do this…” 

“I do, though, because I hurt you and you deserve an explanation,” Seulgi insisted. “Please? Just stay for a minute and let me explain why I suck so much.”

Her words made Joohyun laugh a bit begrudgingly, and the girl rolled her eyes but her shoulders visibly relaxed . Seulgi cautiously took Joohyun’s hand again—and the girl didn’t pull away—and led her back to the house’s front steps. As soon as they both sat, Joohyun took her hand back onto her lap. Seulgi ignored the feeling of loss when she couldn’t feel Joohyun’s hand in her own. 

When apologizing to someone, you had to look them in the eyes to show that you were sincere and that you wanted forgiveness. But Seulgi found it nearly impossible.

And apologizing meant that she regretted kissing her. 

How could she truly regret that? 

“You’re really… great,” Seulgi began. “You’re kind of amazing, actually. I think even knowing you for these last couple weeks has made me a better person, just being around you. I think it’s probably through osmosis or something.” 

“...thank you.” Joohyun frowned. “But it sounds like you’re about to break up with me, even though we’re not even together…”

Seulgi smiled sardonically because, yeah, that was kind of what was happening. 

“I’m... just trying to fix things with our friendship. I’m sorry that I acted careless and selfishly. I’m sorry that I kissed you without asking first. I’m sorry that I ignored you after and I’ve been so awkward since then… ” Seulgi let out a humourless laugh. “But I don’t regret actually kissing you and I won’t apologize for that because you’re… _you_. Anyone would be lucky to be able to kiss you. You’re amazing. But still, I shouldn’t have, because I’m _me_.” 

“What does that even mean?” Joohyun took Seulgi’s hand and the touch immediately warmed her. “You’re amazing, Seulgi. Everything I told you that night was true.” 

_–Crash!_

Before Seulgi could answer, both girls heard a loud bang from the kitchen inside, like dishes falling and breaking. 

Seulgi’s eyes widened, dread of what that sound could be filling her. Seulgi got up and ran inside, with Joohyun trailing closely behind. 

As soon as she saw what caused the noise, she fell to her knees, an almost painful sob slipping out of her. 

Her grandmother was on the floor. 

“Call an ambulance!” Seulgi yelled at Joohyun. She cradled her grandmother’s head in her lap. 

Everything was a blur after that. 

-

Seulgi’s grandmother was brought to the hospital by an ambulance. Seulgi and Joohyun followed behind in Joohyun’s parent’s car. Or at least that was what Seulgi thought happened. She wasn’t paying attention to anything except for her grandmother. 

When they found her, her _halmeoni_ was unconscious but— _fuck_ , thank God—she was still breathing. Broken dishes were everywhere, the dishwasher open and the top rack pulled out. She must’ve fainted while trying to empty it, accidentally grabbing the rack and the dishes along as she collapsed. 

The nurses kept taking her from her room to different areas to run different tests, but the initial blood test results were not good. In so many delicate, over-explained words, Seulgi realized they were trying to tell her that this was it. Seulgi’s vibrant, funny, loving grandmother probably wouldn’t be leaving the hospital. 

Seulgi was in a state of shock. 

By her side the whole time sat Joohyun. Her firm, steadying arm around her was the only thing grounding her. 

Her grandmother was sleeping and Seulgi didn’t want to disturb her, so they sat together in the outdoor common area near her grandmother’s ward. They were waiting for Joohyun’s parents to arrive from work and for Seulgi’s parents to pick up their _fucking phones._

Seulgi needed fresh air, the stale hospital air _too much_ for her to deal with, but even outside she could barely breathe.

She regretted not being there when her grandmother fell and hurt herself. She regretted not telling her how much she loved her, even in the short time she got to know her. She regretted not being able to know her until now. 

She looked at the girl next to her, who looked as scared and worried as Seulgi did, and she realized: She didn’t want to have any regrets about _her_ , either. 

Seulgi was usually good at keeping her emotions in check; she was good at pretending and being obedient. But right now? Her grandmother was dying and the girl who was comforting her, who cared for her grandmother, who cared about _her_ was right there beside her.

She never wanted anything. She was told what to do, what to say, and how to feel her entire life. 

But right now, she wanted Joohyun. Seulgi’s heart was breaking—but being around Joohyun felt like she was holding the fragile pieces together and keeping her sane. 

“I’m sorry,” Seulgi said, repeating what she’d been telling Joohyun _too much_ lately but this time it felt more sober and real. 

Joohyun, almost seeming frustrated that Seulgi had said this again, shook her head, the arm around her squeezing a bit.

“You don’t need to keep apologizing for _anything_ , Seulgi…”

“But I _do_ , Joohyun!” With everything she had left in her, which didn’t feel like a lot, Seulgi spoke. “I’m sorry that I didn’t meet you until now. I’m sorry that I haven’t been able to spend more time with you to learn more about you, because everything I’ve learned about you so far is...” Seulgi trailed off, at a loss for words. Instead, she turned to return Joohyun’s embrace, both of her hands linking on the nape of the girl’s neck. “Everything is falling apart but I’m okay right now because you’re here with me.” 

Seulgi looked at her, deep into Joohyun’s eyes, a clarity suddenly breaking through the fog in her head. She traced her fingers up to Joohyun’s temple then slowly, wanting to commit how she felt to her memory, she inched them down to cup her cheeks reverentially. 

“Thank you for being there for my grandmother when I couldn’t be. And thank you for being here with me right now,” she whispered, searching Joohyun’s eyes for any sign for her to stop. Seulgi leaned forward and when Joohyun didn’t push her away, she captured her lips in a brief, pure kiss, before pulling her into a tight embrace. 

It wasn’t a promise or a commitment; rather, it was two girls who just needed to be comforted, being there for each other the best way they knew how.

-

Night had fallen on Daegu. Seulgi had finally been able to be with her grandmother, who had been in and out of consciousness after all the poking and prodding that she had to endure from the doctors and nurses.

She was weak from the medication that staved off the pain, the pain having caused the initial faint and collapse, yet she had a peaceful air about her. Years of declining health from cancer and the most recent weeks of increased pain and weakness gave her a perspective that Seulgi admired so much. 

Her grandmother, it seemed, had mentally prepared herself for whatever the end meant for herself, her spirit and her family. 

Seulgi had finally been able to get a hold of her parents, and they were (almost begrudgingly) making their way to Daegu. Joohyun’s parents had arrived earlier with food for both girls, then left with Joohyun to pick up Sooyoung and a few close friends of Seulgi’s grandmother. They would be back before visiting hours ended. 

She was loved and deserved to be surrounded by people who loved her.

“Seulgi-ya?” Her grandmother asked, her voice gravelly, like she’d been without water for ages. Seulgi sat up and grabbed the cup of water next to her on the table, bringing the straw to her grandmother’s lips, encouraging her to drink, which she did. 

“Yes, _halmeoni_? Do you need anything? I can get the nurses here,” she asked, as her grandmother turned her head away from the water, indicating she was done. She breathed deeply, as if it was difficult for her to breath on her own, even with oxygen flowing directly to her through the nasal cannula.

“I just want you to listen, _gongju_ ,” her grandmother answered. Her voice was tired. At any moment she was ready to slip into a deep and final sleep. She gave Seulgi a small, tired smile. “I have a lot of wisdom that I haven’t yet been able to impart on you and now I’m afraid I’ve run out of time.” 

“Don’t say that, _halmeoni_.” Seulgi shook her head, eyes watering. She put the cup down and placed both of her hands on her grandmothers’, the smooth skin of her own contrasting the time and experience shown on her grandmothers. 

“I’m just being realistic,” she said. Talking seemed to exhaust her even more, as her breathing took on a deeper, harsher metre, but Seulgi knew not to stop her. Selfishly, Seulgi wanted to hear her grandmother’s voice as much as she could until she couldn’t anymore. As best she could, Seulgi’s grandmother slid over on the bed, her already small and frail body looking overwhelmed by the size of the bed. “Come up here with me.”

Seulgi carefully, making sure she wasn’t getting in the way of any wires or cords, sat next to her. She gently slipped her arm through her grandmother’s, resting her head against her grandmothers. It reminded her of one of the times her grandmother had visited Seoul; she read to Seulgi a story before tucking her into bed for sleep, both sitting side-by-side like this. 

The circumstances were very different, but the warmth and the love was still the same, if not stronger. 

“I’m proud of you, Seulgi-ya,” she said, patting Seulgi’s leg slowly. 

“Thank you.” The girl spoke, quietly, not wanting her voice to give away her sadness. 

“Do you remember what I told you before? About being happy?”

Seulgi nodded.

“I want you to promise me,” Seulgi’s grandmother said, pausing to swallow, her mouth already dry from talking just a bit, “that you will be happy. That you will live a good, happy life, treat people well and don’t worry about what other people want from you. This is all I ever wanted for my son, and my daughter-in-law, and now, most of all, you.”

“I promise,” Seulgi said, reaching up to wipe away the tears that had fallen down her grandmother’s cheeks. “I’ll do my best. For you, I’ll try.”

“No, don’t just do it for me, _gongju_. Do it for yourself. Be happy and take care of yourself and the people you love. Don’t be driven by pride or obligation. And if you can do that, you will be happy. And I will be happy.” 

-

The woman who lived her life with so much joy and happiness died the way she lived: surrounded by love. 

Her hospital room was full. The nurses were kind enough to allow more people than usual in the small space, well past hospital visiting hours. A few of her _halmeoni’s_ friends were there. Joohyun and her family were there. 

And while Seulgi’s parents hadn’t shown up, Seulgi was there, holding her grandmother’s hand until the end. 

-

It happened too fast. 

One moment, Seulgi was surrounded by the warmest, kindest, most loving people she’d ever met. And then suddenly, she was pulled into a private conference room at the hospital, stuck with both of her parents, both of whom were furious at her.

It’s like they waited for her grandmother to die before they showed up and ruined everything. 

They didn’t even give her a chance to grieve. 

Instead they were yelling at her for having ‘strangers’ in the room while she passed, for in their minds, ruining their reputations. 

“You let these _strangers_ into the room with _my mother_? To watch her die?” her father spat out at her, angrily standing over her as she sat in one of the chairs. “We have to make sure they don’t go to the media after and say I wasn’t there! I’ll look like a _monster_ if they do that! Did you do this on purpose?!” 

“But they weren’t strangers, everyone was there for _halmeoni!_ We were all thinking about _her!_ ” Seulgi cried, defending herself and the people she had grown to love. “If you just got to know them, you’d like them, they’re amazing, all of them–”

“Oh, I’ve _heard_ all about them,” her mother said, now taking her turn to reprimand Seulgi. “Your _halmeoni_ called us a few weeks ago, she was _overjoyed_ to share that you were making so many friends there. Like _the Baes_.” 

Seulgi frowned, her tears momentarily ceasing. She didn’t like how her mother said that, and she didn’t like how her father scowled behind her. She didn’t like how it felt to have them here in Daegu, in what became her safe place. With _her_ people.

“What about them?” she asked, cautiously. 

“You and your grandmother, you’re both so similar,” her mother said, shaking her head with condescending disappointment. “I was hoping this wouldn’t be the case, your father and I worked so hard to make sure you wouldn’t be, but you’re both idealistic and naive. And what did that get her? Nothing.” 

“When we decided to have a child, we hoped that they would grow up to not be a complete disappointment. Time and time again, I fear that we made a mistake with you.”

“Dad…”

“We have been too permissive. You spending a summer here was a mistake. You’re distracted.”

“ _Halmeoni_ is _not_ a distraction...”

“We’re talking about _that girl_.” Her mother snarled and Seulgi flinched. “The Bae girl? The one your _halmeoni_ was so happy to have introduced you to?” 

“When we discovered your proclivities, we didn’t shun you, even though it’s unnatural,” her father continued, disgust clear on his face. “We didn’t send you away to be fixed, even though we could have. We found you a beautiful, appropriate partner for your future, so you could focus on our goals for you instead of wasting your time with other mentally ill girls out there. At least Sena comes from a good, respectable family.” 

“But your grandmother _had_ to introduce you to _her_. The Baes—what are they, even?” her mother asked. 

“They’re good people,” Seulgi defended. 

“They’re nothing. And their daughter is nothing too. They’re not like us. They’re not like you, Seulgi.”

“Do you even _care_ about _halmeoni_?” 

Her father, in a rare display of losing control, slammed both of his fists on the table in front of Seulgi. The force of it made her recoil away, fearfully. 

“That is _enough_. You’re not staying here anymore; you’re coming home with us. We’ll pay someone to deal with the rest of your grandmother’s things.” 

-

Seulgi had a brief moment to herself while her parents dealt with her grandmother’s remains.

What a horrible thought. These people, who were so careless and cruel, were in charge of the dignity of this incredible woman. 

She _hated_ them.

“Seulgi?” Joohyun appeared next to her, suddenly. Although, she could’ve been next to Seulgi for longer but Seulgi wouldn’t have known, not with how completely drained and out of it she felt. “Are you alone? I’m about to go home, but I can stay if you need…” 

Seulgi shook her head and instead wrapped her arms around Joohyun. She knew she had to say goodbye but couldn’t find the words. 

“My parents are here,” she said, crying into Joohyun’s shoulder. The older girl hugged her back with equal fervor, as if she wanted to transfer some of her strength to Seulgi.

She appreciated it. God knows she needed it. 

“I have to go,” Seulgi cried. She felt Joohyun nod against her.

“Okay, you can come with me, I still have the car–”

“No, back to Seoul. My parents are taking me there tonight once they figure out what they have to do with… with _halmeoni_.” 

Joohyun pulled away, her hands on Seulgi’s shoulders. 

“Already?” 

“Yeah,” Seulgi said, choking back a sob. “I hate this so much. I wish everything was different, but it’s not. I can’t have my grandmother. I can’t have _you_. I just have to… I have to go home.”

“You can have me, Seul…”

Seulgi shook her head, sadly. “I can’t. My parents… they…”

What could she say? That they won’t let her? That she made a promise to her grandmother that she’s already breaking? That she’s too afraid, now that she’s lost her grandmother, to lose her parents, too? 

“They don’t want this life for you,” Joohyun said, almost expectantly. In a way she looked jaded, an expression that Seulgi had never seen before on Joohyun. Seulgi was surprised that Joohyun caught on so quickly; her parents barely said a word to anyone when they arrived. 

Joohyun must have seen Seulgi’s confusion. 

“Your parents said some… things to mine,” was all that she offered, and frankly, it was all Seulgi could take to hear. 

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, _unnie_.” Seulgi pulled her into a hug once more, knowing that this moment was _it_. “For what it’s worth, this summer was… the best summer of my life. I know I could never have you; I don’t even belong to myself, how can I give myself to anyone else? But… you and my grandmother and your family made me feel… worthwhile. And I hope one day you find someone who makes you feel as good as you made me feel. Because you...deserve the world.”

“Seulgi, I lo–”

“You should go,” Seulgi interrupted, knowing in her bones what Joohyun was going to say—because she felt it to—but also knowing that hearing her say it would’ve crushed her. “Before my parents see you.” 

Joohyun looked crestfallen but nodded, understanding. With one last tight hug, and a brief, almost feather light kiss to Seulgi’s lips, she left.

And that was it.

Seulgi was alone. 

-

The summer ended unlike how it began. Instead of stepping onto a train from Daegu to Seoul, she followed her parents into their large, obnoxiously luxurious SUV. Instead of being nervous and excited for what was to come, she was terrified of her future and never felt more alone.

With a sad look back towards the city where she’d finally felt _loved_ , Seulgi turned her eyes forward. 

Summer was over and she had to move on. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Any questions? [reallyokaygirl.carrd.co](https://reallyokaygirl.carrd.co).


	3. Cardigan

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A cursory read of the Wikipedia entry on the school system in Korea informed their ages here. If there are any mistakes, I’m Canadian, therefore I am always sorry. Also, I’m sorry: This is not beta’d. 
> 
> I left a pretty long note on the [crosspost of the fic on AsianFanfics](https://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/1460212/3/cardigan), regarding plagiarism in the Seulrene fandom. Read it, if you're curious.

_I knew you'd haunt all of my what-ifs._

Inspired by _Cardigan_ by Taylor Swift.

-

They were at _Blink_. 

Or was it _Orbit?_

Whatever, it didn’t matter. They were at one of the lesbian bars that Joohyun frequented, that’s all she needed to know. She was nearing her drink threshold—she could tell, because she was torn between continuing to sing loudly along with her friends or going off to find some hot girl to make out with. 

There _were_ quite a few beautiful women she could talk to here…

... _but_ Wendy and Sunmi _were_ in the middle of singing along to _Nuna Nana_ , and that song was kind of the best… 

Maybe it was time for her to settle the bill. 

It was Friday night. Joohyun was out with her best friend and sometimes wingwoman Wendy, and their friend, Sunmi. Those girls were definitely on the same level as she was, as evidenced by the loud singing they were currently partaking in. Joohyun danced in her seat next to both women, who were currently attempting Jessi’s choreography (and maybe it was her drunk mind, but Wendy and Sunmi looked like professionals, wow).

She _needed_ this. A nice, fun hang out with her besties, before the school year began and university became hectic. 

It was a few weeks before the new semester was beginning, and Joohyun was back early to Seoul after spending her break back home. She came back early because Professor Kim Shinyoung, her absolute favourite teacher, chose her to be the TA for her Intro to Sociology course. While she was really looking forward to starting the school year, which was her first year of graduate school, Joohyun, like all other university students, needed to decompress. 

Friday night meant that Bae Joohyun, the perfect student and teaching assistant extraordinaire disappeared. Appearing in her place was Bae Joohyun, a 24-year-old single woman who just wanted to have fun. Sometimes fun meant she was loud and boisterous with her friends (like right now). And sometimes fun meant she hooked up.

But could you _blame_ her? Women were _women_. And Joohyun was a woman who happened to _really_ enjoy women. Some might even call her greedy, but hell—greed existed so people could be greedy! It wasn’t her fault that women liked her as much as she liked them. 

She’d started to get a bit of a reputation though, hence the rotation of nightclubs that changed whenever she and her roommates went out. 

Since she just spent the last couple months in Daegu (where her sister was decidedly _not_ an appropriate club partner, being under age and all), this was her first night out in what felt like _ages_. 

During the school year, Joohyun would drag Wendy and/or Sunmi to a different club or a bar every few weeks. The three would destress with women (in Joohyun’s case) or men (in Wendy’s case, what a shame) or either (in Sunmi’s case). Wendy or Sunmi weren’t half as shameless or active as Joohyun, so lately, these nights out worked mostly in Joohyun’s favour. 

It was quite the change from when she first moved to Seoul for school. About five years ago she left Daegu for university; she was far more naive back then. 

She’d spent her last high school year dealing with the loss of her grandmother-figure, coming to terms with her own sexuality, her first heartbreak, and the pressure of continuing her education without causing any financial strain on her family. She studied hard and managed to get into her dream school and into her dream program with a pretty generous scholarship. 

She went to Seoul National University, majoring in Social Welfare. She chose Social Welfare in honour of and inspired by her time with her old neighbour, who taught her that taking care of other people was one of the best things someone could do with their lives. 

But it was her first year of university when the then 20-year-old Joohyun decided _no more_. No more regret, no more heartbreak, no more looking back and being consumed by all the ‘what-ifs’. She decided to _live_.

So she did. For the past few years of her life, she had been. With cute girls, whenever possible. 

Her reputation, of course, followed her. She was both an ice queen and a heartbreaker. She was cold and rude to some (men, mostly). But also, to certain women, she was a _revelation_. And frankly, she thought it was ideal. 

Men feared her, women wanted her. 

Not a bad way to be seen. 

Tonight though, she wasn’t necessarily in the mood. She was there to drink, laugh at Wendy’s jokes and listen to Sunmi’s dating escapades, and forget about her life’s (many) responsibilities. And since today was her first Friday back, they were celebrating (and it was Joohyun’s treat). 

That said, she knew she had to stop delaying the end of their evening as soon as Wendy began to oversing along with the new Psy song that was inexplicably playing. 

On surprisingly steady legs (she definitely thought she was drunker than she was, but maybe it was just because she was around both girls), she slid out of the booth. She left for the bar to pay their tab. 

As she walked across the club, she felt multiple eyes on her. Of course there were; she was hot. 

She smirked but paid no attention to any of her admirers. Unlucky for the women here tonight, she wasn’t in the mood. 

She approached the bar and waved at the bartender (and Sunmi’s occasional hook-up buddy), Chungha, for her tab. She’d known her for a while; she had, after all, been filling her drink orders (put on her tab or, more often, purchased by other girls for her). So, in her unofficial role as wingwoman, it wasn’t surprising when after handing her her bill, Chungha winked at Joohyun, then busied herself behind the bar. 

“Can I buy you a drink?” a smooth voice asked from behind. 

Joohyun turned to find an unfamiliar woman. She looked _cool_ , with her shoulder length blonde hair and the slight quirk of her lips made her look sauve. She wore an expensive-looking suit, the sleeves folded up casually to her forearms and her definitely-expensive gold watch. Her leather shoes were still shining, looking brand new.

And despite this, she still had a bit of a nervous energy around her. 

Joohyun laughed to herself; this girl was hot but despite her clear privilege, lacked confidence in talking to her. Which she could understand; Joohyun was hot as hell, she’d be intimidated too. Out of the kindness of her heart, she decided to humour her a bit and then let her down gently. 

“Well, I’m actually settling my bill and moving on to water.” 

“Really?” The hot cute girl asked, a cute pout on her lips. “You’re leaving?” 

“Well, not unless I have a good reason to stay…”

“I’m Moon Byulyi; isn’t that reason enough?” 

Joohyun smirked; she recognized the name, but couldn’t place from where. Probably campus gossip. She could tell she was an heiress-type; Joohyun’s least favourite type of person (sne was rightfully untrusting of the rich.) Still, she remained polite. 

“We’ll see.”

“Are you going to tell me _your_ name?” 

“Probably not, I’m still waiting for a good reason…”

Byulyi laughed. “How about this. I take care of your tab tonight, and you sit and have just _one_ drink with me.” 

“Are you sure? It was my turn to pay for drinks for my friends, and they had a bit of fun tonight-” Joohyun pointed at them—Wendy and Sunmi were both singing loudly to the CL song that had come on the speakers. 

“I’m sure.” And in a show of confidence, Byulyi pulled out her wallet and the black credit card in it. She waved down Chungha. “I’ll be paying her bill tonight. And I’d like a martini and whatever she wants.” 

This action made Joohyun stiffen. She didn’t care for it when people showed off, especially when they showed off their money. Still, she maintained her smile and accepted the drink from Chungha—her usual, which she remembered. (Not that it was a difficult drink to remember—she usually got a glass of white wine. Simple and it usually got her tipsy quickly.)

A free drink was a free drink, after all. 

“Do you do this a lot?” she asked, taking a healthy sip of the wine. 

“What?”

“Flaunt your money to get what you want?”

Instead of being intimidated like she hoped, this made Byulyi laugh. “Sometimes; I have a lot of it, so it doesn’t hurt to show off,” she replied, unashamed. “How about you? Do you do this a lot?”

“What?”

“Flaunt how beautiful you are to get free drinks?” 

“That was gross,” Joohyun said, despite laughing. Girls always tried these kinds of lines with her; sometimes it worked, sometimes it didn’t. With this girl, it _almost_ did. There was something about her; she reminded her of someone… 

“But you’re still smiling, so you didn’t _hate_ it right?” 

Joohyun acquiesced. “I guess if I absolutely did, I would’ve left already.”

“I thought so,” Byulyi said, with a smirk. “So, mysterious girl with no name; tell me about yourself.”

“I go to SNU,” Joohyun said, vaguely. 

“Ah, an enemy. I go to Korea University; I’m in business school. But a few friends of mine go to SNU, so i guess it’s not _that_ bad.”

Joohyun did not really caring about the competitive dynamics between both schools. She took another long sip; she decided to give Byulyi the rest of the drink and then make an excuse to leave. 

“Uh,” Byulyi nervously grimaced, seeing Joohyun’s disinterest. “So uh, what are you taking?”

“I’m finishing up my Social Welfare degree.”

“So you’re a beautiful woman who cares about people, too?”

Joohyun just rolled her eyes playfully, saying nothing in response. She had fun with girls like this, eager ones who tried to impress her. She never went further with them—she always felt bad that they were so awkward—but she always enjoyed giving them some flirting experience here and there. 

Plus the attention was nice. She learned a long time ago that girls should chase after _her_. 

She’d made that mistake before. 

Losing her nerve, but cutely trying to keep Joohyun around, Byulyi continued her unintentional interview. “Are you from around here?”

“No; I’m from Daegu.”

“That explains it.”

“What?”

“The cute accent,” Byulyi said. Joohyun took another sip from her glass. It was more than halfway done. The wine, compounding the other glasses of wine, were hitting her _just_ right, making her impatience manifest itself boldly. She smiled, a fraction away from a cringe, it not quite reaching her eyes. 

Byulyi seemed to notice that, and quickly added, “My best friend’s family is from Daegu; she always talks about how much she wishes she could live there.”

“Why doesn’t she?”

“Because _the world_ is in Seoul. Isn’t that why you’re here?” Byulyi answered cockily. 

“I’m here for school,” Joohyun scoffed. “I plan on moving back once I’m done.”

This time Byulyi, who surely had to know that she offended Joohyun, smirked. 

“Well, I guess now I have two reasons to go to Daegu.”

“What’s the first?” 

“Visiting your parents to ask them for permission to marry their beautiful daughter,” Byulyi said with a coy grin, “Obviously.”

Okay, _that_ was clever, Joohyun had to give her that. Her cheeks flushed a little, not just because of the alcohol, and she jokingly pushed the woman. 

“ _Ya_! You don’t even know my name.”

“Are you willing to tell me yet?”

Before Joohyun could answer, a loud voice called out behind them. 

“Byulyi, are you awkwardly hitting on the nice girls again?” 

“Aww, don’t be mean, Sena, she’s doing her best,” another voice said. 

A totally familiar voice that covered Joohyun’s skin in goosebumps. 

They were in a club; it was loud, the bass was pounding in Joohyun’s ears, the flashing lights were disorienting at the best of times. But even so, that second voice was unmistakable, it brought her back to when she was 19 years old and her heart was on her sleeve and she wanted someone so much more than anything she’d ever wanted in her life. 

She turned around and saw her.

Seulgi.

Joohyun felt like she was seeing a ghost. 

Standing in front of her was Kang Seulgi, a memory from her past, a memory she held sacred to her, tucked away and only pulled out in her saddest of moments, now a few feet away. 

Five years later, but still looking, in many ways, the same. Still making her heartbeat flutter, just as she did before. (Curse her treacherous heart.) 

“Joohyun?” Seulgi said, breathlessly. Joohyun hadn’t realized how viscerally she needed to hear _that_ voice say _her_ name. 

It’d been so long, that she’d almost begun to feel like that summer was a dream. But no, Seulgi was real, she was standing right in front of her. 

Joohyun had to get out of here. 

“Ah, your name is Joohyun?” Byulyi said obliviously, and then suddenly Joohyun was brought back to this club, to this place, not in Daegu when she was a teenager who was in love. 

_That’s_ how she must’ve known who Moon Byulyi was—she probably saw her name with Seulgi’s whenever she hate-Googled the girl.

“Beautiful name,” Byulyi continued, totally not reading Joohyun’s sudden tension _at all_. “You two know each other?” 

“Yes-” 

“-No.” 

Both girls speaking over each other raised both Byulyi and Sena’s eyebrows.

(So Seulgi was still with Sena. Of course she was. Even though she never met her, Joohyun could never forget her name.)

But it was Joohyun’s denial that made Seulgi step forward, dropping Sena’s possessive hand from her own. 

“ _Joohyun-unnie..._ ”

The tired, yet familiar way Seulgi said her name, the close proximity to her and the weight in the air that shifted around her, made Joohyun throw back the rest of her wine. 

What did Seulgi expect her to do? 

“I should go,” she said, turning back to Byulyi, who looked disappointed and then glared at both women. 

“Seriously? Ugh, Seulgi, Sena, go away, you’ve made her uncomfortable.” 

Sena ignored Byulyi’s whine and instead, quickly gave Seulgi a stern look before glaring at Joohyun. 

“How do you and Seulgi know each other?”

This time Joohyun ignored Sena and continued to address Byulyi, and Byulyi alone (if she could ignore Seulgi maybe she wasn’t actually there). 

“No, uh, I should go my friends are waiting,” she said, knowing full well that both girls were happily buzzed in a booth, probably distracted and definitely unaware that Joohyun was nearing panic mode. “Thank you for the drink. And uh, the rest of the drinks.” 

“-Joohyun- _unnie_ ,” Seulgi tried again, sounding more and more surprised by her reaction.

(It’s been _five years,_ like Joohyun hadn’t existed at all.)

“Goodbye. All of you.” 

Without turning back, she walked away; but she could feel all three women’s eyes on her. 

-

When Seulgi left Daegu, it took Joohyun longer than it should have to realize that she didn’t mean as much to Seulgi as the girl meant to her. 

Texts were unanswered. Emails bounced back. Her phone number was disconnected. Most upsetting to her, she had been blocked from her social media. 

Or, most likely, Seulgi had blocked her on everything. 

She wanted to think it was a huge mistake. She believed it, at first, until she Googled Seulgi’s name and saw some gossip website’s article about Seulgi’s blossoming romance with wealthy Korean-American, Jung Sena, and Seulgi’s parents’ heartwarming support of their gay daughter. 

And on top of that, the house next door to hers, which used to be full of life and activity, well maintained and obviously well loved, sat empty and neglected for the following few years. 

It was like Seulgi completely forgot about her grandmother and her. 

At nineteen years old, Joohyun got what she had wished for: a whirlwind romance, young and heart-wrenching love. But she also felt the side effect of such an intense new love—the lowest of lows, through her first heartbreak.

Her _only_ heartbreak.

To feel like she hadn’t mattered at all to someone who had mattered the most to her was devastating. But maybe that was something she needed to learn; that movies and books were just that—make believe, a fairytale. A glimpse into an ideal world. But she lived in reality, where it was harsh and cruel, where the person you loved didn’t love you back. 

So she packed away all of her books and DVDs and moved on.

(She still hadn’t gotten _The Price of Salt_ back from Seulgi. She not only stole her heart but also her book. That asshole.)

When considering her post-high school plans, she had reservations about attending university in Seoul. That was where Seulgi lived; what would she do if she saw her? She spent the first few months looking over her shoulder, part of her terrified to see the girl again, and the other part of her (which she tried to keep quiet) _really_ wanted to see her again. 

But her concerns disappeared the longer she stayed; Seoul was a massive city of 9.8 million people. The chances of her running into her were slim; basically impossible. Joohyun imagined that she and Seulgi didn’t hang out in the same circles, anyway. Joohyun stuck to what she knew—school, her neighbourhood and her friends. She went to the same types of bars and clubs—not the exclusive ones that Seulgi definitely had access too. 

She still, in a way to torture herself, kept tabs on Seulgi. Occasionally she’d look her up. At some point, a year or two ago, she dared check Seulgi’s social media accounts and found she was unblocked from them all. She didn’t bother with interacting with them though; what was the point?

Joohyun lived in relative peace for five years; she didn’t need Seulgi to come and ruin it all, in the special, destructive way that only an ‘almost lover’ could. 

If she was honest with herself—and she often wasn’t when it came to her feelings about Seulgi—her life had been underscored by the impact of Seulgi and that summer on her. Those handful of months—from meeting Seulgi, to losing her _halmeoni_ , to her coming out—shaped who she was, for better (and for worse). 

Did she make the right choice of university? Was her major the right fit for her? Should she have moved to Seoul? Should she _really_ move back home to Daegu? 

Also, why couldn’t she commit to anyone? Why was she unable to have anything deeper meaningless hook-ups? Why couldn’t she shake the undercurrent of heartbreak that almost haunted her still? 

And why did seeing Seulgi shake her to the core? 

She’d gone through her entire time in Seoul without seeing her. This changed in a moment. Barely a handful of minutes, and her spirit felt like it had reverted back to the heartbroken nineteen year old. She could not have left that situation faster; all she needed to say was ‘ _Seulgi’s here_ ’ to get Wendy and Sunmi to leave. 

She hoped that it was just a coincidence, that she’d never have to see her again after that. But of course, none of her hopes ever really came true when it came to Seulgi. 

-

As a first-year student in the Social Welfare graduate degree program, Joohyun was seen as a bit of a unicorn amongst the other TA’s in her faculty, all of whom were second-year graduate students. A sign of her hard work, diligence and commitment to her education, she wasn’t exactly surprised when Profession Kim asked if she would take on this role. Joohyun could probably give some of the older students a run for their money. 

She was supporting Professor Kim in her Intro to Sociology course, offered in two blocks, every year. It had two streams of students. In the first class, full of mostly social welfare students, she found it already engaging. The students were ready to take on the course work. Professor Kim had a great reputation on campus as one of the university’s top instructors. Her humour and unparalleled grasp of the subject matter was well known. 

This is why Joohyun had high hopes for the second class. According to Professor Kim, they were students from various different faculties—a few English majors, a few business majors, the odd kinesiology major too. This diversity in the group would make teaching a little more challenging, but still fun. 

Of course all hopes for a second class being as great as the first were dashed when, as she sat at the front of the lecture hall, preparing Professor Kim’s notes, presentation and handouts, a familiar—and even more devastatingly beautiful than ever before—face entered. 

_Fuck_.

Kang Seulgi was in this class. 

The world stopped.

Time slowed down as Joohyun looked up and her gaze met Seulgi’s, who stopped in her tracks, in the middle of the aisle, almost like she was frozen.

Joohyun didn’t know what to do. 

It probably wouldn’t leave a good impression on Professor Kim if she just ran out. 

So she looked down, back at the stack of paper, anywhere but at Seulgi, and continued her work as the students filed in. When class was finally ready to begin, she took her seat behind her desk as Professor Kim began the lecture.

When she looked up, Seulgi was seated near the back, but her eyes were locked on Joohyun’s. She gave Joohyun a small, almost uncertain smile, which Joohyun didn’t return. 

Fortunately, Seulgi didn’t make any more moves to get her attention.

The class went well—as expected, the students seemed to already love Professor Kim. Soon, all the students were filling out of the classroom. Joohyun stayed rooted at the desk in the front, hoping that Seulgi would leave without acknowledging her at all.

There wasn’t a class in the lecture hall scheduled for another hour, so Joohyun lingered to finish up her class notes for Professor Kim. She was in there alone for just a few moments when a knock on the door came. 

“Joohyun- _unnie_?”

Seulgi. 

Joohyun took a deep breath and then stood up. She started to pack her backpack, closing her laptop and not saving any of the work. Whatever. She could redo the notes if they got lost; she needed to get away from Seulgi.

“It’s good to see you again, Joohyun- _unnie_ ,” Seulgi said, walking into the class when she saw that she was still in there. “I was waiting for you outside but you didn’t leave. Glad I still caught you.” 

Seulgi still had the same, charming eye smile that she had when she was sixteen years old. Damn that smile, Joohyun hated it so much. It made her feel the same way she did before, giving her butterflies and making her feel vulnerable. She needed to leave before she did something stupid, like let her in.

Seulgi didn’t deserve her time.

“Why?” Joohyun asked, glaring. Still, Seulgi seemed unphased by Joohyun’s stare. 

“I wanted to say hello.”

“Okay, you’ve said it. Hello. Goodbye.” Joohyun zipped up her backpack and slung it over her shoulder, _clearly_ indicating that she was ready to leave. She even pulled out the classroom key, ready to lock up. Surely Seulgi would get the hint. 

“What’s with the attitude? I thought we were friends?” Seulgi asked, confused. Instead of moving to leave, she leaned onto Joohyun’s desk instead, settling in place. 

Was this girl _ever_ able to read social cues or was this a new development?!

“Friends?” Joohyun scoffed. “I haven’t heard from you in years.” 

“Yeah, but-”

“But what? Are you going to say that you didn’t _mean_ to ignore my texts? My phone calls? That you didn’t mean to block me on every social media account you had?” Joohyun asked. Even the embarrassed frown that Seulgi had on her face didn’t make her feel any better. “Fuck, I sound pathetic. This is what I hate about you, you make me feel things that are _not like me_. Not any more at least.” 

“Joohyun- _unnie_ , I’m sorry…” 

“Whatever,” Joohyun said. She walked past Seulgi and stopped at the door. “You have to leave, I have to lock up behind you.” 

Seulgi followed, begrudgingly. “Can we talk? Properly?” 

“No,” Joohyun said. Finally Seulgi left the classroom and Joohyun closed the door, locking it behind them both. “I’m your TA. You’re my student. That’s all we need to be to each other.” 

“But-”

“Goodbye, Seulgi.” 

-

A grumpy stormcloud hovered over the rest of Joohyun’s day. Seeing Seulgi seemed to bring out the worst in her—she snapped at a few of the TA’s she shared an office with, almost got into a fight with a poor student who accidentally bumped into her, _and_ she nearly missed her bus home, if she hadn’t desperately run after it (there was nothing more undignified than running after a bus). 

When she finally got to the front door to her apartment, she already had fantasies of how her evening would go—which included a nice mug of hot chocolate and hopefully getting Wendy to make her some food. Of course, peace didn’t come to her immediately. When she stepped into the threshold of the apartment she shared with Wendy, she could hear her loud laugh, along with Sunmi’s and—her sister’s?!

“Why are you FaceTiming with my friends?” Joohyun asked, walking into the living room and seeing Sunmi and Wendy curled up on the couch together, with Sooyoung’s face smiling up at them from Wendy’s MacBook. “ _Ya_ , Sooyoungie! You never answer my texts.”

“Because Wendy- _unnie_ is my favourite _unnie_ and Sunmi- _unnie_ is my other favourite _unnie_.”

“What does that make me?!” 

“You’re somewhere… maybe in the top 10?” Sooyoung teased. “Wendy- _unnie_ and Sunmi- _unnie_ told me you saw Seulgi. Do I need to go up there and punch her?”

“Why did you guys tell her?!”

“What?” Sunmi asked, innocently. “We thought she should know.”

“I was there when it all fell apart,” Sooyoung said. “And the main reason I exercise is so I can get strong enough to beat up all of your enemies, _unnie_.” 

“ _Please,_ you do it for the dates…” Joohyun said, rolling her eyes. 

“The three of us are a team, the Joohyun Cheer Up Squad,” Wendy added. “Sooyoung is the muscle, I’m the brains, and Sunmi is-”

“-the beauty,” Sunmi finished, batting her eyelashes. 

Despite feeling a little grumpy still, Joohyun laughed. Maybe there _was_ something to having the three girls come together for her. “Fine, Cheer Up Squad. I need your help—Seulgi’s in my Intro to Sociology class. I’m her TA.”

Joohyun explained to them what happened earlier, when Seulgi approached her after class. She might’ve peppered in some embellishments (Seulgi didn’t exactly grovel and she didn’t cry) but it made Joohyun feel better to complain. Her girls responded the way that she expected them to—they grumbled, groaned and cursed Seulgi’s name. 

“God, she sucks so much,” Sooyoung said, visibly angry. “Let me fight her. Wendy- _unnie_ , buy me a train ticket to Seoul!” 

Joohyun laughed, despite herself. “Don’t worry about it. I think I scared her off.”

“Ooof, yeah, you’re scary when you’re mad,” Wendy cringed. “I’m surprised she still went up to you, especially since you blew her off at the club.”

“She’s brave but stupid, obviously,” Sunmi said. “She still has a girlfriend, too, right? You saw her then?”

Joohyun nodded. “The very same one, if I’m not mistaken...”

“I wonder if she knows about you two,” Sunmi wondered. 

“What’s there to know, there’s nothing worth sharing.” Joohyun could only assume that Seulgi’s girlfriend didn’t know; if she was ever cheated on, she’d leave that person in a heartbeat. 

“But now she’s your student?” Sooyoung asked from the laptop on the coffee table. “What if she tries to talk to you again?”

“I mean, I’m _thisclose_ to buying Sooyoung a ticket here just so she can scare her again,” Wendy said. 

“And if she can’t make it here, I’ll fight her. No one hurts my Joohyun-ah!” Sunmi wrapped her arm around Joohyun’s shoulder and pulled her into a hug, giving her an annoying amount of affection (which she should’ve been used to by now from her). 

“If she tries to talk to me again, I’ll let you know.”

“Promise?” Sooyoung asked. 

“Because we don’t want you to be a mopey moper again. Or a grumbly grumbler,” Wendy said. Joohyun furrowed her brows at the girl. “What? You were sad and then angry, I can’t think of a better way to describe it.” 

“Wendy, you really do have an amazing way with words,” Sooyoung teased. 

“I know right? Sooyoungie, you’re the only person who gets me.” 

This made the girl on FaceTime blush. Even from 200 kilometres away, Joohyun could see her sister’s unrelenting childhood crush on Wendy clearly on the screen. She and Sunmi gave each other knowing looks, as Wendy proudly sat a little taller in her seat.

After a day full of tension, Joohyun was glad for her friends. They gave her the perspective that she needed and distracted her when everything was too much. 

The four women continued to chat for a bit, moving on from topic to topic (the main topic being Sooyoung’s final year of high school and where she should go to university), until Joohyun’s mom showed up next to Sooyoung on screen, to interrupt them and force the girls to get off the computer. 

_(“Girls! You’ve been talking for too long. Don’t you have homework?”_

_“Yes…”_

_“Hi mom.”_

_“Joohyun! Hi, sweetheart. You look skinny, have you been eating well?”)_

Later, Wendy made dinner for the three of them (Sooyoung was, in fact, forced to get off her computer and do homework). Sunmi left soon after, leaving Wendy and Joohyun to clean up, of course (Sunmi ate their food but never bothered helping tidy!). While washing the dishes, Joohyun felt Wendy’s presence behind her, like she was trying to figure out if she should say something. 

“ _Unnie…_ ”

There it was.

“Yes, Wendy?” 

“Should I be worried?”

“About what?” She finished the last dish and turned around; seeing Wendy’s concern covering her features. 

“Seulgi’s back in your life…” Wendy spoke apprehensively, like she was broaching this subject carefully, not knowing how Joohyun would react.

And fair enough; it was a sensitive subject to her. But she was going to be _fine_. 

“I won’t pretend that I’m not nervous,” Joohyun admitted. “But it’s been _years_. I’m over it.” 

Wendy looked skeptical. “Are you though?”

“Yes,” Joohyun said, firmly. 

“You’re not the same person you were before. You’re tougher and smarter; she has nothing on you now. Just ignore her, okay?” 

“I will; I promise.” Joohyun said it with as much honesty as she could; she hated that Wendy was worried like this, but she understood. She had a front seat to how much it tore her up when Seulgi left. 

So this was a promise Joohyun intended to keep. 

Joohyun was wiser and stronger than she was when she was 19 years old. She wouldn’t let herself be drawn in by Seulgi ever again. 

-

Joohyun continued to ignore Seulgi for the weeks that followed. 

She knew Seulgi wanted to speak to her—the girl always had a look on her face, like she had a million things on the tip of her tongue. But she also looked like she was stopping herself, like she was holding herself back. Like there were invisible ropes, tying her arms behind her back, keeping her from reaching out. Like there was tape over her lips, keeping her from speaking.

At least, that’s what Joohyun hoped.

As much as she acted like she didn’t want Seulgi to speak to her, as much as she told herself it was better this way, she just wished that Seulgi tried harder.

If Seulgi spoke to her, if Seulgi _tried_ , then maybe this resentment that Joohyun had towards Seulgi would’ve been unjustified. Maybe it would mean that Joohyun meant something to her too, as much as Seulgi had once meant to _her_. 

But Joohyun wasn’t going to hold her breath, and wasn’t going to reach out herself. She deserved better than everything that Seulgi put her through. The potential for clearing up any unresolved feelings she had were still overshadowed by the feeling of abandonment that still stung deeply. 

However, she definitely expected to have to deal with Seulgi because of the class.

Joohyun heard from a few other TAs that Seulgi was almost obsessively grades-oriented. Anything below an A, and she was knocking at a professor’s door, asking how she could improve and keep her GPA perfect. She wasn’t a scholarship student, so it wasn’t like she was required to have top grades. But knowing the little bit that she did about Seulgi’s parents, she wouldn’t have been surprised if she found out that pressure from them was what was making her such an intense student. 

In Intro to Sociology, Seulgi’s papers were always researched and written well and her exam marks were solid. She wasn’t at the top of the class, but she was close to it. Most people would’ve been happy with that, but when Seulgi got her last essay back, with a respectable B+ written on the front page, Joohyun knew Seulgi would have some questions. 

So she wasn’t surprised when Seulgi showed up at Professor Kim’s office the next day. 

“What are you doing here?” Of course, knowing to expect her didn’t mean that Joohyun was going to be nice to her.

“I need help.” Seulgi frowned. “I have a few questions about my last paper and Friday’s exam…” 

Joohyun scoffed. “Professor Kim will be back tomorrow if you want to speak to her.”

Seulgi looked tempted to leave, but she stayed rooted in her spot. “But you’re here right now…”

“So?”

“I heard you’re the best tutor in Daegu.” 

Joohyun clenched her jaw. “We’re not in Daegu anymore.” 

To her credit, Seulgi didn’t wither under Joohyun’s glare; instead she stubbornly sat down in the chair in front of the desk and pulled out her notebook. 

“Look, I know things are _tense_ with us right now.” ( _‘Tense’_ was putting it lightly, Joohyun thought.) “But can we push that aside for a minute? Because I _need_ to do well on this exam.”

“You’re doing just fine in this class, Seulgi.”

“That isn’t good enough; I _need_ to be perfect or close to it,” Seulgi said, almost sounding desperate. “Will you help me or not?” 

For a moment Joohyun was tempted to continue to be obstinate but hell, she felt bad for how pathetic Seulgi looked. 

“Fine.” 

(She’d help her _just this once_ and then Seulgi would be gone and she wouldn’t have to deal with her again.) 

Seulgi came prepared; she had a list of questions she needed clarification on. Joohyun was impressed; Seulgi asked really insightful questions that clearly showed a grasp of the material, with just a few areas she needed to work on. Especially compared to the usual students she had to help, working Seulgi through these concepts was… tolerable.

(If it was any other student, she’d even use the word ‘fun’.)

It was a painless half hour and Joohyun considered it a success. That is, until Seulgi got up to leave and ruined the moment. 

“Thank you, _unnie_ …”

That made Joohyun sit up straight. “You should call me Joohyun _-ssi_ , especially here,” she corrected. 

Seulgi frowned. “Aren’t we closer than that?”

Joohyun’s eyebrows shot up. “I barely know you.”

“That’s not true...”

“I thought you were done,” Joohyun said impatiently. “If you don’t have any more questions related to class, you should go.”

“Joohyun- _unnie_. Please. We can talk to each other, can’t we?”

“I don’t know, can we?” Joohyun scoffed. “Are you allowed to? Will your parents let you?”

Seulgi’s eyebrows furrowed; Joohyun could tell that she hit a nerve. 

“Don’t do this.”

“Do what? I’m just trying to do my job and help Professor Kim with her students. If you don’t need anymore help, then you can see yourself out.”

“Seriously, Joohyun?”

“Are you done?” Joohyun asked instead, impatient with Seulgi’s stubbornness. 

Resigned, Seulgi just nodded then left.

-

When Sunmi asked Joohyun to go with her to a party with her, she assumed it would be at some person’s apartment in a nearby neighbourhood, like the small flat she shared with Wendy in Gwanak-gu. She didn’t expect to be taken to one of Seoul’s most exclusive communities, to the nicest building she’d ever been in, much less the nicest apartment. 

After being let in by a very official-looking doorman and verified on an even more official-looking guest list, Joohyun knew she had to brace herself.

Both she and Sunmi gasped when they walked into the apartment.

“How did you say you knew the person throwing the party?” Joohyun asked, wide-eyed. Sunmi didn’t answer right away, as she was also taking in the apartment. 

The high ceilings were impressive, as were the spanning windows that looked out onto the _Hangang_. The interior was also immaculately—and probably professionally—decorated. Minimalist yet clearly expensive, the person who owned this place had to have been wealthy _and_ have excellent taste. 

Joohyun wasn’t surprised to find out who it was.

“Byulyi! Thank you for inviting me,” Sunmi said, which snapped Joohyun out of her daze. She saw Sunmi greet Byulyi with a hug and kiss to both of Byulyi’s cheeks. “This is my friend Joohyun, I hope it’s okay that I brought her.”

Byulyi grinned. “Oh, we’ve met.” 

After being ushered inside—and Sunmi being whisked away by Byulyi’s friend Hani—Joohyun stood awkwardly in Byulyi’s kitchen, surveying the fancy and almost intimidating selection of alcohol. 

“Whatever you pick, it’ll be a good choice.”

Byulyi slid up next to her. 

“I think I remember you liking white wine?” Byulyi poured a glass of pinot gris and handed it to Joohyun, who happily accepted it.

“Good memory; I’m glad I made an impression.” 

“Well, when you ran off as soon as you saw my friends, I became curious.”

Joohyun made a vague noise of acknowledgement and sipped her drink. 

“So you know Seulgi?”

“I _knew_ Seulgi,” Joohyun corrected. “A long time ago. We lost touch.”

“When she was in Daegu, the summer her grandmother died?”

Joohyun nodded. 

“Seulgi’s been my best friend since middle school but I’m still learning new things about her,” Byulyi said, almost to herself. She poured herself a drink—Joohyun admired the fact that she could just drink whiskey straight—and hummed. “She doesn’t have a lot of friends. It’s just me and Sena, and occasionally her cousin Yerim. She spends most of her time alone. So the fact that she seemed to know you but never mentioned you… and the fact that you didn’t want to speak to her...” Byulyi took a long drink from her glass, “...makes you _very_ intriguing to me.” 

Joohyun just mirrored Byulyi and drank, not wanting to offer anything else to Byulyi’s curiosity. Joohyun supposed this was further proof that the summer was really, truly inconsequential to Seulgi, if she hadn’t even bothered mentioning her to her best friend. 

If Seulgi didn’t tell Byulyi anything, she wasn’t going to either. 

“It also makes you intriguing to Sena,” Byulyi continued, giving her an evaluative look. “She’s not really fun to deal with, especially when Seulgi is involved.” 

_That_ made her uncomfortable. 

“There’s…” Joohyun paused, feeling a bit of a waver in her voice, before pulling herself together. “There’s nothing to be intrigued about. I’m just me. Just someone Seulgi knew, a long time ago. I don’t know her anymore; that’s all.”

“Yeah. It’s just… Seulgi always surprises me,” Byulyi said, with a shrug. She smiled, her usual look returning to her face. “And don’t worry about Sena; she’s suspicious of every woman who so much as breathes the same air as Seulgi. She gets jealous of my friendship with her, since I’m single. Could you help me fix that?” Byulyi requested, with a wink. 

“Still flirting with me, even though I rejected you before?” Joohyun asked, relieved that the conversation shifted off the uncomfortable subject of her… ex-friend. (Was there any other way Joohyun could refer to Seulgi?)

Byulyi pouted playfully. 

“You didn’t reject me, you left before you could do that.”

“So would you like a proper rejection? Notarized and formal?” Joohyun teased.

“ _Ouch_ , Joohyun.” Despite pretending to be hurt, Byulyi still had a sly grin that Joohyun had to admit was pretty charming. “I would _prefer_ if you and I shared a few more drinks together. I want to get to know more about you. And maybe find out what it is about you that made Seulgi light up when she saw you.” 

Byulyi’s words gave her a chill but before she could respond, the doorbell rang. 

“I have to get that,” Byulyi said, almost regretfully. “Make yourself at home, go meet my friends. I promise everyone is friendly; plus Sunmi seems to be getting to know Hani really well,” Byulyi said, gesturing at both women, who were standing close and _clearly_ flirting with one another. “Seulgi will be here too.”

“She will?” Joohyun asked, her eyes widening. 

“Yeah, at some point. She always comes late and meanders around whenever I have a party, just to tell her parents she went to one,” Byulyi waved her hand vaguely. The doorbell rang again. “We’ll catch up later!” 

-

Despite wanting to leave as soon as Joohyun found out Seulgi was going to attend, she was quickly pulled into different conversations. If Byulyi described Seulgi as a bit of a loner, Byulyi was the exact opposite. She was always surrounded by people, with everyone’s rapt attention on her. Joohyun understood why; Byulyi was dynamic and charming. It made sense that this huge apartment was full of people. 

There were easily over thirty people here, which made Joohyun laugh to herself. The little apartment she shared with Wendy felt crowded whenever they had more than two guests over.

Byulyi introduced her to a few of her friends—Wheein, Hyejin, and Yongsun—the latter of whom _clearly_ had some unresolved sexual tension with Byulyi. At one point, Sunmi turned her attention away from Hani (for just a moment), to introduce her to Joohyun. 

Right now, Joohyun was standing with a prolific politician’s daughter and a chaebol with a smug and punchable face. Of all the things they could talk about, they were discussing the state of unemployment for young people and, well, Joohyun was passionate about it. She was getting fired up—finishing three glasses of wine did make her a little impassioned—as the douchey chaebol was offering classist opinions that Joohyun was _so_ ready to tear apart.

That was, until a hand placed itself on her shoulder.

She flinched in surprise, never liking it when strangers touched her, and was ready to yell at whoever dared touch her. But she was startled into silence when she saw the owner of the hand.

Fucking Seulgi. Looking _incredible_ in a black, tight turtleneck dress. She looked long, slender and almost _mouthwateringly_ gorgeous. 

How dare she?! 

“Joohyun- _unnie_ ,” Seulgi said. “Byulyi texted and said you were here...”

Joohyun glared and looked back at the two she was talking to. The woman had already been pulled away and was now talking to someone new. The man seemed relieved to have been saved from conversation from her, probably knowing that she was about to destroy him. He scampered off, leaving Joohyun with just Seulgi.

 _Damn it_. 

For a moment there, Joohyun forgot that she was going to be here. She let her guard down for just a second and then _bam_ , Seulgi _had_ to appear. 

Joohyun shrugged Seulgi’s hand off. 

“How are you?” Seulgi asked.

“Fine.” Her words came out with a scoff worthy of Seulgi’s presence.

Seulgi’s eyebrows furrowed. “Isn’t it tiring _always_ being angry at me?” 

“Nope.”

“If you just let me explain-”

“I don’t need to do anything for you, Seulgi.” 

Joohyun walked away, with no place in mind to go; she just wanted Seulgi to leave her alone. Byulyi’s apartment had vast open spaces, with lots of people mingling around. The kitchen was off to one end, looking full of people helping themselves to drinks. It was too cold for her to go outside, the night air too sharp at this hour. So she walked down the hallway, towards what she assumed were bedrooms. 

Before she could open a door, once again, a hand stopped her. 

And of course it was Seulgi, once again not listening to Joohyun’s _clear_ cues that she didn’t want to be near her. Joohyun clenched her jaw, her patience nearly getting away from her. Joohyun was an elegant, respectable woman; she didn’t want to get into a fight in such a fancy apartment. But she would if she had to. 

“You’re wasting your time with Byulyi,” Seulgi said, abruptly.

Joohyun laughed, taking Seulgi’s hand from her shoulder and throwing it off her. “How is this your business?”

Seulgi ignored her. “She’s still hung up on her ex, Yongsun.”

“Sounds like you have experience with that.”

“Excuse me?” Seulgi asked, blushing like she was caught. 

“Why are you here?” Joohyun asked instead. 

“It’s a party, I was invited. I can go wherever I like.” 

“Likewise. Don’t follow me.” Joohyun opened the door to what looked like an office. Of course, Seulgi ignored her request, following her and shutting the door behind them. “You don’t listen, do you?”

“Joohyun- _unnie_ , just _stop_.”

“Stop what?”

“Why are you still so angry at me?” Seulgi asked, almost a whine. 

“Excuse me?”

“It’s been five years. Why are you still mad?!”

“I’m not mad.”

“You’re _lying_. You look at me like you hate me every time I see you and I just don’t understand _why_ , I did _nothing_ wrong-” 

“You _disappeared!_ ” Joohyun yelled, finally losing her composure. “I know you said you were leaving but I thought maybe you wouldn’t completely leave my life! I thought we had… something. You made me feel like I was someone. And then you left like I was _nothing_.” 

“You’re _not_ nothing.”

“Blocked phone numbers and accounts tell me otherwise, Seulgi,” Joohyun said. “I lost two people that day; I lost your grandmother, who was more like family to me than my own biological grandparents, and I lost _you_. And I don’t know what I did to make you hate me, but-”

“I _never_ hated you!” Seulgi said, an anguished urgency in her voice. "I didn’t want to do any of that, you meant so much to me. You have to know that, I thought you would’ve known!” 

“Seulgi, how would I know that? I’m not a mind reader, I just knew how I felt, and I _thought_ I knew how _you_ felt. But I was wrong-”

“I _loved_ you!” Seulgi shouted; Joohyun was taken aback by the desperation in her voice. She took a deep breath, trying to regain her composure, but her words still sounded so… sad. “My parents did what they could to basically erase that summer. When I left Daegu, they took away my phone, they took my computer, they took as much as they could find that had anything to do with you. When I got them back, it was like… nearly every trace of you disappeared.”

Now Seulgi’s eyes were glistening, five years of regret taking over her features. Like she knew too much hopelessness for a person of just 21 years old. Like maybe Seulgi had been spending the last five years going through all the ‘what-ifs’ Joohyun had. 

It was enough to simmer Joohyun’s temper down. 

“Why?” 

“You know why, Joohyun-unnie,” Seulgi said, her voice now more even, but the sadness still cutting through. “You, my grandmother and Daegu were a threat. The way you made me feel like I could be myself. Like my life could be… _my choice?_ That was a threat to their plans for me.” 

“So what did you do? You just let them erase us?”

“ _No_. Joohyun, you have to believe in me. I tried my best. I didn’t want them to do _any_ of that. But I couldn’t stop them. You saw what they were like. I couldn’t… disobey them. Not… not without consequences,” Seulgi said. “And I called you. A couple times. I found your number, I got a friend of a friend of a friend to track it down. I called a few times. You picked up but… I couldn’t speak. So I just… hung up.”

These revelations stunned Joohyun. Suddenly, it was like all of her resentment towards her were being replaced with the same affection—love—that she had before. Or, more likely, the feelings of love that she’d pushed down so deeply were rising back up.

“What?”

“Just to hear your voice was enough.” 

“Seulgi-ya…”

“Do you believe me? You have to believe me. You meant so much to me; you still do. And I’m sorry that you hate me, I’m sorry, but you need to know that you were _something_. You meant _everything_ to me-”

Joohyun couldn’t stop herself. 

She pulled Seulgi to her and pressed their lips together. The release that Joohyun felt was immense. 

Seulgi’s hands clung to Joohyun like she was a lifeline, like she was the oxygen that Seulgi needed to breathe. The intensity made Joohyun’s knees feel weak and when she gasped out, Seulgi licked past her lips, deepening the kiss. 

It was slow, it was savored, and Joohyun wanted more.

She felt herself escalating the moment, encouraging Seulgi’s hands to explore more of her body, placing them on her lower back, above her ass. She felt her hands roam lower when-

A burst of loud laughter erupted outside the (fortunately) still closed door, bringing them back to reality. 

They were at Byulyi’s party, surrounded by people just outside the room. 

They separated, almost reluctantly. Joohyun stared at Seulgi; she was breathless, but Joohyun was too. 

“Come up with me?” Seulgi asked. 

“Up?” Joohyun was confused, but she would’ve followed her anywhere. 

“I live upstairs.” 

“Of course you do.” 

“So will you?”

“I shouldn’t… we shouldn’t...”

“ _She’s_ not here,” Seulgi said, thankfully not saying _her_ name. “She’s in Japan for the week. She won’t find out.” Seulgi cautiously took her hand. “Tell whoever you came with that you’re heading home early. Meet me in the hallway in 10 minutes and I’ll take you up. Okay?”

Against her better judgement, Joohyun nodded. “Ten minutes.” 

-

They were now completely alone.

Going to Seulgi’s meant that she was committed to continuing with _something_ —whatever would happen, for better or worse. She wasn’t stupid. She knew that going to Seulgi’s apartment meant that she and Seulgi might end up doing something that she could very well regret. 

But at the same time? Damn it, Joohyun deserved it.

Five years was long enough. 

“This place is even bigger than Byulyi’s,” Joohyun immediately observed, cautiously following Seulgi into what could arguably be a lion’s den. It had a similar layout to Byulyi’s apartment, but was larger and more lived in.

It was exactly what one would expect if a 21-year-old wealthy woman moved out on her own. Slightly messy and full of glimpses of Seulgi’s personality, framed by an immense amount of wealth. Her laptop haphazardly thrown on her sleek leather couch. A stack of hoodies tossed on what was probably an art piece that also doubled as a chaise lounge. A few video games, collectable toys and DVDs on an ornate shelf. A sink full of dishes that were waiting to be washed—or put into a state-of-the-art dishwasher that was next to it. 

“It should be; I own this building.” Seulgi’s tone was nonchalant, as she led Joohyun into the living room.

Joohyun almost sputtered. “Excuse me?” 

“My parents kind of suck at giving presents… so they give me property instead,” Seulgi explained, almost looking embarrassed. “For my last couple birthdays and for last Christmas… they said it was a good investment... I figured I should move into one of the apartment buildings. It’s near some of the other office buildings I own, so I can keep an eye on everything, and I’m learning a lot from the managers who run my buildings...” 

“Your life is not relatable at all,” Joohyun said, shocked. 

Seulgi was sheepish and clearly didn’t want to discuss _that_ part of her life, so she gestured for Joohyun to go sit on the couch. 

“Anyway, do you want anything?” she asked, lingering near the kitchen, which opened out into the living room. “You don’t like coffee, right? You’re a tea drinker?”

Joohyun smiled. “You remember a preference I had when I was nineteen?”

“You’re memorable to me,” Seulgi replied, like it was obvious. 

Joohyun reached out and shyly took Seulgi’s hand, bringing her to the couch with her. They sat and Joohyun turned to her, still holding her hand. 

“I… didn’t think I was coming up here for coffee,” Joohyun said. 

Seulgi nodded. “No… you’re right. I didn’t ask you here for that.” 

“I don’t know what I’m even doing here,” she said, looking down at their joined hands. 

It just looked right, having her hand held by Seulgi’s. 

“I do.” Seulgi squeezed her hand, making Joohyun look up at her. When she did, she saw so much confidence in Seulgi’s eyes. Nothing like the 16-year-old she knew, or the university student that she’d come to know. 

This was a woman who was looking at Joohyun like she knew exactly what she wanted. 

It took her breath away. 

“What do you mean?”

“You’re here for a reason. You’re… here, real and in front of me.” Seulgi let go, only to trail her hand up Joohyun’s arm slowly, almost like she was committing how her skin felt under her finger tips to her memory. “I almost thought I was imagining things when I saw you at the club. It was like… everything stopped and all I could see was you and all I could feel was how I felt when we were kids and I was in your room in Daegu, or we were in _halmeoni’s_ backyard. And every week, when I see you in class, it’s...torture. I just want to… I want...” Seulgi cupped Joohyun’s cheeks, holding her like she was the most precious thing in the world. “ _You._ You’re in my life again; I just can’t let you go anymore. Not like before.” 

“Seulgi… you have a girlfriend,” Joohyun argued, feeblily, feeling her sense of right and wrong slip away every second Seulgi looked at her. “Does she even know what happened with us?”

“Sena and I are…complicated.”

“That’s what you said before, too.”

“But Joohyun, I don’t even know if she even _likes_ me. We’re a family obligation, but we’re… barely friends. We have nothing in common,” Seulgi said. “And what I feel for her isn’t even a tenth of what I still feel for you. I haven’t stopped thinking about you for the last five years, and that kiss told me that you stopped thinking about me.” 

Joohyun couldn’t deny that. As much as she tried, and _god_ , she tried, she could never forget her feelings for Seulgi. 

“But what can we do? You can’t… you can’t leave her, can you?” 

Seulgi clenched her jaw, the familiar sadness coming over her face. “No. I can’t. But…” 

“What?”

“Can we pretend?” Seulgi asked, hopefully. “Right now I don’t care about anything else, _anyone_ else except for you. When it’s just you and me and no one else, can we pretend?”

“What are you asking?”

Instead of answering, Seulgi once again reclaimed what was hers and kissed Joohyun. 

It was gentler than their previous kiss; Joohyun could feel Seulgi’s restraint. It was like Seulgi wanted to convince Joohyun to stay, but she should’ve known better—Joohyun wasn’t going anywhere. She didn’t want _gentle_. No, if they were going to do this, if the night was going to lead to where Joohyun _desperately_ wanted it to, _gentle_ was not going to suffice. 

Joohyun pulled Seulgi closer to her, circling her arms around her shoulders, coaxing a groan out of Seulgi. Her lips were impossibly soft and warm and inviting and _fuck_ , how did she resist this for as long as she did? 

They were older, more experienced, and both women deserved to appreciate that in one another. 

Her hands seemed to have a mind of their own, as they started inching their way down Seulgi’s frame, almost feeling glee with how Seulgi’s breath hitched when her hands swooped down Seulgi’s back. 

“Bedroom?” Seulgi asked. 

Joohyun had never agreed to something so insistently in her life. 

They stumbled through the apartment, Seulgi doing her best to lead the way, despite Joohyun’s best efforts to distract her. She couldn’t help herself; time had been kind to Seulgi. Her body was lean, tight, and muscled—she couldn’t wait to get this dress off her so she could explore and taste her skin. Joohyun was unabashed with how she grabbed Seulgi’s ass, the woman’s reaction only encouraging her. 

Seulgi was no saint either. When they finally reached the bedroom and its king size bed, the woman wasted no time, pulling her dress off her frame and tossing it aside. She smirked at Joohyun, who couldn’t help but gulp at the sight. 

If Seulgi _felt_ like she was in good shape, seeing her body was a fucking revelation. She was toned, gorgeous tan skin over steel, nothing but a lace bra and panties hiding her from view. Joohyun’s eyes drank her up; her center began to throb more incessantly. 

She was _so_ wet. 

“You look incredible,” Joohyun said, before reaching forward and pulling her down onto her lap.

Seulgi, nearly nude, straddled Joohyun and immediately slipped her tongue between Joohyun’s waiting lips. They kissed, passionately, sloppily, as Seulgi worked on the zipper of Joohyun’s dress. Joohyun would’ve helped her with the process of undressing her, if she hadn’t been distracted by the gentle, quick tugs of Seulgi’s teeth on Joohyun’s lip, or the sounds Seulgi made when Joohyun began to suck, bite and mark her neck. 

Finally, she got impatient—feeling Seulgi’s nearly naked body against her clothed one became too much. She pushed Seulgi down onto the bed and began to discard her clothes, finishing Seulgi’s job. Seulgi just stared up at her, almost with veneration, as she slipped her dress down, off her body and onto the floor. She made quick work of her bra and panties, exposing herself to Seulgi, not at all self-conscious, especially considering the woman’s reaction.

 _“_ I can’t believe you’re here with me,” she said, licking her lips. She reached behind herself to remove her own bra, but stopped when Joohyun spoke up. 

“No,” Joohyun said, crawling back onto the bed, back onto Seulgi, her damp center straddling Seulgi’s waist. “You’re mine tonight. Let me.” 

Joohyun shifted her hips down, to relieve the tension between her legs and tease Seulgi. By doing this, she let her know just how wet she was for her. She felt smug by Seulgi’s reaction, who’s breath shuddered and fingers clenched onto her thighs, leaving crescent nail marks in their wake.

Soon, the older woman’s lips began to roam, from Seulgi’s gorgeously swollen lips down to her long, stunning neck, to her collarbones. Finally she reached Seulgi’s breasts and mouthed her lips and tongue over the black lace of her bra, toying over her dusky nipple through the material. That made Seulgi cry out, her hands flying from Joohyun’s thighs to her head, clutching at her. 

When Joohyun had enough of the contrasting material, her tongue against the fabric, the subtle feeling of Seulgi’s soft skin, she gave in and reached behind to undo Seulgi’s bra.

She had to stop herself from reacting too eagerly to Seulgi’s newly exposed skin, but when she leaned down, pressing lips against lips, breasts against breasts, Joohyun moan’s resonated around the room. It matched Seulgi’s own sweet gasps, the two making a symphony of noises that Joohyun could easily have become addicted to. 

What happened next was not at all what she had planned; in her distracted moment, Seulgi took advantage and turned them over. Now Joohyun was splayed out on the bed, panting and looking up at Seulgi, whose toned arms were holding her up over her.

“You’re going to be the death of me, Joohyun…” Seulgi said, this time wasting no time and taking her nipple into her mouth, sucking and flicking it with her tongue. Joohyun thrashed below her, like every wet stroke sent delicious shocks to her center. She helplessly wrapped both legs around Seulgi’s waist, thrusting up as the woman paid equal, lavish attention to both of her breasts. 

She didn’t know how Seulgi got to be so good, but _fuck_ she was thankful. 

When she thought she was going to nearly explode from the teasing, finally Seulgi kissed her way down, lower and lower, swirling her tongue around Joohyun’s navel, before stopping at her center.

And she did nothing. 

Joohyun’s eyes flew open and looked down, and gasped at the sight. 

Seulgi was in between her legs, looking up at her with an awed smile. Like she couldn’t believe what was happening. And frankly, Joohyun felt the same.

“Baby,” Joohyun said, the nickname just coming out of her. “Are you okay?”

Seulgi nodded. “Yeah. I just wanted to take a moment to commit how I feel right now to my memory.” 

Before she could respond, Seulgi leaned forward and tentatively pressed her lips to Jooyun’s center. Then she dove in. 

_“Fuck…”_

Joohyun’s body arched up like a bow. Seulgi held her hips down as her mouth swirled into her, once, twice, three times, then up to her clit, setting a steady, intense pace with her tongue. Her entire mouth was at play, with her tongue tracing delicious lines on and around her bundle of nerves and her lips, sucking as she worked. Then suddenly, two fingers slid into her, _God,_ she was so wet, they slipped in so easily. 

The stroke of her fingers inside her, curling and pushing, made her scream out. She was in pure ecstasy, unable to think about anything other than the woman of her dreams who was exceeding any fantasy her imagination could think of.

Then Seulgi’s fingers went faster. Harder. Her tongue, consistent, became bolder with its strokes. Joohyun’s legs had lifted up onto Seulgi’s shoulders, unintentionally squeezing around her as everything felt so intense, like the universe was coming down onto her. 

Joohyun came. Every part of her felt like it was around Seulgi, under Seulgi, and all she could think of was _Seulgi, Seulgi, Seulgi_ , until she realized that she’d been moaning out the woman’s name, like it was a chant or a desperate prayer. 

As she came down from her high, Seulgi gently kissed her way back up her body, leaving a trail of desire from her center to her lips. 

“I can’t believe that happened,” Seulgi said, with a quiet laugh to herself. She looked smug and happy, with an adorable, goofy smile on her face.

“Me too,” Joohyun admitted, with a sheepish grin. “You’ve upped your game from awkward kisses at bus stops…” 

“Hey, that was romantic as fuck.”

“You’re right. It was.” 

Joohyun kissed Seulgi, this time with the remembrance of that moment when they were kids. Her first kiss. Her most memorable kiss. 

And now here she was, with the woman who gave her that memory. 

“That was… up until a few minutes ago, the best kiss of my life,” Seulgi admitted, as if reading her thoughts. 

“Hmm, did I somehow improve on it?” Joohyun asked flirtatiously.

“Seriously, Joohyun… you’re even better than any memory or experience I’ve had.” 

She had no other way to respond but to kiss her once again. It escalated quickly; Seulgi was still on edge, having not yet gotten her release. 

Joohyun played it slowly, worshiping every inch of Seulgi’s body with her hands, mouth and tongue. Later, with just moonlight on Seulgi’s skin, the lewd moans and whimpers from her lips, and Joohyun’s own three fingers thrusting in and out of the woman, she thought that _this_ was exactly what she ever wanted. 

Consequences be damned—it was worth it if she got to be with Seulgi this way. 

-

For a moment Joohyun felt true, unabashed bliss. 

As she stirred, she knew that she was curled up against Seulgi’s lithe frame, fitting against her like a puzzle piece that she never knew had been missing. Her head was resting on Seulgi’s chest, her heartbeat slow and steady and mesmerizing to Joohyun. 

Waking up in the arms of the person you felt in your bones could be _the one_ was life affirming in a way. If she could wake up every morning like this, she would consider herself the luckiest woman in the world.

But that couldn’t— _wouldn’t_ —be the case.

In a split second, the reality of what the two of them had done came crashing down on her. 

Seulgi was in a relationship; Joohyun slept with her anyway. 

These were two things that _shouldn’t_ have been in a sentence together, like a forbidden, horrible thought, and yet both things were true.

Joohyun and Seulgi had done something selfish. Impulsive. Deceptive. 

She was a cheater; she took something that wasn’t hers to take. She had to get out of there. 

She untangled herself from Seulgi’s embrace and began the embarrassing task of picking up her discarded clothes from the bedroom floor, not looking back when she heard Seulgi awaken. The woman in the bed stretched and groaned, as if her muscles were sore from the night’s activities—Joohyun could relate—but she did her best to ignore it. She focused on putting each item of clothing back on as quickly as she could. 

The clock on Seulgi’s wall read 7:21 am; hopefully by the time she got home, Wendy would still be asleep and she wouldn’t have to do any explaining for her walk of shame.

“Are you leaving, Joohyun- _ah_?” Seulgi asked, sitting up and wiping the sleep from her eyes. “Let me walk you out, baby…”

“No, don’t call me that. And you don’t need to walk me out…” she said, now dressed.

Still, Seulgi got up and threw on a hoodie and underwear. “Are you okay?” she asked. 

Joohyun shook her head. “No; I have to go…” 

She’d made her way back into Seulgi’s living room, retrieving her purse from where she left it on the floor next to Seulgi’s coffee table. 

“Joohyun, stop, don’t leave like this…” 

“How are you so calm right now?!” Joohyun said, her voice raising, something she did easily whenever she was around Seulgi. “You have a girlfriend! And your parents went though incredible lengths to make sure I wasn’t in your life!”

“So? Didn’t last night even mean _anything_ to you?” The hurt was obvious in Seulgi’s voice. 

“Of course it did,” Joohyun said, her words softening. “But I don’t think it matters…” 

“It does though, Joohyun-ah…” Seulgi said, reaching for Joohyun and pulling her into a desperate embrace. “Please, don’t leave. I just got you back, I can’t lose you again…”

“You _don’t_ have me though…” Joohyun returned her embrace despite her words. “You have so much, you have all of this, “ Joohyun gestured her hand around at Seulgi’s home. “You have a life, you have a girlfriend, and parents and _so much_ without me.”

“None of it is worth anything compared to you…” Seulgi said, moving away but staying in the embrace just so she could look into Joohyun’s eyes. “I thought we were going to pretend together…” 

“We were… last night…”

“So that’s it?” Seulgi asked. “You’re just going to leave now and act like last night didn’t happen? You want this as much as I want this...”

“It doesn’t matter what I want...”

“Yes it does.” As if she was afraid that Joohyun was made of glass, like her words could break her (and they could), Seulgi whispered, “Please don’t push me away...”

Joohyun felt her resolve fall. “What do we do?”

“When… when we can… when it’s just you and me… we pretend. Okay?” Seulgi looked hopeful in her proposition and Joohyun couldn’t dash that. 

“Okay.”

It surprised even her how quickly she agreed. 

“Yeah?” Seulgi smiled.

“Yes. Let’s pretend.” 

-

It became a habit that neither woman could break. 

In public, they acted almost like strangers, barely acquaintances; they only spoke to each other if necessary in their class. If they saw each other out, randomly, they ignored one another or gave each other vague acknowledgements—especially if they were around people who they mutually knew. 

When it came to being together, they had a system. 

Either Joohyun or Seulgi would text; either that they were free or that Sena wasn’t around. If they could meet, Joohyun’s place wasn’t an option; they could easily be caught by Wendy or Sunmi, who had a key and often made herself at home. They always met at Seulgi’s. 

The apartment building’s back entrance was the perfect place for Seulgi to sneak her inside. She would bring her upstairs to her floor through the private service elevator that only she and a few of the maintenance workers and cleaners had access to. This kept Joohyun hidden from the other tenants, but also the door men; Seulgi’s parents occasionally called them to find out what kind of people she was spending time with and how often she went out. 

When they were alone, within the walls of Seulgi’s apartment, they were perfect.

They were two people who were falling in love, learning and relearning everything about each other. Not being able to leave their safe space was easy when they loved being around each other.

Sneaking around was hard. Joohyun hated having to lie to Wendy and Sunmi about where she was and who she was spending time with. But it helped to know that Seulgi was doing the same for her. Sacrifices were being made for them to steal these moments away. 

Stealing. That was what Joohyun knew she was doing. Everything that Seulgi was giving her was not hers to take, but somehow, she couldn’t make herself feel bad about it. 

At this point Joohyun’s body had a Pavlovian response to Seulgi’s texts. If Seulgi texted, that meant that she would see her. It was exciting. Sneaking around and having a ‘forbidden’ relationship was _sexy_ , Joohyun couldn’t deny it. But it also meant that she had become a sad, pathetic girl who would wait around for Seulgi’s word, and cancel plans just in case Seulgi wanted her. 

Joohyun knew it was terrible. This was an open invitation to have her heart ruined by someone she could never have. Despite never talking about it—or doing much talking at all—she knew that Seulgi was still with Sena. 

Was it worth it? Sneaking around, just to have something that could never be permanent? Right now, yes. Joohyun knew it wasn’t a good idea, but if it meant she got to be with Seulgi, even temporarily, then she was going to do it. 

-

A few months went by and Joohyun’s friends were suspicious about Joohyun’s newfound lack of free time—but they didn’t suspect anything with Seulgi. 

Wendy told her that she’d seen Seulgi a few times around campus and had said hello, but in ‘solidarity’ with Joohyun, had not tried to be more friendly than she needed to. _(“I know it was years ago, but the girl broke your heart, so I’m obligated to hate her forever.”)_

Having only heard about Seulgi through Joohyun and Wendy’s stories, Sunmi had no reason to even consider a secret affair between the two. Sunmi had met Seulgi, just once when she joined Hani at a party; Seulgi didn’t make much of an impression, but Sena did. _(“Hani went to say hello and introduce me, and I_ swear _Sena scowled at me, like a Disney villain. I’d feel bad for Seulgi if I didn’t hate her for what she did to you.”)_

Other than a few offhand comments about Joohyun’s “preoccupation with the mysterious” (as Wendy put it), neither girl said anything. Both women had busy lives—Wendy was pre-med and Sunmi was enjoying her new relationship with Hani. But whenever Joohyun would leave their hang-outs abruptly, she did her best to ignore the concerned glances both women would give each other. 

Joohyun had just gotten home after spending the afternoon at Seulgi’s, who had a few free hours before she had to go to a dinner with her parents (and Sena). When she stepped inside, both Sunmi and Wendy were in the kitchen.

“Mmm, that smells good!” Joohyun asked, tossing her keys and her backpack in the living room and heading back to the kitchen.

“Sunmi- _unnie_ wanted me to make her dinner, so here I am, doing her bidding,” Wendy said, standing over the stove and stirring the delicious smelling soup.

“I love you,” Sunmi said, giving Wendy a kiss on the cheek, making the girl flinch. “You’re the ideal woman, you know. Just not into girls... “ 

“Don’t let Hani hear you say that,” Joohyun retorted, giggling at Wendy who was shuddering under the affection. 

Sunmi shrugged. “Wendy’s cute, I’m sure Hani could be persuaded.”

“Ugh, you’re so gross sometimes, Sunmi- _unnie_.” 

Sunmi’s attention turned to Joohyun, who felt unsettled under her grin.

“Speaking of _gross_ …” Sunmi gasped, reached over and tugged Joohyun’s t-shirt collar down. “Is that a hickey?!”

Wendy immediately stopped tending to the food. “Oh my god, seriously?!”

“Stop manhandling me!” Joohyun batted away their hands and fixed her shirt, self-conscious from the attention. Sure enough, there was a mouth-sized blooming red bruise just below her collar bone. Short of her faking an injury, it would’ve been impossible for her to deny what it was. 

_Damn it_ , Seulgi. 

Wendy’s eyes got comically wide. “Since when are you coy about a hook-up?”

“I’m not, there’s just nothing to talk about…” She defended. She turned to the stovetop. “Anyway, what are you making?”

“No, don’t deflect, we want answers!” Sunmi said. “Unless… is it serious? And you don’t want to rush things so you’re keeping it a secret?” 

“Gross, _unnie_ , that’s pretty romantic,” Wendy teased, a playful grin. A knock on the door interrupted her from whatever she was going to say next, so she turned to Sunmi. “I’ll go get that, Sunmi- _unnie_ , keep interrogating her.” 

Wendy left, and Sunmi continued teasing Joohyun. 

“Is she hot? How hot is she? Is she hotter than Hani? Impossible. Wait, unless she isn’t hot and _that’s_ why you don’t want us to meet her? That’s fine, Joohyun-ah, personality is always important!”

Before Joohun could answer, she heard Wendy gasp.

_“Seulgi? Kang Seulgi?”_

What the hell?!

Joohyun rushed to the door—feeling Sunmi close on her heels—and there stood Wendy and Seulgi in the foyer, Seulgi with a sheepish, apologetic smile. 

Joohyun couldn’t help but feel her cheek heat up when seeing Seulgi. 

“Hey…”

Seulgi held up her iPhone. “ _Unnie_ … you forgot this in my car…” 

“Why was she in your car?” Sunmi asked, her arms crossed. 

“She was… helping me… study.” 

“Study?” Wendy asked, disbelieving. 

“I’m her TA, remember?” Joohyun muttered, taking the phone from Seulgi. “Thanks for bringing this. I guess I’ll see you in class…”

“Uh. Right. See you in class… Joohyun _-ssi_ …” 

Seulgi left, leaving the three women standing awkwardly in the front of the apartment.

Wendy sighed and began to walk back to the kitchen. Sunmi followed. 

Joohyun couldn’t ignore the disappointment in their eyes. 

“What are you doing with her, Joohyun?” Wendy asked, turning back to the soup and not meeting Joohyun’s eyes. 

“Nothing, I’m tutoring her,” she said, quickly. She’d expected a conversation like this would happen eventually, and she already planned her answers. “Anyway, do you need help with dinner or…”

“Really?”

“I thought she had a girlfriend,” Sunmi said. “Hani’s mean American friend.” 

“She does, which is why there isn’t anything going on with Seulgi and I,” Joohyun lied, through gritted teeth. 

“Joohyun…” 

“Look, if you don’t need help with dinner, I’m just going to go shower and get settled in.”

“She just _looked_ at you a certain way and you two totally gave off a vibe...”

“You’re making a lot of assumptions right now,” Joohyun said, maintaining her lie. “There’s _nothing_ going on with Seulgi and I.” 

“I would hope not,” Wendy said. “I was there when everything fell apart before. I know how much she hurt you.”

Joohyun stiffened. “Right.”

“We just don’t want you to get hurt,” Sunmi added.

“Nothing to worry about; I can’t get hurt over nothing,” Joohyun said, finality in her words. “We’re done talking about this.”

Both women gave each other a concerned look and Joohyun’s damn pride took a hit. She hated that they were pitying her, worried about her. She hated that she was stupid enough to forget her phone. A stupid mistake. 

Without another word, Joohyun left the room. 

-

Joohyun woke up alone and cold. All because of Seulgi, who was currently shirking her job of being Joohyun’s personal furnace. She remembered falling asleep to Seulgi’s arms wrapped protectively around her, but now?

Pfft. What a slacker. 

She held the sheet up to her chest, just in case, and blearily tried to get a sense of her surroundings. It was not quite five in the morning and the sun had yet to rise, but when she reached over, Seulgi’s spot was still warm.

Good; she could probably convince her to come back to bed. 

Ever since her argument with Wendy and Sunmi, she avoided being home for longer than she needed to. When Seulgi invited her to stay over for a few days because Sena would be out of town for a week, this time back to Los Angeles, Joohyun jumped at the chance. 

The bedroom door was open and she could see a light coming from down the hall. She slipped out of bed and took one of Seulgi’s many oversized hoodies off the floor and threw it on. 

When she found Seulgi, she was typing away on her laptop in another room, sleepy-eyed but concentrating. Despite looking busy, she smiled when she saw her. 

“There you are…” Joohyun said, entering the room, which she assumed was Seulgi’s office. She wrapped her arms around her in a back-hug, resting her head on her shoulder. “What are you doing up so early?”

“Just finishing up something for my parents,” she said, “It’s for a partner in the US and they wanted my thoughts on it. I’m sorry if I woke you…”

“You didn’t,” she said. 

She took this opportunity to look around the room, which she had never been in before. The walls were what caught her attention. 

Framed photographs covering the walls. Things that would’ve seemed mundane in Seoul, around markets and parks, that were gorgeously shot, like the photographer had full respect for their subjects. There were pictures taken all around the world—recognizable landmarks around Europe and Asia, but completely unique in its composition and perspective. 

“Did you take these?” Joohyun asked, leaving the embrace to look at the photos more closely.

“Yeah…most of them”

That’s when she spotted a few photographs that she recognized. She gasped, covering her mouth, when she realized what they were of. 

There were photos of Seulgi’s _halmeoni_. One was a beautiful photo of her in her kitchen back in Daegu, laughing at something, her smile bright and almost mischievous. It was so familiar, because Joohyun had lived that moment hundreds of times before in her life. There was another of her grandmother in the park near her house, using her walker and chatting with her friends. And another photo that Joohyun took of Seulgi with her grandmother; this one was prominently featured, both women smiling at the camera, her _halmeoni’s_ arm through Seulgi’s. 

God, she really missed her. 

There was one other photo that caught her attention. If Joohyun had just been glancing at the wall, she would’ve definitely missed it. But up close, she could clearly recognize it. She remembered the day clearly—the first time she and Seulgi spent time together. The photograph was of one of the many murals at Kim Kwang Seok Street. But in the shot, off to the side in the middle ground, she saw herself.

No one would’ve known it was Joohyun unless you knew her. Her back was to the camera, her hair pulled back into a ponytail. Her head was turned, so you could _just_ make out her side profile. But she was clearly here; she even remembered the moment Seulgi took it. 

“You spotted yourself?” Seulgi asked, a bashful grin on her face. She got up from her desk and walked over to Joohyun, this time her turn to give her a back hug. “That’s one of my favourite pictures.” 

“Has this been up long?”

“Well, I moved in here a week after I turned 20… sooooo… since then?” 

“I’m surprised your parents haven’t said anything. Or that they didn’t get rid of it when they took away your computer.”

“Well, they didn’t find these files. And they don’t come into my place if they can help it…” 

“How’d they not find it? I thought they deleted everything off your computer.”

“Not my school files. They didn’t bother looking through any of my English lesson documents, so I hid most of my photography there.” 

“Sneaky.”

For a moment, Joohyun let herself enjoy being by Seulgi. They unconsciously began to sway in spot, like their relationship was creating beautiful melodies that only they could hear.

This feeling was love; it so clearly was. But Joohyun knew she could never tell her that. 

“I’m sorry I have to hide you…” Seulgi said, pressing a kiss to the top of Joohyun’s shoulder. 

“It’s okay…” It wasn’t, but what else could Joohyun say. She understood why. 

“No. It’s not fair to you. I wish… I wish I could tell people about you. I wish I could hold your hand in public. I wish I could take you to meet my parents and they wouldn’t be… monsters.”

“But what we have right now is okay.” And that was the truth. 

“For how long?” 

“As long as we can make it. Okay?” 

“Okay.”

There was so much more that needed to be said. But instead, Seulgi led Joohyun back to bed. Instead of speaking, the two fell into an embrace and showed each other how deeply they felt for one another. 

-

  
  


Every year, the university hosted a special engagement event where prominent leaders in Korean society who were alumni came to be celebrated, brag about their accomplishments and ‘inspire’ the students. In attendance were the top students from all levels and majors; invited were politicians, doctors, business people and activists. 

Naturally, Joohyun was among the invitees, with a small handful of other Social Welfare students. They were all just excited to be included; the university never really paid the group much attention, focusing more on the “impressive” degrees. 

Wendy had been there earlier, but she had to leave early because of her internship at the local hospital. Joohyun also spotted a few other familiar faces she knew from around campus like Seo Joohyun, a mathematics student, and Kim Junmyeon, a Psychology major. 

And she also spotted Seulgi. She knew Seulgi saw her, as she was actively avoiding looking in her direction, but that made perfect sense to her. It was part of their agreement—they weren’t to acknowledge each other in public. Especially in front of Sena. Doubly in front of Seulgi’s parents. 

She was sitting near the front, with her mother, and of course, Sena. Her father, Kang Seungjung, of KG Technologies, was speaking. 

Joohyun had read Kang Seungjung’s story before—about his upbringing, from being born to nothing, to having it all. His speech was no different. His experience seemed unfair to the memory of Seulgi’s _halmeoni_ , and at a few points Joohyun felt like objecting and defending her honour. 

She _knew_ the woman, clearly better than he did, and she loved her like she was her grandmother. She wasn’t the lazy, cold, dispassionate person he was describing just to make himself seem grander.

She was annoyed but knew not to let it affect her too much. This was his _modus operandi_ , from what Seulgi told her. He loved to tear people down just to lift himself (and his business) up. So she let her mind wander as he continued to drone on with self-importance.

She thought about Seulgi and how beautiful she was. How unfair it was that Sena got to sit with her. How strange Seulgi’s parents both seemed, both equally charming and cold all at once. 

After his presentation, Joohyun made her way to the catering tables to grab herself a drink. It’d been a long day already but Kang Seungjung drained her to the point that she needed caffeine and sugar to survive the next few speakers. 

She was pouring herself a decent-sized mug of coffee when she felt a presence next to her. 

Kang Seungjung, the closest she had ever been to him since she first met him at the hospital. Like a politician, he greeted everyone he passed; but like a politician, it lacked sincerity. 

Still, unable to sway from societal politeness, Joohyun bowed in greeting. 

He gave her a small nod of acknowledgement, barely looking her way, as he poured himself a coffee next to her. 

“Did you enjoy my presentation?”

It took her a moment to realize that he was speaking to her, which surprised her. She startled a bit when she met eyes with him. Right now he was smiling unassumingly—he looked _so much_ like Seulgi, it startled her—and expectantly waited for her answer. 

She took a sip of her coffee, just hoping the caffeine would give her an immediate jolt of confidence. 

“Yes, Mr. Kang. Your speech was… illuminating.” 

(It was the best thing she could say without lying.)

“Thank you,” he said; like a preening cat, he stood a little taller, enjoying the compliment, as miniscule as it was. “You must be a student here, then?”

“Yes, I am.”

“Business? STEM? Medicine? You have that kind of look to you.”

“Oh, I’m in Social Welfare…”

He hummed, clearly unimpressed, but stifling his judgement. “So you want to be a social worker, then?”

“Yes, sir. I like helping people.” 

He barely hid his scoff at her answer. She felt his gaze, which was scrutinizing. Did he recognize her? She had no idea, but his eyes narrowed and he tilted his head, a smile on his face that made him look both friendly _and_ unkind. 

“What’s your name?”

“Bae Joohyun…”

He considered that for a moment while sipping from his mug. “Have we met before?”

“No… no, I don’t think we have,” she lied. She wanted to make an excuse to leave but he had a presence that told her that _he_ ended conversations, not the other way around. She could understand why Seulgi was so afraid of him. 

“You look familiar to me,” he said. Joohyun suddenly felt a chill; she hoped he didn’t remember her, oh no, _please_ , don’t remember her... “I don’t usually forget people, it’s one of the reasons why I’m such a successful business man. Bae, you said? Are your parents Bae Jongok and Kim Gilsu from the Bank of Seoul?” 

“No…”

“Hmm… what about the Bae family from Vancouver, in telecoms?” 

“That’s not me, no… I’m actually from-” 

“-Sorry to interrupt, but hello sir, it’s good to see you again.” Byulyi suddenly stepped beside Joohyun and put her hand gently on the small of her back. She jumped, but was relieved by the interruption. “I see you’ve met Joohyun _-ssi_? She’s one of the best at SNU. A shame she doesn’t go to Korea University, with me.”

“Ah, Byulyi- _ssi!_ ” Seulgi’s dad shook her hand with as much affection as it seemed possible for him to show someone. “It’s good to see you. What are you doing at my alma mater?” 

“Well, Seulgi told me you were speaking and I wanted to see what you had to say. Plus, you know something as silly as a guestlist couldn’t stop a Moon,” she said coyly, charming Seulgi’s ice cold father. “And I got to see Joohyun.” 

This seemed to please Seulgi’s father, who nodded his head, suddenly with understanding. 

“You two know each other? Perhaps that’s how I recognize her.” 

“Yes; she’s a friend of mine. She’s joined me at a few parties that my parents have thrown,” Byulyi lied. “But we’re _just_ friends.”

“Well, if she was invited to this event, she must be a smart woman.”

“Thank you, sir,” Joohyun muttered. Her discomfort seemed to have been taken as shyness as Byulyi, who was really impressing Joohyun with her improvisational abilities, looked at her proudly. 

“She _is_ a top student and getting her Masters degree,” Byulyi boasted. “She’s impressive.”

“Well, a Moon being impressed by academics doesn’t necessarily say much now, does it?” he teased, but it wasn’t at all playful. Byulyi’s smile slipped for a moment and Joohyun could understand why; that was a rude jab at Byulyi’s family. 

“Dad?” 

“Seulgi-ya!” 

Seulgi appeared next to Byulyi; Joohyun didn’t even notice her approach. Granted, her eyes were mostly facing down, not wanting to draw any more attention to herself. She just wanted to escape from this awkward conversation, so _naturally_ Seulgi had to show up.

Damn it, Seulgi. 

Seulgi nodded politely, almost formally at both women, then turned to her father. “The assistant of the University’s President asked me to find you; the President wants to speak to you.”

Seulgi’s father seemed delighted that someone so important wanted to speak to him.

“Always nice when people want to speak to me,” he said. “It was nice seeing you again, Byulyi. And it was nice meeting you. Have you met my daughter, Joohyun _-ssi_?”

The two barely looked at each other, before Joohyun nodded. “Yes.” 

“Oh, good.” Looking at Seulgi, his expression lost some of the charm that it previously held. “Seulgi; when I’m speaking to the president, come by after a few minutes. That will be a good connection for you to make.”

He excused himself, leaving the three women awkwardly standing together. 

“What did he say to you?” Seulgi asked Joohyun, who flinched. Seulgi was breaking their rule of speaking to each other in public. 

“Seulgi,” Byulyi interrupted. “Go back to your family. Sena and your mother seem to be waiting for you.”

Joohyun cautioned a look in their direction, and sure enough, both women were watching the three with interest. 

Seulgi stubbornly ignored Byulyi. “Joohyun-”

“ _Seulgi_ ,” Byulyi spoke, more assertively. “Just go.” 

Seulgi hesitated once more but then relented under Byulyi’s gaze. 

“Fine. I’ll talk to you both later.”

Without another word, she left and went back to her family. Joohyun had to look away, as Sena pulled Seulgi into a soft, tender— _loving_ —kiss. Seulgi’s mother looked at the couple fondly; it made Joohyun’s stomach sink. 

She knew the appearances didn’t tell the full story, but it hurt. 

She hated to admit it but they looked beautiful together. Seulgi looked complete standing with her parents and her girlfriend. Joohyun did not fit in Seulgi’s perfect world, at all. 

Without a word to Byulyi, she decided to leave; she didn’t need to stay to see the final speech and if anyone asked, she’d lie that she felt sick. She quietly slipped out of the large auditorium, hoping no one noticed or followed.

But of course, someone did. 

Just not the person she wanted to see.

 _“Joohyun-_ unnie _!”_ Byulyi whispered, stopping her just outside the entrance. Joohyun had never seen Byulyi without a carefree smile on her face, so she let her pull her aside. With a hushed voice, she said, “Be careful.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Whatever is going on with you and Seulgi, I know it’s none of my business,” (Joohyun tried to interrupt her with a muttered _‘You’re right’_ but Byulyi ignored her), “but, whatever it is—if her parents or if Sena found out-”

“-there’s nothing to find out.”

Byulyi raised her eyebrows. “Are you sure about that?”

Joohyun said nothing. 

“Look, I know how Seulgi sees them but they’re not that bad. Seulgi’s parents just want the best for her. And Sena, as terrible as she is to most people, really does love Seulgi. She’d never… what you’re both doing…” The look of disappointment on Byulyi’s face was enough to make Joohyun feel horrible. “She would _never_ do that to her.”

Still, Joohyun denied everything. She had to.

“Byulyi, you’re misinterpreting everything-”

“-I am?” Byulyi kept her stare steady, piercing into Joohyun’s eyes. “I… I don’t think I am. But whatever. Just—watch out. These people are powerful. They own Seulgi’s future. So _be careful_.” 

-

Hundreds of people could fit in that auditorium yet it overwhelmed her with how suffocating it felt. As large as it was, sharing space with Seulgi and her family was enough to make her feel like that. Seeing Seulgi with her parents and Sena and even meeting Seulgi’s father was the most tangible proof that Joohyun had that what was happening between them was _wrong_. 

She needed to be alone. 

Somehow she found her way home. She let out a sigh of relief when she unlocked the door to find the apartment empty. Wendy was still at the hospital and Sunmi hadn’t found her way over either. She wanted to shake everything from her thoughts, but she kept replaying the look of content in Seulgi’s face when Sena pulled her into her arms. Then, speaking to Byulyi after? 

She felt like she was hit with a truck. The truth was right in her face. 

She was being reckless. Their affair was a terrible idea.

She couldn’t talk to Wendy or Sunmi, because she’d _just_ lied to them about it… but she needed to talk to someone.

So she called her sister. 

“ _Unnie_? Hello?” Despite trying to keep her composure, hearing Sooyoung’s voice made her crumple. She felt the tears begin to spill, as Sooyoung spoke up again. “Did you pocket dial me?” Then, a beat, at which point Joohyun audibly choked back her tears. “Oh no, _unnie_ , are you crying?” 

“I’ve done something… unforgivable,” Joohyun said, trying to keep her voice steady but failing. “Remember Seulgi?”

“What about her?” Sooyoung couldn’t even keep the anger out of her voice. “What did she do to you?!” 

“Nothing,” Joohyun said, quickly. “Well, not really _nothing_ … We’ve… been hooking up.”

Sooyoung paused, for a moment. Then, in a quiet voice, she asked, “Doesn’t she have a girlfriend?”

Joohyun never thought hearing the disappointment in her sister’s voice would affect her so much.

“Yes…”

“How did it happen?”

She told Sooyoung everything. She started by admitting that she never truly got over Seulgi leaving; and how the moment she saw Seulgi at the club after years, and all of the emotions resurfaced at full force. Then when she saw her in class; how it felt like the universe had stopped, just for them in that moment. And every time she saw her in class felt like she was being pulled to her. Then finally, she told her about when they kissed again, those months ago at Byulyi’s party. And what it started.

And how every subsequent moment since then had simultaneously felt like a reward and a curse. Being able to love someone and be loved was unlike anything else in the world. But also loving someone who wasn’t hers to love was heart breaking.

The guilt and shame had been outweighed by the sparkle in Seulgi’s eyes in the moments where they were together, until she saw Seulgi with her family at the event.

And now guilt and shame was all she felt.

Then the words just poured out of Joohyun. For the first time ever, despite both her and Seulgi agreeing to secrecy, she spoke of what happened. She hadn’t realized how much she wanted to share with someone what was going on. 

“I hate myself for this.”

“ _Unnie_ , no. Don’t. She’s the one in the relationship. She’s the one who’s risking everything and honestly, putting you in a terrible position. If she cared about you, she wouldn’t do this to you. She wouldn’t be so selfish.” 

“I’ve been selfish too though,” Joohyun meekly said, pathetically still trying to defend Seulgi.

“ _Unnie_ , you _loved_ her,” Sooyoung argued. “You haven’t been selfish; your feelings are being taken advantage of. And maybe that’s what’s gotten you so messed up about this right now but you don’t know if it's love, do you? It can’t possibly be love, if you’re not even a real relationship…” 

“But when I’m with her...I swear… it _feels_ real, Sooyoung...”

“When you’re with her, it’s a lie, _unnie_ ,” Sooyoung said. The words stung, but Joohyun knew she was right. “It can’t be real if she’s lying to everyone around her about you. If by being with you, she’s betraying someone else.” 

“I know…” 

“You deserve someone who is proud to be with you. Someone who’s proud to show you off.”

“But do I?” Joohyun asked, quietly. 

“What? What do you mean?”

“My love life has just been… falling for Seulgi… dating around. Random hook-ups with random girls… and then falling for Seulgi again. What if I’m just not cut out for… romance? And love?”

“That’s bullshit,” Sooyoung said, bluntly. “You _are_. If anyone deserves anything, it’s _you_. You’re the best sister and an amazing friend. You’re smart and beautiful. And you _know_ I’m telling you the truth because I would _never_ tell you this in a normal situation because _gross_. But it’s true, _unnie_. Whatever Seulgi did to make you think you didn’t deserve more… I should’ve punched her when I had the chance!” 

This made Joohyun laugh, albeit quietly. 

Her tears had slowed, not completely stopped, but Sooyoung helped. She always did. 

“Thank you, Sooyoung.”

“You’re welcome. I mean it all.”

She paused, faced with something she knew was inevitable but she dreaded it anyway.

Delaying it would only hurt more. 

“I know I have to end it,” Joohyun admitted. 

“Will you be okay? Do you want me to come up this weekend?”

“No,” Joohyun said. “I’ll be fine. I’ll just go today and do it and then… I’ll stop by 7/11 after and get ice cream or something.” 

“Call me if you need anything after, okay?”

“Okay.”

“Love you, _unnie_.”

“Love you too, Sooyoungie…” 

-

Joohyun left for Seulgi’s as soon as she hung up her phone. 

The entire taxi ride there was nerve wracking. She fidgeted in her seat, twisting her fingers and her knee couldn’t stop bouncing. She tried to prepare for whatever conversation they were going to have, but she couldn’t find the words. 

She just knew she couldn’t do this anymore; seeing Seulgi’s real world today was just too much for her. The fear of all of this was too much for her to deal with, so they needed to end it now, before they got in too deep. It was for the best. Too many people would get hurt if they were caught. 

(And Joohyun’s biggest fear was that _she_ would be the only one who got hurt.) 

She texted Seulgi when she neared the building. She had never done this before—gone to Seulgi’s place without checking if Sena, her parents, or anyone else, really, was there. Fortunately, Seulgi texted back quickly that she had just arrived home and was alone. 

Joohyun went up to the front door. She decided to end this with dignity, out in the open and not hidden away. She deserved as much. 

Seulgi didn’t seem phased when she told her she was at the entrance. She just happily buzzed her up. 

Each of the sixteen steps from the elevator to Seulgi’s apartment door felt heavy. Joohyun felt sick to her stomach; like her body was rejecting this. She didn’t want to end this; she didn’t want to never feel the way she did in Seulgi’s arms again. Every moment that they’d shared together had been perfect. 

Whenever they pretended, the world just disappeared. 

But she had to be the bigger person. It was for the best. For her own protection.

_(You can do this, you can do this, Joohyun.)_

Seulgi’s big smile greeted her as she walked into the now familiar apartment. As she always did when she arrived, she put her shoes at the back of the front closet. She stashed her bag there too, with her shoes. She hid her jacket in between Seulgi’s larger coats. All of this was done to keep her presence hidden, just in case Seulgi had an unexpected visitor. (At which point she would hide away, in one of the many rooms of the house, until Seulgi told her she could come out.)

A reflex, that she happily did, multiple times over the last few months. 

But now it just made her feel even more stupid. 

“I’m so glad you’re here, I was just going to call you! Do you want anything? I stocked up on Coke ‘cause you basically drink it more than water…”

“That’s not true,” Joohyun distractedly retorted. “No, I’m here ‘cause we need to talk…” 

“We do! I finally want to return something to you.” Seulgi took Joohyun’s hand and led her down the ball. Joohyun was surprised when they walked past the bedroom, the guest room and the office to one of the few rooms she hadn’t spent any time in. 

It was Seulgi’s ‘hobby’ work room. When Seulgi first showed it to Joohyun, she explained that it was a bit of her own sacred space. No one was often allowed in the room, where she sometimes painted or drew. It also featured a smaller dark room within it, where she developed film from her old vintage cameras. It was the only place where Seulgi could be creatively free. 

Aside from Seulgi showing it to her once, Joohyun had never been inside. 

“Are you going to draw me or something?” she asked nervously. “Because I _did_ want to talk to you…”

Seulgi reached into a box next to her easel, but whatever she grabbed she quickly hid behind her back.

“Okay, so I was digging around in my storage room and I found something important. I thought I lost it. Like, I _had_ it, but when I moved out of my parents, I put it in a safe place so that when I moved no one would see it, but then I kind of forgot where that ‘safe place’ was until last night.” Seulgi’s eyes turned up into the adorable crescents that Joohyun adored so much as she excitedly brought the item forward. “Ta da!” 

Placed in Joohyun’s hands was a book. _Her_ book.

 _The Price of Salt_.

It was worn, more than Joohyun remembered it being. Obviously well-read. The spine was cracked and some pages were folded over. When she opened it up, her book now had notes in the margins, written in pencil, some poorly erased. Comments, translations and outlines on passages that Seulgi liked, it seemed.

“You kept this?”

“I did.” Seulgi shyly added, “I used to read it whenever I missed you.” 

Joohyun was in shock, never expecting to see it again. She flipped through more pages and found sandwiched randomly inside was a familiar photo, being used as a bookmark.

“What’s this?” Joohyun asked, knowing exactly what it was. 

It was a photo that Seulgi’s _halmeoni_ had taken of the two of them, the summer that they met.

Joohyun and Seulgi, eyes locked and laughing with one another. They looked so young and in love. A glimpse of who they were, now being stared at by who they’d become. 

“The month after I came home from Daegu, I sneakily printed this when my parents weren’t home and like a nerd I took it to school and laminated it. But I made sure no one saw it and… like I said; whenever I missed you, I re-read this book and looked at this picture.”

“Seul…”

“I know you thought that I forgot about you, but I didn’t; you were always on my mind and you were always with me. Even when you didn’t know.” 

Joohyun’s heart started pounding, almost becoming a beacon for her feelings. A beacon that was pointing straight at Seulgi. She didn’t know what to say. 

No, that’s a lie. She knew exactly what she had to say.

The truth.

“I… I think I love you.”

“I know I love you, Joohyun.” Seulgi pulled her into an embrace and tenderly kissed her. “I’m in love with you.” 

Joohyun let herself sink into Seulgi’s arms as she kissed her once again. 

It wasn’t lustful or rushed; there was so much tenderness and sincerity. Unlike their usual kisses, which always led to much more, this was deeper. 

Being able to kiss someone who you loved and who you knew loved you back felt sacred.

“You wanted to talk about something before?” Seulgi reminded her, when they pulled away to catch their breaths. 

“What?” Oh right. She was supposed to end this. But she couldn’t; not when Seulgi was standing there, looking at her with more love than anyone has ever looked at her before. 

So she stayed.

**Author's Note:**

> If you like my work, please consider sending my caffeine-fuelled body some coffee. [My Ko-Fi account is here](https://ko-fi.com/reallyokaygirl).
> 
> **If you see this fic posted anywhere but Archive of Our Own and AsianFanfics, it has been copied without my consent. Please do not repost and do not convert/plagiarize this work.**


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